To never take time off work?

[WhenToStop]

Now I don't mean NEVER. I do book scheduled holidays.
But when I'm poorly, or something happens which would warrant taking time off work, I never do. I think this is because I'm self employed.

This week I've been really poorly (I have Covid but didn't get positive test till weekend).

I continued to work despite being really ill.
DP had no sympathy for me. Was annoyed with me that I wasn't tidying up. Didn't make tea for when I'd finished work at 7pm because they were annoyed with me. Etc. (Usually whoever finishes work first will cook).

Since my positive test at the weekend, DP has been more supportive, making me drinks, doing the cooking etc and actually said 'god you've actually been ill then? This week hasn't been a good week to moan at you about tidying. I feel a bit bad now'.

DP now has Covid which was to be expected.

Anyway - DP has said the reason they were so unsympathetic is because I continued to work. But I always work.
When I've been ill I've continued to work. When family members have died, I haven't taken time off.
When I've miscarried I've continued to work. I really struggle to take time off. I find it so hard to cancel my work, and contact clients to say I need time off for whatever reason, and DP knows this.

It also means not receiving a penny financially if I cancel my work which feels like a contributing factor - plus then trying to fit all the work back in when I return alongside all the other work I have on. So it's easier just to carry on.

Now DP is saying that's why they don't sympathise when I'm ill, and they're now booking the whole week off because they're too ill to work.

Does anyone else have this struggle. I find it so hard. Now I'm back in work. Still ill and feeling like shit but can't bear to cancel anyone.

Oh. Wait. Is the partner not a man? I’m afraid I may have assumed.

I’ll correct my former post:

Another day, another thread, another shit partner.

Indeed @T00Ts

I appear to have made the same error.

But yes - another day, another woman with a useless partner and unable to see it.

Ok so you being the main earner does make it very hard to take time off. And your DP is not really seeing that and is just assuming you can’t be that ill if you are working.

I think you need to say to DP, I’d love to take time off when I’m unwell, which bill do you suggest we don’t pay?? Then they might get it. (You shouldn’t need to say this, but…)

I do think you need to be careful with your health though especially as you are pregnant.

[quote GiantSpider]@PrivateHall She's not resenting her DP for taking time off, she's resenting get DP for not supporting her when she wasn't feeling well.[/quote]
That isn't what the post that I quoted says though, is it. I can only by the info given by the op.

Yanbu to expect sympathy and support from your partner when you’re ill.

Your partner sounds like a dick to be honest.

Whether you should work or not when ill is a COMPLETELY SEPERATE issue to whether your partner should be supportive m/nice to you when you’re ill.

It sounds to me like you’re a bit of a workaholic and get of a lot of your self-esteem / emotional feedback from your work, possibly because your partner is so unloving I don’t know.

But if you eanna be a workaholic, be a workaholic 🤷‍♀️ doesn’t mean your partner gets to be a dick.

Yanbu to work through at home if you want to. But yabu to say you're well enough to work but not to do the house stuff.

Nope.

I have weeks when work is the ONLY thing I do - in recent times it's because I'm ill or menopause exhaustion or because I've had a broken hip

I ALWAYS continue to work - and then either order takeaway or eat a slice of toast and take vitamins

Work is money to pay the mortgage, everything else can wait

(Im a therapist who works online so my work can be done even if I literally can't move from a chair)

Not once has my Dh said anything about it - there are just some weeks when the house is messier 🤷‍♀️

I had 22 days off last year - every other day I worked. I was supporting medics on Covid wards so it was an exceptional year and we all had to do our bit

YABU to never take time off ill when you need it. I understand it’s hard when you’re self employed - I’ve been freelance - but if you’re sick, you’re sick. Maybe as a PP said a salaried role might suit you better and relieve some pressure.

Your partner is also BU for their attitude, but they’re not doing anything wrong by taking sick or bereavement days.

Well, I didn't in my previous job, I ignored my health , physical and mental , because my manager at the time made it incredibly difficult to take time off if you were ill. She would contact whoever was off constantly regarding work. Then I had a heart attack ......
I will never again put a job before my own wellbeing.

There is a massive difference between people who are employed Vs self-employed when it comes to this sort of thing.

DH is self-employed. I don't think he's ever taken anytime off sick apart from when he has been forced into it. (Injury that made his job impossible & Covid)
He's probably had more days off to look after the kids when they or I have been ill, than days off for an actual illness himself.

This has meant in the past that he hasn't sought medical help when he should have and been a lot more unwell than was necessary.

I work in a school. I'm off with Covid atm, over the worst of it but still suffering with fatigue and feel unable to work. However I know that DH would power through if it felt like this and no way would he take any time off for feeling 'tired' as he puts it.

I'm hardly ever off work, but if I'm genuinely ill then I don't drag myself in and plough on regardless. Probably because I get paid either way!

I bet there is some interesting data on people that receive sick pay, being positive with Covid and needing atleast 10 days of isolation. Verses self-employed or people not receiving sick pay, testing negative and getting back to work on day 5.

I'm self employed and I never have time off. I would have to be physically incapable of going to work. I've still got overheads and staff to pay for so unless I'm dying, I'm in work. Fortunately I'm not a poorly person. It's only since the end of first lockdown I've had constant colds and sniffles. I've not been ill with any of it, and I've never tested positive for Covid. My current bout I've had for four weeks. It's even stranger because ds tested positive last week with the exact same symptoms I've had all these weeks. To be on the safe side I'm working alone for the next few days. If I was really poorly DH wouldn't look after me per se, but he would take care of the cooking and cleaning etc, whether I was working or not. As I would for him.

Thank you all for your comments and replies.
Just to answer some questions - what I mean by 'really ill' is I was aching everywhere, sore throat, coughing, bad chest, feeling sick, loss of appetite, couldn't sleep, pounding headache that continued regardless of having paracetamol.

