To never take time off work?

[WhenToStop]

Now I don't mean NEVER. I do book scheduled holidays.
But when I'm poorly, or something happens which would warrant taking time off work, I never do. I think this is because I'm self employed.

This week I've been really poorly (I have Covid but didn't get positive test till weekend).

I continued to work despite being really ill.
DP had no sympathy for me. Was annoyed with me that I wasn't tidying up. Didn't make tea for when I'd finished work at 7pm because they were annoyed with me. Etc. (Usually whoever finishes work first will cook).

Since my positive test at the weekend, DP has been more supportive, making me drinks, doing the cooking etc and actually said 'god you've actually been ill then? This week hasn't been a good week to moan at you about tidying. I feel a bit bad now'.

DP now has Covid which was to be expected.

Anyway - DP has said the reason they were so unsympathetic is because I continued to work. But I always work.
When I've been ill I've continued to work. When family members have died, I haven't taken time off.
When I've miscarried I've continued to work. I really struggle to take time off. I find it so hard to cancel my work, and contact clients to say I need time off for whatever reason, and DP knows this.

It also means not receiving a penny financially if I cancel my work which feels like a contributing factor - plus then trying to fit all the work back in when I return alongside all the other work I have on. So it's easier just to carry on.

Now DP is saying that's why they don't sympathise when I'm ill, and they're now booking the whole week off because they're too ill to work.

Does anyone else have this struggle. I find it so hard. Now I'm back in work. Still ill and feeling like shit but can't bear to cancel anyone.

No. But I’m employed with sick pay and my husband isn’t a prick.

In 16 years he’s never moaned at me about housework.

He’s never anything but sympathetic if I say I’m unwell.

Your partner is the issue here.

I do have some sympathy with your DP tbh. If you’re well enough to work then you’re well enough to tidy/cook etc. It’s not really fair to say I’m ok to work but you need to do all the tidying and cooking because I’m ill.

I do understand it’s harder if you are self employed and don’t get paid if you don’t work, but otoh if you work through illness rather than resting, you are likely to end up being ill for longer.

No one is irreplaceable. People understand if you need to cancel.
I hadn't had any time off sick for more than 10 years, but now have Covid.
Take time off, get well or you risk being off for longer

I sympathise with you, I am very like this. I am slightly better now as I am employed, rather than freelance. But I had terrible vertigo from an earache (I have hearing loss and ongoing problems in that ear) and should have had Friday off, but just kept going. I wish I hadn't now because I'm starting this week really tired.

One thing I had to do when I was freelancing to help this problem was to dock myself "sick leave and annual leave" pay. So I set a proportion of my income to go out of my account automatically into a savings account that had no other money in it. I calculated how much I would earn on average over a week and worked out what proportion I needed to set aside each month to pay myself four weeks' leave and two weeks' sick leave over the year.

I had really been struggling before that with anxiety from worrying about taking time off and pushing myself to the edge of burnout.

As to your DP, they should believe you when you say you're ill. But sadly, people do seem to take illness more seriously when you have time off.

But the first thing to sort out seems to be that you need to allow yourself to take time off. Then you'll have a bit more time and energy to look at the rest.

Yes. I haven't taken time off sick in years (employed full time) except a couple of days in hospital where I didn't have access to my work. I worked the rest of the time I was ill but from home until I recovered. I worked part of my maternity leave too and worked through a close bereavement at Christmas.

No one does my work while I'm not there. It isn't just passed on to colleagues. It's probably not a good thing to do as customers can hear on the phone I'm not well (ie can hear the pain in my voice etc) and comment on it. It's also not recognised in any way by my employer.

I always think 'next time I'm ill I'll bloody take sick leave ' but I never do. I do find my attitude is that people take sick leave too easily and you should be very ill.

However, I don't have a DP with an attitude like yours. There's no excuse for how he's behaved regardless of whether you went off sick or not.

If you’re well enough to work then you’re well enough to tidy/cook etc. It’s not really fair to say I’m ok to work but you need to do all the tidying and cooking because I’m ill.

