To ask OH to quit his job?

[neverendingwashing]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and I'm really struggling now especially with the school runs and I am late everyday taking them. I'm not sleeping and have a very low iron I'm having x2 transfusions a week. I really can't do another 9 weeks of this I feel dreadful.

OH runs an eBay store and has done for 2 years now and it's worked for us a family as he is able to do all the school runs in between. We've been able to clear debts and start saving again at around 4.5k now not much but a start.

Anyway January is always slow so instead of just waiting to get through to busier months he's gone and got a little part time job for an agency 8-2 £13 an hour I'm having to drop him off at work come back at 8:15 get the kids dressed and back out the door for 8:40.

I am on maternity pay and he is still earning from his eBay store just not the usual amount. It's enough for us to pay all bills and we could get topped up from UC we haven't had any UC in a while because we have earned way over the threshold.

AIBU or do I just need to suck it up? I get very faint and feel like I could collapse. The thought of anything happening when the kids are with me worries me.

I can see why you’re worried about driving if you’re feeling faint. Did he discuss the new job and its incompatibility with the school run before taking it?

He needs to find another way to get to work and get the children dressed and sorted in the morning, surely? Then you have a bit more time to sleep. However if you’re concerned about driving and a taxi (accompanied or not) to school is not an option then I suppose he will have to quit.

Is there another option - eg family or friend who could take the DC to school. It sounds like he still collects them from school in the afternoon?

If I was your neighbour and going that way I’d be happy to take them for you.

Could you try prepping everything the night before and getting him to get DC ready in the morning

Is it the walking to school that is the problem or the rushing round or the early starts???
I can see why he would want to work as much as possible because you are increasing your family and prices are going up. Also I’m assuming you have started your maternity leave early.

What does your midwife say?? She might have ideas of how you can stop the faintness feeling

Why can't he get himself to work? Could the kids go to breakfast club for a bit and he drops them off on his way?

He’s only working 6 hours a day and it’s a temporary position so I’d personally try and let him continue with it for the extra cash. Could the DC go to breakfast club at all? Your DH could also help you get them ready in the morning at least so all you have to do is drive him then drive them, that way they shouldn’t be late at all.

If the iron transfusions arent working, you really need to go back to the doctor as this isn’t fair on you.

Does your kids schools have breakfast clubs they could go to? He could drop them off on the way to work.

Talk to him about it and see what he says. I can see why he wouldn't be keen to leave his job to get topped up with UC though especially if there's no guarantee of that? If he was to leave, would he be able to get his eBay shop back to where it was or would it not be enough now?

Could you use some of the savings you've built up in paying someone to take the kids to school? I'm not entirely sure who, maybe childminders or local babysitters etc. you could ask on local Facebook groups for recommendations?

If he finishes at 2 then he'll be home for the kids after school so it sounds like it's the mornings that's the struggle.
Talk to him about it and try come up with a solution together before jumping to him quitting his job

Could you not drop him off at work? Then you've got more time to get the dc ready and to school. Or could he change the hours and start later so he can do the drop offs.

Has your midwife said anything to you about your iron and feeling faint? It's not unreasonable to expect some help from your dh while you're not feeling well, quitting a job is a bit excessive for a temporary situation but there are plenty of ways to work around it.

Why can't he make his own way to work?

Dress the kids before he goes to work.

You also need to see someone as the infusions don't seem to be working.

Neighbours, family, other school parents who can help take kids to school? Breakfast club?

I would suck it up. Get the kids ready before dropping him off and see if I could get them in breakfast club.

My mum lives 10 minutes away but doesn't drive so it's more of a burden because I would still have to pick her up drop her off. OH could get them dressed for me but it means the kids would have to be up at about 6:45 then I could just give them breakfast when we come back but then I don't know if it's too much on the kids?

I've just started on the iron transfusions so I won't start feeling the effects yet.

I don't think you should be driving if you feel like you are going to faint any second. Can't your OH just take the kids and drop them off at breakfast club on his way to work? Or drop them off at your mum if she can then take them to school?

No I wouldn’t ask him to quit. Why doesn’t anyone else in your family drive! Is there a local mum who will knock and pick up your kids on the way past? Do you have a school WhatsApp group? Post on there and explain the issue and if anyone can help.

Few questions;
How far away is the school?
Is it walking distance if someone else was to take them?
Can you dip into savings for the next couple of month for breakfast club? This sounds like it was invaluable.
Assuming you take the kids with you to drop him at work? Get them dressed before that.
Getting them up earlier for afew month is fine to get you through.

