to not have a group of friends?

[polkadotty2]

Not really an AIBU but just wondering if anyone else (professional) has found themselves without a group of friends? and any advice on what I could do?

I have never had trouble socialising/making friends. My childhood was spent across several countries so don't have friends from nursery/infant school age like DH. DH has a solid group of friends from a young age which I have been absorbed into.

I had plenty of friends in school, one main friendship group that we did a girls holiday with after finishing at 18. Went to uni almost 500 miles away, which caused some friendships to dwindle, only stayed in touch with a few from school. Again had an active social life at uni and now that im in my 30s, only in touch with one or two from uni days. I have moved a lot with work, up until the pandemic never had problems with maintaining a decent social life. Even met DH along the way.

I have only really retained 1-on-1 friendships with people from different walks of life who don't know each other (eg school friend, uni friend, friend from first job, etc) so interact with and meet them separately and quite frankly, rarely.

In my current job, I have noticed colleagues are always going out in the evenings meeting different friends for meals/drinks etc. I usually just go home to DH. This lack of friendship group is only really bothering me now since the pandemic. I think all of my "1-on-1" friends have friends of their own that they see more frequently and perhaps are in as part of a group. In my current city, I don't really have friends outside of colleagues and now no longer a student/new professional when it was easy to socialise/meet with new people, always dating etc.

I realise this all sounds rather depressing, WWYD?

It's hard to make friends as an adult. I also moved around a lot and lost touch with school and uni friends beyond sm. I don't find it difficult to make friends but they are all individuals, neighbours or former colleagues, that I've kept in touch with. I see them all separately and don't have a group of friends. I sometimes feel a bit regretful about it - I would struggle to get a group together for a celebration or a party - but am thankful that I do have friends.

I think the standard advice on here is to join a club or start a hobby.

Most people I know with a strong friendship group made them as a result of having children - their nct or antenatal group, like-minded mums that they met at baby group or nursery or school.

This was me a few years ago! I joined a sports club in my local town (I'm shit at the sport!) and now have an amazing group of close friends who I socialise with regularly. As well as the wider socialisation of team events. It' changed my life, honestly!

I also dont have a group of friends. I did once and there was a load of friendship politics, although that may have been down to the age we all were - early 20's.
Now my 'real' friends are singular people, no groups. I have joined a crossfit gym which has given me a 'group' so to speak but I wouldnt call these people friends really, more people I know casually.

I don't have one, I used to but for various reasons, we are friends no more. I've joined a few local groups and I have acquaintances, we meet up occasionally but I'd not really call them friends.

I’ve also moved around a lot, and my best group of friends are all dotted around - we have a very active WhatsApp group & meet up altogether 1-2 times a year.

I no longer live in my hometown. I’ve ended up making some good friends with our neighbours since moving to a new build estate, but we’ll only be in this town for another 6-7 years, so will end up starting again after that.

If I go out with a “group” of friends it’s usually a single purpose thing - eg my mothers’ group still meet for dinner occasionally even though kids are teens now, my book group sometimes go to the theatre/out to dinner, sometimes a group of old uni friends get together etc. Thinking about it the thing all those groups have in common is there’s a “social organiser” in each of them who keeps things going. If that person didn’t exist the outings wouldn’t happen. Could you try being that person and inviting eg a group from work out for a drink?

Left to me, I tend to socialise with one friend at a time. 2 at the most. But I actually almost prefer that, more opportunity for conversations and catching up.

I feel your pain! I’m sociable but worked abroad on different jobs for 10 years after college and all the friends I made live abroad. I have a few mum friends but not a group and what I classes as my best friend has a crazy busy job and seems to have disappeared on me!! Shame we can’t all get together?

i dont have a group of friends, i have friends who dont know each other or if its a group in the past its been friends of friends

we would all like a sex in the city group of friends in reality dont think it works like that for most

My view is that having a group involves compromise. Often you only click really well with one or two of the group, so you end up hoping you’re sat next to them and not the others who are fine but you’ve never had much to say to. You don’t usually get a group who are all equal best friends with each other, iyswim.

With one to one friendships, you have chosen that person and they have chosen you, because you get on really well.

I agree though that having a group has certain benefits eg bigger nights out, probably more of them, feeling of security. But having one to one friends, plus DH, isn’t a bad place to be.

I'm exactly the same...in my late 50s and I do have 'friends' but not a group of friends, and actually, not a single person who I would ring up and just chat with. I used to when I was younger, and when my children were younger and living at home, but then I was 'a family', with a husband, so 'we' had friends 🤷‍♀️

Now, 20-odd years later, I've lived overseas in several different countries by myself, moved A LOT with work, and just not really made those important, long standing connections I guess.

@minipie

My view is that having a group involves compromise. Often you only click really well with one or two of the group, so you end up hoping you’re sat next to them and not the others who are fine but you’ve never had much to say to. You don’t usually get a group who are all equal best friends with each other, iyswim.

