AIBU to be livid that vulnerable 9 year old is being left alone in the house on a regular basis....???/

[Flappypants]

Hi MN

You lot have always been brilliant so I have a question for you about how to prove that my nasty narc of an ex is leaving my very vulnerable 9.5 year old DS alone in the house on a regular basis.

I found out quite by chance one day that my ex (very messy divorce - some of you may remember the thread about my ex speeding at 140mph on the German motorway with my DS in the front seat and me and baby DD in the back) leaves my DS on his own in the house.

I have looked at govemernment guidance and whilst there's nothing in statute per se about a specific age that a child can be left alone, it definitely says it's an offence to leave a vulnerable child and certainly under 12 is not appropriate.

My DS has a neurological disorder and doesn't walk well, he''s not dextrous, he has trouble holding things and is a little bit "palsied" in how he moves his arms due to tumours pressing on parts of his spinal cord. Apparently his father has left him on his own (he is 9.5 and DD is 5) on occasions such as when he doesn't want to go out but DD wants to go for a bike ride, so ex takes her and leaves him by himself in a huge three storey four bed house with no landline (and no phone) that I know of. Or when DS is poorly and at home with ex (it's 50/50 - long long battle in court to try and prove that ex isn't appropriate - we ended up in refuge and I still lost) and ex has to collect DD from school, DS is left by himself while ex collects her from school. This happened as recently as this Friday.

I'm beside myself and seething and have no idea how to prove it. Ex is a conniving and gaslighting piece of work, and I know he would twist and belittle the DC....my little boy hasn't got the physical ability to get out of a sticky situation but even if he did I think 9 is too young. What if there's a fire? Or he tries to get something high up and something falls on him? Or a stranger knocks on the door and he lets them in.....

Honestly, it's mind boggling the scenarios that run through my mind....

AIBU?? Honestly?? I don't think I am and I'm seriously worried about my children. Help! He also had the DC from Christmas morning to NYE morning and didn't notice an infected sore on DD leg (nor did he bath them more than once during that period of time).....

@aristotlesdeathray. wow

@Bellevu

He's 9 years old. Nowhere in your post do you mention a learning disability or developmental delay. A neurotypical 9 year old should be capable of being left alone long enough for a parent to do the school run.

If not, you need to be building up to this. All the other stuff about bathing etc is a concern.

Hey??

OP says he has tumours pressing on his spine which make him clumsy!!

@Flappypants

NSPCC a good idea.

We have already had no success with MASH when I raised concerns that DD knicker area is red and sore probably 8/10 times when the DC come back from their long stints with him....I have such little faith in the system......

WTF? What has your GP said? Presumably you've taken her each time?

I wouldn't leave a NT 9 year old alone...

@abigailsnan

Sandysmum I think maybe the rash & soreness on her DD is from not having clean underwear and not bathing everynight I do hope so.

That's what I thought...maybe not wiping her after weeing?

@Bellevu except she clearly does mention and 9'is considered young to leave

What would his story be?
You always need to consider what he might say if it goes to court.
Dd s leg right? It can happen even with best care. Take to gp
Gp s are trained I safeguarding they can tell you if it raises concern
9 is a bit young but many 9 years may be out independently short time or left at home short time.
Talk thru with nspcc
Run thru with ds about not answering door if he home alone he doesn't need to .
Assume he cognitively able? If learning disabilities then different story

I've got a NT 9year old. There's no way I'd leave him home alone yet.

YANBU and I'm sorry your ex is such a tw*t.

Are there any neighbours who would be on side and help you get evidence?

What is your intention? To get an order specifying not leaving alone until xx age? Or?

Embrace…..good question. At this stage I’m sense checking and trying to establish best way forward because I’m just so worried….

As for knicker area I don’t think there’s abuse, just lack of care and lack of bathing. Which some might argue is a form of abuse but that’s not what I’m asking here.

The sore on her leg was originally a molluscum which I’d been to the doctor about. When I delivered the babes to the ex Christmas morning it was as normal. I got them back NYE morning. At bedtime on NYE she got undressed and I noticed her leg - you couldn’t miss it. I asked her if ex had seen it and she said no. I asked about bathing and I discovered they’d only been bathed once on the Monday before NYE. DS had had an additional bath on Christmas Day as he’d been sick on himself during the Christmas meal…DS is very tricky with food and ex bullies him into eating…,a whole OTHER story 😬😬😬😬🤦‍♀️

My DS is on the spectrum, awaiting a diagnosis for what and how and where…applying for EHCP…..he needs so much extra help. There is so much else I could ask about where ex is concerned and the care he gives the DC….court cost me £100k the first time round 😬😬😬

NHS 111 were great…called me back at 1.30am to tell me what I should do (I’d drained and clean the infection). Our normal GP called me on NYD and was astounded and disgusted by the infection….said had it been much longer and it might have made her very unwell. Antibiotics cleared it up nicely but I cannot believe he didn’t see her leg. Poor wee mite

Tricky.
Ex allowed ds to run off (asd) from paddling pool barefoot he had massive painful blisters on his feet for weeks
But if court already reviewed aNd decided
Might take a lot more.
Store the evidence
Keep talking to your gp,
Speak to safeguarding lead at the schools for advice but if dd seems happy and no issues overall then ?