The resentment isn't about DP taking time off but more about how unsympathetic they are when I'm not well and when I look back and the things DP said and did during this time, I realise they were in fact being a bit of an arse.
When they're ill it's a whole other story, so now they're feeling poorly, me being ill has gone out the window.

And no, it isn't that I'm carrying germs into an office. I work from home and all my meetings are online so I wasn't going out at all during this time.

Covid is a tricky one, in that people are required to isolate even if they feel fine, and individual responses / symptoms are so variable. Where I work (school) loads of people are catching it atm. They are all responding differently: physically some are fine, some are exhausted and ill, some start off fine and then get really sick after a few days. Similarly some are determined to soldier on, some throw in the towel and go to bed. Some have lots of non work responsibilities to juggle - childcare, school run, parents wfh and also ill - some have none of this and want to keep working. They all have the same generous sick pay benefits (full pay maintained by employer) and they all have the same guidance from our HR (if you are well enough, you can télétravail from home and you don’t need to get a sick note, if you are too sick to work then you get a sick note from the govt website and you do nothing work-related for the duration: in either case full pay is maintained). So every one is responding differently to the same situation ! Yesterday I had one teacher complaining that she had felt pressured to keep working even though she was ill, whereas another complained that she was being prevented from doing work while off and physically able to do so. Everyone thinks that their ‘normal’ is the norm.

I'm self employed and exactly the same as you OP. For various reasons we've not had any holidays the last few years, but I did take a few days off around Christmas - although I was still answering emails from clients.

It's multiple things isn't it? It's not just the money you'll lose, although there is that. It's also inconveniencing clients, the worry about appearing unprofessional, potential loss of future work, reputation, not delivering on something that's really essential (for the client) etc etc. As a freelancer, our personal problems aren't actually any concern of the client - if they're contracted us to get a job done by a certain time, it needs to get done. That's the essence of being self employed. It's tough, but that's just how it is. So taking time off that isn't scheduled is hard for many more reasons than just loss of income - although for me, that's a big problem too.

But going back to the original issue - some of the comments on this thread illustrate the problem perfectly. "You can't be that ill if you're able to work".....well, true, there are some types of flu etc when you literally can't raise your head off the pillow. But most viruses etc, it is possible to make a huge effort to drag your arse to the laptop and work through a pounding headache, utterly exhausted, counting the minutes until you've finished the job. You use every scrap of energy you have to do the job, and just want to crawl back in bed when you're done. Because sometimes being self-employed you just have to.

The difficulty is that others just see you functioning and make assumptions that you probably don't ACTUALLY feel that bad. Because if you can work, you MUST be actually OK? And you're probably just exaggerating for effect.... Especially if they're the kind of person who drops everything at the first sign of any illness, it's hard for them to understand how/why you're able to do what you do.

Sympathies OP. It's tough when you feel as if you've got to keep all those plates spinning. I think it's just that others see you being functional, and just cannot grasp how you're able to do that if you genuinely do feel rotten.

You do sound like a bit if a martyr. And you need to set boundaries when self employed. In a stressful busy job many of us will continue to work all through illness etc even if we are employed. If you are however working every time you are extremely ill because you are on the breadline then it sounds like you and DP need to look at the family finances.

It was January when I last posted here - but I've been thinking about this thread so thought I'd post again.

As I said in the original post - I never take time off work. Ever.

Lately I've been experiencing really bad headaches. I've still been working. The other night DP said we should go to the hospital to get checked out.
Now, normally I'd NEVER do that. The only reason I agreed is because I'm pregnant and wanted to check the baby is ok.

We came to the hospital and all checks for the baby showed they're fine. So I thought 'great, right let's go home now'. However, they said they want to do checks on me which to be honest, didn't even cross my mind. I thought we were checking the baby - not me.

They said they were admitting me to keep an eye on me and try to manage the pain etc whilst doing other checks.

All I could think about was work. I must have done the doctors heads in.
All I was saying was
"I can't stay. I can't take time off work. I need to go home. I have meetings booked in that I can't cancel. Is there wifi here so I can do it here?'

Honestly, I was desperately trying to find ways of getting home so I could work. Kept saying I wish I'd never bloody come to get checked out blah blah blah.
Basically being an annoying arsehole.

The doctor came in and basically said
'we need you to rest. Please cancel your work for today. I know it's a priority to you but you are our priority. You need to focus on yourself. You need rest'.
I ended up cancelling work yesterday and was so stressed, anxious and worked up over it.

Then, Yesterday after my MRI scan, they told me they've found something in my brain that they weren't expecting, and they're going to do further checks, blood tests etc.
they're not sure if it's a bleed or a cyst. But they can see where it's positioned and might need to do another MRI to see more closely etc. they can't do a CT scan yet because I'm pregnant.

Anyway, I basically shit myself.
Getting back to work just wasn't a focus.
All I could think was:
'I'm having this baby in a few weeks and I might not even get to see her grow up'.
I know that might sound dramatic. But I started almost bargaining and praying
'I won't work another day in my life if you just let me be a mum to my baby'.

They've kept me in another night. I'm waiting on results today. Hopefully it's nothing serious and they've said to try not to worry as I don't have other symptoms which shows it's not like a massive bleed etc.

But it's just really made me reevaluate everything.
All the stress of missing work etc and really it wasn't a priority in the slightest when the doctor told me that.

I've had to cancel work today but have felt completely different about it. I'm nowhere near as stressed or anxious about cancelling. And I'm looking at taking more time off going forward. It isn't the be all and end all I've made it out to be all these years.

Sorry it's such a massive post but I've been thinking about it and wanted to give this update.

Sending you lots of love, OP Hope you get some good reassuring news today