With one to one friendships, you have chosen that person and they have chosen you, because you get on really well.

I agree though that having a group has certain benefits eg bigger nights out, probably more of them, feeling of security. But having one to one friends, plus DH, isn’t a bad place to be.

This is a really good point.

Friendship groups can be a lot of fun and they are a lot easier to manage in some ways, but in any group there are rarely more than one or two people who are deep lasting friends. Most of the other friends are essentially there by expediency. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but its worth keeping in mind.

Also friendship groups can be quite limiting: they take up more time, they are harder to manage and you get more "groupthink" and peer pressure, which can make it harder to be yourself. In some ways I think they can hold you back.

I have old friends who haven't ever left the town I grew up in who are stuck in the same social circles they've been in since primary school and tbh I find it slightly depressing. It's nice to have a bit of continuity with the past but it massively limits your mindset if all the people you know have been in your life since you were seven.

I'm exactly the same OP. I have individual friendships rather than one group of friends.

It was a bloody nightmare on my hen do, mixing them altogether, I was dreading it. Some of them just really seemed to clash (though why on earth you can't just get on with people you don't know for a day I have no idea) I think the problem with me is there's different 'layers' to my personality (best way I can describe it) and I have different friends for different purposes (so some of my friends are my loud 'party' friends, others are from a book group and my hobby who are naturally more quiet etc) some are really generous with their money and some are quite tight with their money so all of these different things meant there were just too many personality clashes.

I'm pregnant and DH asked if I was going to have a babyshower the other day, no I'm bloody not!! Couldn't think of anything worse than getting all my different friends together again.

I do get really sad sometimes tbh as I would love a big group of close knit friends, it would make it easier to socialise as you could get it out of the way in one big hit.

However, I'm inclined to agree with an above poster, I don't think there's that many groups of friends where everyone is friends equally, usually it's that a couple are close and the others are more on the periphery.

I think the only way to make a group of friends once you get into your 30's is either through having children (and that's definitely no guarantee!) or joining a team sport, netball, hockey, ladies football, cricket, riding etc.

Hi op I started walking. Gets me out and mixing. Def not easy as we get older. Have prob 3 good friends thats it. Even through a hobby you meet people. I dont do work cliques they were younger girls anyway.

Same here, Meetup’s been great.
I went to several before I found one group with a lot of the same people, who come to most activities and I’ve seen them around quite a bit. It’s been great.

Another one with individual friends rather than a group. I didn’t have children and didn’t go to university, which seems to be a pace where people make lifelong friends. But I suspect I’m on the ASD spectrum and struggle with group dynamics.

Also I’ve mentally just accepted that it’s a fact of life. Friendships don’t form as naturally as they do in uni and take some time to become really deep. Even these people that I meet.. some might move away, some might marry and stop socialising once they have kids. Who knows.

I try not to worry too much and just go with the flow

@polkadotty2

Not really an AIBU but just wondering if anyone else (professional) has found themselves without a group of friends? and any advice on what I could do?

I have never had trouble socialising/making friends. My childhood was spent across several countries so don't have friends from nursery/infant school age like DH. DH has a solid group of friends from a young age which I have been absorbed into.

I had plenty of friends in school, one main friendship group that we did a girls holiday with after finishing at 18. Went to uni almost 500 miles away, which caused some friendships to dwindle, only stayed in touch with a few from school. Again had an active social life at uni and now that im in my 30s, only in touch with one or two from uni days. I have moved a lot with work, up until the pandemic never had problems with maintaining a decent social life. Even met DH along the way.

I have only really retained 1-on-1 friendships with people from different walks of life who don't know each other (eg school friend, uni friend, friend from first job, etc) so interact with and meet them separately and quite frankly, rarely.

In my current job, I have noticed colleagues are always going out in the evenings meeting different friends for meals/drinks etc. I usually just go home to DH. This lack of friendship group is only really bothering me now since the pandemic. I think all of my "1-on-1" friends have friends of their own that they see more frequently and perhaps are in as part of a group. In my current city, I don't really have friends outside of colleagues and now no longer a student/new professional when it was easy to socialise/meet with new people, always dating etc.

I realise this all sounds rather depressing, WWYD?

I’m similar to you OP, in that I live very far away from my childhood friends, with whom I stay in touch.

Are you actually unhappy with your current situation or is it because others are going out, you feel like you’re missing out.

I ask because I don’t have groups of good friends but have 1:1 friends and I do prefer to socialise that way. Im not a fan of big group outings although I participate in one with a close friend. She’s moving away soon and I suspect the group will cease. I’d be lying if I said I’d miss it.