No you aren't, you really aren't. Sometimes we just have to work when ill because we need the money and/or don't want to let people down just as the OP has said here. Everything else then has to wait unless you've a supportive partner/family to help.

Well in your position I see the point, how does he feel about the money aspect, would he rather support you to work so you don't lose income, or not?

My DH will continue to work when sick and then expect me to pick up the slack with home and kids including all the night wakings. It makes me furious, as if only his work is important, not the kids happiness or my happiness or indeed my work. But he could take time off paid and no one would be particularly let down.

@hoorayandupsherises

I sympathise with you, I am very like this. I am slightly better now as I am employed, rather than freelance. But I had terrible vertigo from an earache (I have hearing loss and ongoing problems in that ear) and should have had Friday off, but just kept going. I wish I hadn't now because I'm starting this week really tired.

One thing I had to do when I was freelancing to help this problem was to dock myself "sick leave and annual leave" pay. So I set a proportion of my income to go out of my account automatically into a savings account that had no other money in it. I calculated how much I would earn on average over a week and worked out what proportion I needed to set aside each month to pay myself four weeks' leave and two weeks' sick leave over the year.

I had really been struggling before that with anxiety from worrying about taking time off and pushing myself to the edge of burnout.

As to your DP, they should believe you when you say you're ill. But sadly, people do seem to take illness more seriously when you have time off.

But the first thing to sort out seems to be that you need to allow yourself to take time off. Then you'll have a bit more time and energy to look at the rest.

I'm sorry to hear you're not well. I do put money to one side each month but I still struggle to take the time off. I'm also pregnant and conscious that I need to earn and save as much as I can at the moment. (We are having shared parental leave so I can continue to do some work).

Working is more important than tidying up, particularly if you don’t get paid. I think your clients would be more understanding than you expect and your DP sounds like they have been an arse.

I've always worked through anything that's not rendered me unable to get out of bed. And I'm PAYE with good sick pay!

I've also been quite unwell for a few days and tested positive last night (now I've started to feel better ).

So now I'm isolating until at least Thursday depending on when I get my 2 negatives.

Funnily enough I'm the opposite with my ds! He has a neurological condition. If he's under the weather I always encourage a rest day.

Even today when he's woken up sneezing and sore throat (but still testing negative atm) I've told him to stay home from college.

Mostly because he struggles with his muscles if unwell anyway but also because I was like this for 48 hours before I tested positive. And 6 of us all tested positive over the weekend and I really think he will and don't think a year 13 class of students want it brought into college if he also has covid!

I get it, you're SE and pregnant, but don't martyr yourself when you're ill. You'll end up more sick and take longer to recover sometimes when a day in bed would allow your body to recuperate.

@MotherOfCrocodiles

Well in your position I see the point, how does he feel about the money aspect, would he rather support you to work so you don't lose income, or not?

My DH will continue to work when sick and then expect me to pick up the slack with home and kids including all the night wakings. It makes me furious, as if only his work is important, not the kids happiness or my happiness or indeed my work. But he could take time off paid and no one would be particularly let down.

I earn the most so although DP will say about me having time off, I also pay the majority of the household bills and other finances we have etc. If I take time off, I lose a lot of money and DP can't support financially or cover my costs etc.

But the point with managing work but not housework I understand.

I'm a LP to ds who is disabled so I've always had to pick up household chores if ill. But it's the bare minimum needed.

I've been known to order take out a few days or do microwave meals if I've had energy to struggle through work.
I also don't worry about housework for that time. It'll always still be there when I'm better

@SilverHairedCat
I've had the weekend off as I didn't have work booked in. So it's helped having those 2 days. Now I'm working for the next 7 days with 1 day off next week. I just wish I'd taken a couple of days off earlier in the week really.

I'm similar OP even though I'm not self employed. I've only ever taken a sick day off work once, and that was decades ago. This is partly because I'm not prone to illness, but also because when I am feeling a bit under the weather I just get on with it really. Your DP may not understand this so you need to spell it out for him.

