AIBU to be livid that vulnerable 9 year old is being left alone in the house on a regular basis....???/

[Flappypants]

Hi MN

You lot have always been brilliant so I have a question for you about how to prove that my nasty narc of an ex is leaving my very vulnerable 9.5 year old DS alone in the house on a regular basis.

I found out quite by chance one day that my ex (very messy divorce - some of you may remember the thread about my ex speeding at 140mph on the German motorway with my DS in the front seat and me and baby DD in the back) leaves my DS on his own in the house.

I have looked at govemernment guidance and whilst there's nothing in statute per se about a specific age that a child can be left alone, it definitely says it's an offence to leave a vulnerable child and certainly under 12 is not appropriate.

My DS has a neurological disorder and doesn't walk well, he''s not dextrous, he has trouble holding things and is a little bit "palsied" in how he moves his arms due to tumours pressing on parts of his spinal cord. Apparently his father has left him on his own (he is 9.5 and DD is 5) on occasions such as when he doesn't want to go out but DD wants to go for a bike ride, so ex takes her and leaves him by himself in a huge three storey four bed house with no landline (and no phone) that I know of. Or when DS is poorly and at home with ex (it's 50/50 - long long battle in court to try and prove that ex isn't appropriate - we ended up in refuge and I still lost) and ex has to collect DD from school, DS is left by himself while ex collects her from school. This happened as recently as this Friday.

I'm beside myself and seething and have no idea how to prove it. Ex is a conniving and gaslighting piece of work, and I know he would twist and belittle the DC....my little boy hasn't got the physical ability to get out of a sticky situation but even if he did I think 9 is too young. What if there's a fire? Or he tries to get something high up and something falls on him? Or a stranger knocks on the door and he lets them in.....

Honestly, it's mind boggling the scenarios that run through my mind....

AIBU?? Honestly?? I don't think I am and I'm seriously worried about my children. Help! He also had the DC from Christmas morning to NYE morning and didn't notice an infected sore on DD leg (nor did he bath them more than once during that period of time).....

I'd phone the NSPCC for advice. This is neglect and your DS is at risk of serious harm.

NSPCC a good idea.

We have already had no success with MASH when I raised concerns that DD knicker area is red and sore probably 8/10 times when the DC come back from their long stints with him....I have such little faith in the system......

report it to the police and the nspcc. Also call childrens services and if they support it, stop contact. He cant take you back to court and you can present all the evidence. Also, take your child to the hospital and get it on record that he is injured - surely you have documents proving your child's disability? This needs to be taken into account next time you go to court. Dont just put up with this shit because youre scared of court. Get as much support by going to the police and other agencies and gather proof.

I mean he CAN take you back to court and you present all the evidence.

He's 9 years old. Nowhere in your post do you mention a learning disability or developmental delay. A neurotypical 9 year old should be capable of being left alone long enough for a parent to do the school run.

If not, you need to be building up to this. All the other stuff about bathing etc is a concern.

Take the child to the GP/nurse/health visitor when sore/injured

If you have a friend at school ask them to contact school if they notice that he has not brought the other child to the school run.

Document everything.

Mine were left in similar situations We're talking about a Y5 child not a kid in reception. Very different if he was leaving the 5 year old alone.YABU

@Bellevu

He's 9 years old. Nowhere in your post do you mention a learning disability or developmental delay. A neurotypical 9 year old should be capable of being left alone long enough for a parent to do the school run.

If not, you need to be building up to this. All the other stuff about bathing etc is a concern.

My DS has a neurological disorder and doesn't walk well, he''s not dextrous, he has trouble holding things and is a little bit "palsied" in how he moves his arms due to tumours pressing on parts of his spinal cord

I'd say the boy seems to have enough going on to warrant treating this situation the same as a 9yo who is neurotypical

Coordination problems in a large house could be a potential for him to fall and hurt himself more than another 9yo without mobility issues. So it's fair that his being left alone is done when both parents feel he is able to handle it

@Bellevu

He's 9 years old. Nowhere in your post do you mention a learning disability or developmental delay. A neurotypical 9 year old should be capable of being left alone long enough for a parent to do the school run.

If not, you need to be building up to this. All the other stuff about bathing etc is a concern.

Op did say this though which says to me he shouldn't be left alone

My DS has a neurological disorder and doesn't walk well, he''s not dextrous, he has trouble holding things and is a little bit "palsied" in how he moves his arms due to tumours pressing on parts of his spinal cord.

