How do you control your teenagers diet??

[velvet24]

My 17 yr old wants Mc Donalds all the time, obv I say no (get take out about once a week to theyhave Mcd) but now dd has job she can buy whatever she wants & often randomly orders herself Mcd on UBer eats. She is overweight and even my ds is worried and says I have let her down as should be controlling it , he really upset me but maybe he is right?? She buys cakes and has them in her room & likes to eat pots of icing (admitdely I have let he buy these as stupidly keeping her happy).

I feel I have failed, thought I was a good mum but maybe not. Is it too late to change things?

My ds - although 14 buys far more junk food so i reduce the amount i buy

I also unpopular on mn.. still make his packed lunch , made his breakfast this morning- he is healthier for it.

I have also had rukes in our house have cake but have friit with it.. more balance with it.

How is your diet?

I would start buying and making healthy foods at home (learn how if necessary) and not have takeaways. That way it will be easier for her to learn better habits in time.

you can inform her about the food that you all eat. You could chat about the importance of good health, nutrition and vitamins and say you’re trying to improve this as a whole family.

She sounds addicted to fast food and sugar. If she’s in therapy and has joined a gym she’s obviously got some insight into her situation even if she’s not acting on it.

Talk to her. Explain you are worried and certainly make changes around what you buy. Stopping her from buying crap is much more difficult. I agree with stopping food in bedrooms, that’s close to secret bingeing.

Do you eat meals as a family? Is she eating junk food in addition to this, or instead of? As others have said, you can't control what she buys with her own money, but I think you can insist that if you've made a meal then she shouldn't buy a takeaway instead, or eat cakes an hour beforehand. That's just disrespectful regardless of age.

I would also have a "no food in the bedroom" rule. I've never allowed food in bedrooms. And it doesn't matter how old she is and how much money she earns herself, it's your house and those are your rules. Shovelling down a tub of icing in her bedroom is unhealthy in so many ways.

I would not discuss it with her unless she raises it, but buy and cook healthy food 99% of the time yourself. Model what you think she should eat. They often improve by their mid 20s.

@velvet24

Thanks, my ds has always been very athletic and never had a weight issue whereas dd started gaining weight around 8/9. I admit I have given in and bought treats and food but maybe its all my fault , have I ruined her now? I should have been stricter years ago. Just to add, dd is already in therapy for anxiety issues anyway, and she herself just joined the gym, her own idea and got it all sorted, so she wants to do something. I will buy healthier at home and limit the mcd's I offer to buy.

Thanks for not flaming me

I know it's hard but it worries me that you're using language like 'ruined her' and 'failed' as a parent. This level of emotional response to your daughter's body isn't going to make things any better.

No food in bedrooms is a very fair rule, and it's not about weight but about hygiene, so I would start with that (for everyone in the household, obviously).

If she's already having therapy that's great. As PP said, it would be good to talk to her about whether she is unhappy or something is bothering her, not focussing on the eating or the weight. The pots of icing doesn't sound entirely normal - it's the sort of binge eating I did as a teenager when I was going through difficult times.

Open the lines of communication and start talking to her about how she feels, then see where you get to. I always found that it was easier to talk about big stuff on a walk. Could you tempt her to joining you for a walk once a week or so?

I would not normalise fast food and take aways. There are other things you can do than eat that can be seen as a treat get nails done etc...

I remember very well once I had access to my own money going overboard with buying myself whatever I wanted.
I would stock the house with lots of nutritious foods, don't mention weight, and lead by example.

Mine is 14, he has a job. I cannot 'control' his diet whatsoever, he buys whatever he wants. All I can (and do) do, is ensure that the food we provide is healthy and balanced. He'll soon find that he can't afford to live off sweets, chocolate and takeaways when he moves out - both financially and health wise.

To me it sounds like an element of emotional eating. You have not failed her. DS at that age had a thing for eating Nutella out of a jar in his room, it was certainly connected to how he was feeling at the time. He is now a very fit and healthy 21. Give her good food messages, limit the takeaways and see why she is eating in the way she is.

If you ask my 17 year old daughter about this subject you will get a long lecture on the evils of diet culture and the diet industry and the body positive movement. She's pretty passionate about it. I don't always agree with her as I think we need to have health in mind with regard to our weight/bodyfat whereas she thinks this is a diet culture point of view. But 17 year olds have their own views so you have to talk to her as an intelligent young adult and get her opinion and give it some respect, even if you don't agree.

*You could also get her tested for thyroid problems or PCOS.

At 15/16 I started madly craving sugar and putting on weight and it turned out I had undiagnosed PCOS.

Although sounds like she has had weight problems for a while. But who knows, could be worth checking.

PCOS is a possibility as there are other symptoms

She also eats Nutella out of the jar In her room

i have some good ideas here thank you

[quote KurtWilde]@velvet24 no flaming here, navigating the teenage years - especially when they're working and on the verge of being young adults - is HARD!! [/quote]
Thanks, just trying to do the best I can as a parent x

Well, don't do what my mother did, which was bang on about me being overweight from when I was seven or eight (when it was clearly a combination of my genetics and what she was feeding me) and then start banning food and locking cupboards when I was thirteen or so. I just started creeping into the kitchen at night and stealing things, then eating them secretly in my room. I got much fatter, then suddenly realised I was very fat and immediately embarked upon several years of anorexia. I'm now a normal weight but my relationship with food was utterly wrecked by her. I think your daughter will realise shortly that she's got fat, especially if she never used to be, and if she minds, will do something about it. If she doesn't mind, it's up to her.

