How do you control your teenagers diet??

[velvet24]

My 17 yr old wants Mc Donalds all the time, obv I say no (get take out about once a week to theyhave Mcd) but now dd has job she can buy whatever she wants & often randomly orders herself Mcd on UBer eats. She is overweight and even my ds is worried and says I have let her down as should be controlling it , he really upset me but maybe he is right?? She buys cakes and has them in her room & likes to eat pots of icing (admitdely I have let he buy these as stupidly keeping her happy).

I feel I have failed, thought I was a good mum but maybe not. Is it too late to change things?

I can’t see the problem with saying, “no we don’t eat Nutella out of the jar, put it back and stop wasting my money”…

@amusedbush

Don't. I can't stress enough how much you need to just leave it.

My mum was terrified of me becoming fat so she tried to control my diet my whole life. It became really pronounced when I hit puberty and was much more hungry - she responded by taking me to a slimming club at 12 years old and making me keep a food diary. She attached so much shame to food, making me feel embarrassed and saying, "put that back, you can't possibly be hungry!" if I tried to take a snack from the kitchen between meals.

That was 20 years ago and my relationship with food has never recovered. I started buying piles of secret junk food when I got my own money at 17 and even now I still binge eat in secret and hide the wrappers from my husband. My weight goes up and down (by stones rather than a few pounds) every other year. I've seen two doctors, a psychologist, a counsellor, I've been medicated and I've seriously considered gastric surgery. I have never known peace when it comes to food and weight.

OP, do not touch this with a barge pole. It won't go the way you want it to.

This has made me cry. (I am very hormonal and pregnant atm - but this also hits very close to home). I also had the "Eating again?!?!" "Do you really need that?" comments.

@pregnantncnc

I’m sorry to hear you were similarly affected you writing ‘do you really need that?’ has unlocked horrible memories here too because my mum definitely said that a lot.

I’ve just remembered an incident a few years ago when the whole extended family went out for a meal to celebrate my younger brother’s 21st birthday. We all had three courses and then the wait staff brought out a birthday cake. My dad reached for a piece and my mum snapped ‘do you really need dessert AND cake??’ …to her HUSBAND I won’t even justify him wanting cake by pointing out that he is slim and active because, frankly, that is fatphobic and nobody - fat or thin - deserves anyone shaming their dietary choices.

She just has such contempt for junk food and attaches so much shame to it. Even in my 30s I feel like a dirty pig for wanting a McDonalds.

@amusedbush Sorry for unlocking that for you. That's awful about your dad too. I really hope he was able to just roll his eyes and eat the cake anyway.

My own parents are both still very much obsessed with dieting and "being healthy" (even though neither of them really are, but they heavily judge others - especially me - for doing the 'unhealthy' things that they deem are beneath them) and talking about food at all with them makes me want to pull my hair out.

And YES, even though I'm an adult who is full independent and has been for a long time, I still panic a little inside if I think my parents might find out that DH and I ordered a takeaway. Looks like I know what I'll be tackling next in therapy

@velvet24

PCOS is a possibility as there are other symptoms

She also eats Nutella out of the jar In her room

i have some good ideas here thank you

My daughter eats Nutella from the jar too. Blows me away. At her age the most fattening thing I ate was a piece of cake on someone's birthday.

But things are so different now, there's so much junk food available and people live differently with convenience foods and of course lockdowns making us spend huge amounts of time at home.

Teens are finding their way. I continue to think that gentle support is advisable rather than lectures or attempts to control. I'm sure she is painfully aware of being overweight.

If she is going to the gym then she is somewhat motivated. Rather than look at it from a control perspective, could you frame it towards helping her have the right food to fuel her gym sessions? I know myself - if I've been eating crap I don't perform as well at the gym - if I'm eating well - I have more energy and do better. It's kind of like if you put the wrong fuel in your car - its not going to run well.

Fridge is now full of strawberries, grapes and raspeberries which dd is snacking on , however found out she did buy herself a 12 pack of creme eggs, I give up!

I give up!

That's exactly what I'm telling you to do. Leave it alone. Do nothing.

Whatever you do will cause harm and any lifestyle changes need to come from your DD on her own terms. it may take longer than you would like - or not at all - but I promise you sticking your oar in won't go well.

As pp have said, you can't control her diet.

You can make sure there is always healthy food in the house for her, don't buy sweets/snacks/biscuits for the cupboards, eat healthy meals as a family, and model good eating habits yourself. At 17, that's the best you can do.

You can’t control her diet at that age I’m afraid. I have every sympathy because my Mother was in the same situation with my brother. He used to play football a lot so was super athletic then he stopped at 17 and piled on weight. He’d do exactly as your DD does- order takeaways most nights with his own money, he’d actually eat the meal my DM had cooked and then order a take away afterwards . He also had food stashed in his room as you mentioned. Nothing my Mum could realistically do because he was an adult and it was his own money. She was super upset about it and would regularly have chats with him about it but he didn’t seem to care.

He was about 8 stone overweight at his heaviest. He’s a postie now so walks all of the time and the weight has flown off.

Yep, you can fill the fridge with fruit and veg and low fat everything but once they're earning their own money it'll go on whatever they fancy eating. I think giving up is about the best thing you can do.

So she could have had comments, looks and silent abuse from her brother for years, then? It's none of his business and may have contributed to her need to eat away from observation.

Rather than the 'You're fat and I don't like it when your brother is perfect so I'm going to do the ''oh, let's eat healthily as a family'' speech' that she will see straight through, have you considered asking her whether there's a reason why she doesn't want to be seen eating? If she's been on the receiving end of mean comments, 'jokes' or fucking 'banter' from her brother?

You might be able to encourage her to eat things that will help her get the best out of the gym, help build her strength, recovery time and stamina, which would also help her feel better on days when she isn't exercising, but to do the You need to go on a Diet manipulation isn't going to work.

The strongest memory of my childhood was when I'd finally gone from underweight to a normal one aged 9 and ate some crackers without permission - 'You're fat and greedy and that's why nobody likes you' - but the insidious diet magazines left out and a fridge full of diet foods, along with the complete absence of foods I actually liked in favour of carbs and skimmed milk (bit shit when I had undiagnosed celiac disease, really), no money so I couldn't buy what I wanted and a complete ban upon food in the bedroom, outside mealtimes, strict portion control and constant going on about how little and pretty my older half sister had been and how slim and strong my half brothers had been and how great they were at sport did way more damage.