I wouldn't ask him to quit but things do need juggled around.

Sympathy for the faintness, I collapsed a few times when I was pregnant, and well remember how scared it made me to get behind a car wheel. With me, it was to do with the baby’s weight pressing on the vein that carries blood to the brain. For me, it helped to never lean backwards (for example sitting up straight, or slightly forwards, when sittin even on sofa, plus sleeping on side but never on back etc). Might be worth a try.

Anyway.

Can he perhaps negotiate with the agency to start at 9 instead, so he can do the school run on his way? Or can he take them to an early morning club at the school?

Or yes if he usually does all the school runs it’s unreasonable of him to suddenly stop right when you’re heavily pregnant. If he can’t adjust his hours so he can do the school run, I’d suggest he quits and uses savings instead and him doing the extra job after baby comes.

You should not be getting behind the wheel of a car if you feel very faint.

You could harm yourself, your children, or someone else.

Please find alternative arrangements.

I have some sympathy OP but rather than your OH work you want him to quit and get UC instead?
Unless he absolutely can’t work then he shouldn’t be leaving a job and claiming benefits. I am grateful that we have a benefits system to help people who can’t work for whatever reason but I don’t think struggling to get the kids to school is one really.
I hope you feel better soon but if your OH can work then he should and in any case can you claim benefits if you voluntarily leave your job?

He took the job just to get through January to be honest as it will start to pick up again through feb. I think because we have been in debt before he is afraid of it happening again. But we made tons of poor decisions back then.

DD is at the nursery and she is only doing mornings so I am back up there again to collect her in a hour. I have thought about asking if she could do full time instead. Last week she was off due to her teachers having covid and I managed much better as DS will pretty much get dressed by himself.

I will have to speak to OH when he comes back and see what he thinks as it is mainly the mornings. I should be ok if he gets up and sorts the kids for me.

@Hoppinggreen I am a UC caseworker and their are millions of people that are self employed that still rely on UC it's their to help when you need it some months you may earn more/less that's what it's there for.OH has taken on a another job whilst still running his business it's a bit different.

I am also SE and mentor small businesses.
If they aren’t making enough to need topping up with benefits then I would question whether that is a viable Business at all. ALL Businesses have cash flow peaks and troughs and unless you can mitigate those it might be better just to get a job instead. The exception is in the first year or in times of unexpected crisis.
You say he has taken on a job to get through a quiet month and good on him for that but if it’s something he has to do regularly then his Business isn’t working

People who are in full time employment sometimes need (and qualify for) Universal Credit. I get it myself despite having a job, because wages are low and housing costs are high. And all the 'get a better job' advice is smug nonsense: unless you have specific skills and relevant experience, most jobs are underpaid.

Why do you have to drop him off, can he find an alternative way of getting there? Doesn't seem that unreasonable to work whilst business is slow and with a baby on the way.

Has your OH asked his work colleagues about the possibility of a lift? There may be someone living nearby who could help. I worked for an agency in a factory for a while and when our car broke down I thought that was the end of my job (no public transport ) but I mentioned it to my friends at work and within a couple of hours they'd sorted me a lift, which then became a regular thing. It was standard practice for one employee with a car to give a lift to several others. It's worth a try.

How far away is OH work? Why are you dropping him off? I agree re the viability if the EBay job, given significant previous debts. I think it’s important he keeps working to support your children,

@Wreath21

People who are in full time employment sometimes need (and qualify for) Universal Credit. I get it myself despite having a job, because wages are low and housing costs are high. And all the 'get a better job' advice is smug nonsense: unless you have specific skills and relevant experience, most jobs are underpaid.

It’s completely different A business that cannot provide a decent wage for even 1 employee isn’t viable business unless it’s a short term glitch. Low wages are a completely separate issue and if a wage needs to be topped up then it’s not right but it’s how it is and it’s good that as a country we do that

I am in favour of universal basic income tbh, because more people starting businesses is generally a good thing. And it can take a while to make a business viable, but it shouldn't be a matter of only the already-wealthy being allowed to do this

I completely agree
I help people to start Businesses daily and it is a good thing.
However, too many don’t think it through or plan properly and end up losing money or worse. Needing support (financial or otherwise initially or in times of crisis you couldn’t plan for easily) is one thing but if a Business owner creates a Business that can’t support even 1 wage long term then it’s a hobby rather than a Business
Grants etc are available to help people start up and lack of initial capital shouldn’t be a barrier ideally but too many so called Businesses limp on for far too long. I completely agree that more people should be given the opportunity to start a business though