I lost this battle with mine when they were 11 and started high school, getting there and back by themselves. If they didn't have money, their friends would, and they'd buy sweets and chips, pizza etc on the way home.

One did put on weight, but eventually got fed up with clothes being tight and lost it, she now eats very healthily.

At 17 you really have no control over this, other than buying healthy stuff for the home.

Honestly, I don't think you can.

DS is 17 and spends a lot on takeaways, particularly McDonalds, always has fizzy drinks and sweets/chocolate etc. in his car , in his bedroom etc. and has a part time job he can fund it with.

He does go to the gym, and I think putting weight on might motivate him to improve his diet. For now though he's skinny enough to get away with eating all that crap.

I think all we can really do is encourage healthy eating, model healthy eating ourselves (which to be honest I didn't do a great job with when DS was younger), and provide healthy meals.

Don't. I can't stress enough how much you need to just leave it.

My mum was terrified of me becoming fat so she tried to control my diet my whole life. It became really pronounced when I hit puberty and was much more hungry - she responded by taking me to a slimming club at 12 years old and making me keep a food diary. She attached so much shame to food, making me feel embarrassed and saying, "put that back, you can't possibly be hungry!" if I tried to take a snack from the kitchen between meals.

That was 20 years ago and my relationship with food has never recovered. I started buying piles of secret junk food when I got my own money at 17 and even now I still binge eat in secret and hide the wrappers from my husband. My weight goes up and down (by stones rather than a few pounds) every other year. I've seen two doctors, a psychologist, a counsellor, I've been medicated and I've seriously considered gastric surgery. I have never known peace when it comes to food and weight.

OP, do not touch this with a barge pole. It won't go the way you want it to.

@Besswess88

You can’t control her diet, it will he something she will need to realise for herself.

I would not buy take seats anymore or have “bad” food in the house. Buy berries and strawberries and bananas for everyone to snack on.

This is true. I have no kids but often reflect on what passed for my 'diet' as a teenager (even through university, where I routinely had a bar of chocolate for breakfast, a danish pastry for lunch and something without vegetables at dinnertime) and what I will and will not eat since reaching food sentience in my late 20s.

I don't think you can at almost 17- I have an almost 15 year old that has his own money due to Christmas money, allowance etc he is the opposite and can eat anything without putting weight on but he loves junk and I worry due to health reasons of high salt etc. He loves takeaway curry and savoury stuff more than sugar. I cook from scratch most nights in the week but it doesn't fill him up and so goes and buys huge bags of crisps from the local Sainsburys. Tbf this might be after he has met friends playing football so he is active.

I definitely don't think you are a bad Mum. She will need to want to do it herself but it sounds like she does with joining the gym.

Tell her that eating in secret is not something she needs to do in your house, that she doesn't need to add shame to food "it's just food". Remind her that some foods will make her feel good for a bit then bloody awful. So if she wants to feel good then she should prioritise nutritious, naturally colourful food. Then ask her if the snacks and food you're providing are what she wants to eat after school: does she want to (for example) have yoghurt in the fridge that's just hers?

(btw she sounds sugar/carb addicted)

@amusedbush My mother was very similar. It's amazing how much harm that sort of thing can do, even when done with the best of intentions.

As someone who was a fat teenager with anxiety, this thread made me really sad. I used to hide food in my bedroom because I felt so judged for wanting to eat (anything at all outside of mealtimes - not just junk). You haven't ruined or let down your daughter because she is fat.

Is comfort eating good? No, but it was a lot healthier than the binge drinking and drugs I did instead that helped me get the weight off in the end. Only now am I properly healing my relationship with food in my late 20s after becoming a parent.

My parents never bought me takeaways or junk food. I was tutted at and judged when I bought sweets/chocolate/crisps with my own money. But I had very slim friends who had parents that would buy McDonalds or other takeaways twice a week, had their cupboards stocked each week with snack foods from their weekly food shop, were allowed cereal for breakfast and a whole lot of other things that were "unhealthy" - but these friends had so much more self control and 'neutrality' around chocolate/sweets/etc and would often take some home from sleepovers etc, whereas I would eat them all ASAP as I wouldn't have been allowed them at home. Same with getting a McDonald's etc; even now if I order a takeaway, I have this urge to order EVERYTHING I could possibly want, as who knows when I'd have another one (spoiler: I'm an adult and could order one whenever I like - but I don't).

I'm sorry this isn't advice - just a ramble, I just wanted to ask you to give her a break. Encourage exercise, getting outside and movement, make family meals healthy yet tasty, and support her.

She knows she's overweight, and a well-meaning "chat" about how she could lose a few lbs or stressing the importance of being 'healthy' can feel absolutely crushing when you're already dealing with something mentally (from experience).