*Most people I know with a strong friendship group made them as a result of having children - their nct or antenatal group, like-minded mums that they met at baby group or nursery or school. and the reality of those friendship groups is that once the kids grow up, make their own friends and go off to secondary, those groups fall apart because in most instances the friendships are formed based on the fact you have children in common. And that’s how you end up with people in their 40’s who suddenly find that they don’t have a friendship group.

I don’t have a friendship group either. I’ve lived all over and have individual friends in various parts of the world, but since I’ve been older I’ve struggled more to make friends. I think partly it’s because I have a disability and people don’t necessarily look to be friends with people like me, but also because I have a serious illness and was pretty much stuck at home for 3 years until I had some intervention.

I do get on incredibly well with people, can talk to them about all sorts and when I’m with people we click, but for me I would never dream of suggesting going out etc because I always imagine the answer would be no.

TBH though you only have to read some of the posts on here to realise that large friendship groups are fraught with politics and that if we’re honest, friendship groups don’t change much from when we’re in school and kids fall constantly in and out with each other. I just couldn’t be doing with that. The friends I have are meaningful ones.

I was actually in tears over this yesterday.

Like you I've moved around a bit & have a couple of friends that have survived distance friendships - it's so much harder to keep these alive & does require effort on both parts.

Where we live now I've made a huge amount of effort to get to know people. I took on role of social organiser so I had some control over making things happen rather than waiting for things to happen. Despite that one group has just fizzled, I have one friend remaining that I see every 4 weeks or so.

The other group I don't click with all of them but what hurt was I'd arranged a night out last week, only 3 of us ended up making it. When I came back from the loo I caught the tail end of them making other social plans together. It hurt. No-one instigates plans with me. I've even texted the woman I do get on well with since that evening to arrange a 1;1 drink but 4 days later I've heard nothing back.

I don't work as I have a long term chronic illness, I don't raise this very much at all & am a generally happy, chatty person (certainly when I'm with people). I'm beginning to think they're just not that into me

I don't have groups of friends. I have a handful of good single friends I meet up with. I don't enjoy group dynamics so rarely join up friends with friends.

Wow, thanks everyone for replying.

I have hundreds of friends on social media and though I've been into SM, I was far more active in my younger days on it e.g would be tagged in uni social events, graduations, weddings etc and I'd personally post usually when on holiday. I posted recently about how I got no birthday wishes on SM earlier this month, in years gone by I have had 100s (slowly tapering down to maybe 80..50..30..teens.. now 0). The handful of actual friends I have contacted me privately. This still got me down, like a public embarrassment even though it really is silly. It made me realise I have been on the peripheries of many social groups but never in the center.

To all those who said they're in a similar boat, can I ask how old you are? I'm only early 30s and without kids (yet, have set myself professional milestones to achieve prior to TTC) but feel too young to have such a dwindling social life now.

I certainly wouldn't be able to host a party, neither do I have the confidence to organise anything. be it a gathering for my own birthday (as my close friends live far away) or get a group of people together in this city, I wish I had the confidence to put something together to take control of this situation but I don't, I'm sure people would have other better plans. The best I can manage is organising lunch with a colleague at a time that suits them.

What sorts of clubs/groups are people recommending I join and how do I find them? I am a busy (more than) full time working professional so only have a couple spare evenings in the week, I know I am busy/distracted but ultimately work is just a job and on the evenings or weekends that I am not working and would like to do a social activity I find myself with no plans and low in mood.

I am fairly certain anybody that actually knows me would be surprised to hear how lonely I sometimes feel as I come across like a chatty, sociable person. I also find that these friendships cant be forced - on the occasions I have been to social gatherings over the past few years, and stayed in touch/messaged these people since well sometimes even I'd prefer my own company to theirs, I suppose you dont always click with people enough to want to spend time with them over getting out of the house being by myself/DH.

Sorry I didn't mean for this to be so long! I guess I am just trying to say I'm a busy married working professional in my 30s, no DC yet, generally happy with other aspects of my life but would like meaningful friendships locally but I don't have any particular skill/talent/hobby that I can join a group for. Any advice?

I don’t have a big group of ‘girls’ like some women.
I have small groups of around 2-4 friends from various places, and some individual friendships. My longstanding friends are from my mid-teens, but I’ve met some great friends through work recently and the school run days were sociable although they finished a while ago and I’m not in touch with most of those mums now as we don’t all gather at the gate at 3.30!
I did feel like the lockdown really affected certain friendships/groups as momentum was lost (ie book group).

The problem with the oft recommended on MN “join a club” to make friends is that, unless you are very lucky, that alone won’t do it. You still need someone to take the initiative and organise a get together to take your new contacts from acquaintance to friendship.

I really understand your anxiety about organising social events, and I share it, but sometimes if we want life to change we need to do things differently, step outside our comfort zone, and take a risk.

Otherwise you’re waiting and hoping for someone else to be the risk taker. Which may or may not happen.

I don't have a group of friends either just two friends that I've known since High school I'd rather that than a bunch of half friends