I get that people are saying if I'm ok to work then I shouldn't expect DP to do all housework etc. But I wasn't expecting that. It was more that DP was expecting me to do more etc and now they're ill, they'll be having the week off work etc.
DP does take time to off work fairly easily. If we've both been through a bereavement or when we've had miscarriages etc, DP will take time off work and I'll continue to work.
Maybe if I was employed with sick pay I'd do the same.
I just feel a bit resentful of it at times.

Your DP sounds like an arse - he should want to help you when you're unwell and particularly when you're pregnant. It sounds like he doesn't see you as a real person with your own wants, needs and feelings. You have functions to provide money and do housework. What will happen when the baby comes - you will be responsible for working, caring for the baby and running the house? What does shared parental leave mean in practice? I'd have a serious think about how the arrival of the baby is going to impact you. Funny that he's happy to take time off and not earn when he's unwell...

Honestly, I don't know. You say you are 'really ill' but I suspect our perspectives differ on really ill. When I had covid, I was 'really ill' but I literally was stuck in bed, coughing til I vomited several times a day, temps of over 40 degrees, ongoing pneumonia for a few weeks. I literally couldn't even lift my phone to send a text. So of course I couldn't work.

However if I am physically able to work, then yes I do.

Everyone has a different idea of what 'really ill' is so its hard to answer this.

Part of being self employed is having money to tide you over when unwell and knowing your own self well enough to know when you need to cancel work and take time off. Yes of course it is hard to cancel people, but you need to force yourself out of your comfort zone at times and make yourself do stuff you don't like.

I can see why DP feels if you are working, you are well enough to participate in household chores.

I honestly don’t get these men. My DH is wfh and I’m sick.

He’s done the school run, told me he’ll take time off if I need to rest (3yo also home sick with me), asked where the carpet cleaner is as he plans to scrub a patch of carpet at lunchtime, taken lunch out of the freezer for us both (homemade soup that he made in case of sickness) and changed and dressed the little one and made both kids breakfast.

All of the men my friends are in long term relationships with would do these things as standard.

Your DP needs to buck his ideas up.

@WhenToStop

I get that people are saying if I'm ok to work then I shouldn't expect DP to do all housework etc. But I wasn't expecting that. It was more that DP was expecting me to do more etc and now they're ill, they'll be having the week off work etc. DP does take time to off work fairly easily. If we've both been through a bereavement or when we've had miscarriages etc, DP will take time off work and I'll continue to work. Maybe if I was employed with sick pay I'd do the same. I just feel a bit resentful of it at times.

But it is normal to take time off when going through those things, it is very unfair to resent your DP for it. If you feel that strongly, perhaps you could go back into employment? Working for yourself isn't for everyone, I know I wouldn't do it.

@PrivateHall She's not resenting her DP for taking time off, she's resenting get DP for not supporting her when she wasn't feeling well.

I don't understand what kind of work you do that can't be rearranged if you're ill? I hate dealing with sick colleagues who insist on working. It feels like they're being a martyr. And if I had hired someone who worked despite being ill I would feel guilty that they felt like they couldn't just tell me they were ill! Nothing is so pressing that it can't wait a few days.

@Merryoldgoat

I honestly don’t get these men. My DH is wfh and I’m sick.

He’s done the school run, told me he’ll take time off if I need to rest (3yo also home sick with me), asked where the carpet cleaner is as he plans to scrub a patch of carpet at lunchtime, taken lunch out of the freezer for us both (homemade soup that he made in case of sickness) and changed and dressed the little one and made both kids breakfast.

All of the men my friends are in long term relationships with would do these things as standard.

Your DP needs to buck his ideas up.

I think OP's DP is female so that's a bit of a generalisation!

All these people never taking time off when ill could be admirable as long as you are not taking your germs into an office or otherwise environment and spreading them. Thus making others take time off they may well not be able to afford either

So you said you were ill but carried on working (presumably he knows you so knows you do this), but he had a pop at you for not doing the housework as well and actually refused to make a meal for you because of the housework thing and YOU’RE PREGNANT?? Jesus Christ.

And he was only decent to you when you got the positive PCR? It wasn’t enough for his pregnant partner to say “I’m still working but I really don’t feel well.”

Another day, another thread, another shit man.