You right to feel angry
But not sure you have enough to stop contact
You could speak to safeguarding lead at their schools, would they refer on in this case? Bring in ss?

I think it's difficult to get a sense of without knowing the child and his abilities.

Normally I'd think 9 was fine to be left while going on a bike ride with another child. So it seem like it really is dependent on his other issues. And while I am sure the OP is giving her honest opinion I also know sometimes parents can be too cautious in giving independence to kids, especially if they have challenges.

My thought is that maybe it would be best to get an opinion from another adult, with less emotional stake, who knows the boy and has a good sense of where he is.

Sorry, psted too soon - and then I'd carry on from there, a GP might be a good person to ask though maybe not your own who doesn't seem so helpful.

Hmm...I have a 10 Yr old, she has no physical problems but I don't ever leave her alone, she wouldn't be able to cope if the power went out, would panic at a fire, an unexpected knock at the door, a flood...I'm surprised so many people thing a 9 yr old is ok to be left alone..

I don't think leaving the 9.5-year-old alone sounds unreasonable, even give his particular issues. Though maybe a fuller description of their impact would change my mind. The examples of what could go wrong seem really far-fetched. If I were a judge listening to them I'd think irrationally anxious mother rather than endangered child. Though being what I think of as irrational anxious seems to be the obligatory standard for parenting on this forum, so I'm not sure how many will agree with me.

FWIW I think it is totally inappropriate to leave a 9.5 yo with suspected ASD and physical difficulties alone. Plus only bathing the kids once in a week is horrible and not noticing that sore is negligent. So YANBU and you need to follow this all up urgently. Good luck.

Jesus,
I think your ex is woefully neglectful.
Sores, bullying, leaving a disabled child alone? Disgusting. Do not play hindsight.
I would not allow him access.
If you spent £100k at the solicitors you need a new one. A bloody rottweiler. A brilliant one in Cheltenham.
I was abused as a child and my mother never knew. Big girl pants on and fight the barstard.

Wow some of these comments! My ds is 9 and no way would I leave him alone in the house!

Could it be possible your DD is wetting herself whilst at her dad’s?

I have a neurotypical 10 year old sensible ds I worry leaving him home alone. Have left him to walk 5 mins to the shop. I had my phone on me, he had his ipad (he can call iPhones). I wouldn’t leave him for long. I would be worried about a fire, surely he isn’t able to safely get himself out a large house with lots of stairs. I think great advice has been given, speak to nspcc, drs and document everything.

As well as the physical difficulties which could affect your son’s ability to get out of the house in an emergency there’s also the psychological effect of him being worried about this when left alone. Neglectful of your ex to treat him like this.

Some of these comments are baffling. People have hysterics over a 17 year old being left overnight, then think it's fine to leave a 9 year old alone, who's in real danger of hurting himself?

I swear people on here are contrary just for the sake of arguing sometimes.

Yes OP, your ex is a dick and your son is too young to be left. The other welfare issues are piss poor too.

Thanks everyone. Ex is playing silly buggers now…DD gets sore lips in the cold and sometimes comes back from a day at school or his house with very chapped lips. He’s trying to imply that it’s at my house when in fact I send her in on a Wednesday after a few days at mine, she’s with him or at school Weds and Thursday and when I video call Thurs night they look terrible. The game playing is terrible but it’s because he knows he’s on a slippery slope.

Appreciate the feedback everyone x

Hi again all

I discovered yesterday that the ex has left DS to collect DD and then gone on to Tesco to do a shop with her. I asked how long for and he said it was "four Transformers episodes"...in other words 4x20+ minutes....

Hope that clarifies - it certainly did for me and I am living with a constant know of fear in my stomach when they go to him and I have no way to prove it.

So I made sure both children know what to do in an emergency, I asked about exits from the house in case of fire and I made them learn my phone number off by heart. I also role played calling police/fire service/ambulance with them.....which I'd been doing for years anyway as he was away for weeks on end with work and I was by myself so I needed to know DS could call the emergency services. I've always kept a landline for that very reason. There's no phone in ex's house, but DS apparently has a tablet...hoping that he can make an emergency call from that. Otherwise I've just said to go to a neighbour.

Why in fuck's name should I be doing this for the times when they're in his care? Fair enough for mine as I'm by myself...I have a boyfriend and he's lovely but we aren't living together.