Hi

Thanks everyone. The school run is the shortest time that I am aware of.

As for my son's physical abilities, he is definitely not capable of helping himself out of difficulty so I am extremely concerned....

Anyway, it's interesting to see different points of view.

Cheers all.

If he worried too as presumably if he fell, he'd have trouble getting up again?
How long is the school run?
Do you know how long the bike ride could be ? At that age my kids could easily do a couple of hours but I assume it's not anything like that.
How did your son feel about being left?

You mention redness in DD’s knicker area? Are you suggesting sexual abuse? If so, then you need to call the police and withhold contact no matter what!

Could you ask your son to phone you when his dad leaves him alone? Then you could report it to the police at the time and see if they can help. Difficult as it puts your son in the middle though, so I guess it may be too much of an ask from him.

As a short term fix, I would get him a simple mobile so that if anything happens or if he feels scared while alone he can contact you.

Would you consider your son to be disabled? Does he receive DLA, have an EHCP or blue badge?

I dont want to worry you but you do need to document everything in detail, every time your child returns, and every new iinjury because its likely that your ex's 'defence' will be to say the injuries happened while he was in your care.

There's a thread you might want to look at as well. Unfortunately its been moved from the main boards even thought its about safeguarding and the family courts.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4462356-There-has-been-a-sudden-sharp-turn-in-holding-the-court-accountable-for-dismissing-domestic-violence-and-child-abuse-due-to-feminist-activity

You need to take dc to a Dr after every incident. It needs logged. And every other agency you can think of. And school. They need to be aware.. They can back you up if their behaviour is being negatively affected post seeing their df..

Sandysmum I think maybe the rash & soreness on her DD is from not having clean underwear and not bathing everynight I do hope so.

Bellevue he has a physical disability outlined clearly in op’s post. Doesn’t walk well - risk of falls and might not be able to get back up, unable to exit quickly in event of fire.
Yes dad might tell him to sit still and watch tv but if doorbell rings and he rushes he’s at higher risk of falling downstairs etc.
I’d tell school. Document instances and injuries. I’d look at getting legal advice re contact.

@Bellevu

He's 9 years old. Nowhere in your post do you mention a learning disability or developmental delay. A neurotypical 9 year old should be capable of being left alone long enough for a parent to do the school run.

If not, you need to be building up to this. All the other stuff about bathing etc is a concern.

You are joking?

OP literally says

My DS has a neurological disorder and doesn't walk well, he''s not dextrous, he has trouble holding things and is a little bit "palsied" in how he moves his arms due to tumours pressing on parts of his spinal cord.

My Grandma has trouble walking and needs to hold on to things to get about and I worry about her being home alone and that’s an adult who’s very much aware she’s fragile. Not a nine year old who’s trying to do nine year old stuff. Why does he need to have a learning disability/developmental delay to not be capable of being left alone? Why isn’t his physical disability enough?

@abigailsnan

Sandysmum I think maybe the rash & soreness on her DD is from not having clean underwear and not bathing everynight I do hope so.

I would seriously doubt it's caused just by not bathing every night and/or no clean knickers every day. I'd be taking her to the GP! Surely that needs to be investigated.

I mean it al depends just how bad the disability is.

Year 5 a lot of children start being left for short periods of times building up over year 6 ready for secondary school when most will then be spending an hour or two maybe more home alone regularly.

The knocker thing is weird… I’m not going to jump down rabbit holes so is there a chance it’s his washing powder or toilet roll that’s different to yours and is affecting her because it’s a delicate area.

Knicker! Ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Looking at that picture and hearing about your daughter’s knicker area issues, I think being left alone should be the least if your worries. Please call NSPCC.

YABU

From what you've put he isn't left home alone for very long periods

Even with your perceived concerns around his ability to look after himself this isn't a clear cut neglect situation

The fact you've put regardless of difficulty you'd have an issue with him being left does make it look like you're just kicking off for the sake of it

A physically and mentally average 9 yo can be left for short periods as you describe. My DD was left under these exact circumstances a few times BUT she was happy with it and knew not to play with knives etc PLUS we have a landline and she knows how to use it to call me or her dad. She's now 10.5 and leave her for an hour max in the day time. I would say that your DSs disability affects this but its still an individual decision - I'm not sure if it would be considered neglect in itself

The neglect of caring responsibilities is more concerning and I think NSPCC would be your best bet.