Dp bday

[Reallyisthis]

My dp children don’t like me 21 and 26 so for past 9 years I haven’t been invited to his bday meal . Coming up next week and he says going our next week Aibu to assume one day I could go ?

Do you have an inkling about why they dislike you?

To be realistic, if one of them is 26 and has been like this since they were 17, it seems unlikely they’ll change much. I think you probably just need to come to terms with it.

If they’ve been this at fir 9 years, and your DP hasn’t felt it’s something that needs dealing with, then yes, YABU to expect it to change. Sorry.

Presumably you celebrate his birthday with him as well? It’s not like him seeing his kids means you never do nice things together?

The answer is no. You're not invited. Why would you think this would change now, and why would you want to go when you know you're not welcome?

Why don't they like you?

Has your DP ever addressed this or asked them in 9 years? Does he have any respect for you?

They are adults now. So you should be able to discuss this with them.

Do you and DP live together?

We live together, the eldest one admitted don’t like me just because I am dads girlfriend as opposed to anything else . How come alright to dislike parents partner but not child partner ?

I think at this stage they probably see it as their special night together. Have you asked to go?

Have you ever discussed it with him?
Does it bother him that you have no relationship with his children? (It should)
Does he have any idea how to improve things?

I have asked to go and told I am ruining it , but he comes to mine , just had enough now, who lives like this

@Reallyisthis

We live together, the eldest one admitted don’t like me just because I am dads girlfriend as opposed to anything else . How come alright to dislike parents partner but not child partner ?

That sounds like the dislike is more about your DP than you. Pretty classic reaction when a parent moves on, especially if the parent handles the introduction and ongoing relationship poorly.

Maybe they will mature over time and realise it’s their dad, not you, that they should be aiming their ire at, but that seems unlikely. They have much more to lose that way.

Your partner's children are not obligated to like you. Either accept it or end the relationship.

@Aquamarine1029

Your partner's children are not obligated to like you. Either accept it or end the relationship.

Why does it work like that , if you didn’t like daughters partner for example you would still see them at her bday meal ?

How come alright to dislike parents partner but not child partner ?

Because children don’t ask for their parents to split up and they usually don’t really want a step parent. It’s different to welcoming a child’s partner because a child growing up and meeting a partner is the natural order of things. If you have children you accept that they will one day have a partner, and most parents want that for their children. They are two completely different scenarios.

I really don't think you are being unreasonable.
Who pays for this birthday meal and is it always on his birthday?

Tbh I do think YABU - he's their dad first and foremost, he'll always be their dad. You are his partner now (and for the past 9 years!) but his DC should be able to see their dad on their own without his partner for his birthday if they so wish.

I'm saying this as someone who has been in this situation, I don't like my dads partner (of approx 5 years) neither do my siblings. We still want to see our dad for special occasions, without his partner. We probably won't ever get along with her (for many reasons that I won't go into here!) and it would ruin occasions to have her involved.

He realises that although he loves her, we're under no obligation to, and don't! He's said it before that his relationship with us is separate to his relationship with her, and I think honestly that's the way your DP might see things.

When do they go out for the birthday meal? On the evening of his birthday/nearest weekend evening, I can see why you're not happy, any other time, just think of it as him going for a meal with his dc.
They sound a bit immature for their ages, but if dh has never seen the problem or addressed it in any way, there's nothing you can do.

@LethargicActress

How come alright to dislike parents partner but not child partner ?

Because children don’t ask for their parents to split up and they usually don’t really want a step parent. It’s different to welcoming a child’s partner because a child growing up and meeting a partner is the natural order of things. If you have children you accept that they will one day have a partner, and most parents want that for their children. They are two completely different scenarios.

This 100%

They are not comparable scenarios OP and regardless if they are adults or not, if they don’t like you, they don’t like you and are perfectly entitled to want to spend time with their parent on their own

Surely it was up to your p to nip this on the bud much sooner. They don't have to like you but to exclude you seems unnecessary. Do you ever mix? They can choose to celebrate with him alone but I would hope he also does with you.

How come alright to dislike parents partner but not child partner ?

but he comes to mine

You’re doing a lot of ‘tit for tat’ thinking when the scenarios aren’t comparable.

YANBU to feel upset that their and their dad’s relationship isn’t better and to wish things were different. YABU to be so petulant about it.

Why not suggest some times where you can all be together at another, separate, time to his birthday? Start rebuilding your relationship with them. Your DP needs to be encouraging this too though.

They don't have to like you. They obviously have their reasons whether it's warranted or not I don't know. But strange that he would allow his live in partner to be excluded from his birthday by his adult children. I don't think it's their place to be organising his birthday while he has a partner who he lives with. He needs to speak up and say that you are to be included. But if he's happy with the arrangement then you have a problem.

Do you do something the two of you for his birthday? Ever?

It's one thing for him to go our with his kids around his birthday, but it's another if it's always on the actual day. He could always go out with them another day that week. Work on that for next year.

If either of them starts bringing a partner, that would perhaps be the point to kick up a fuss, as it would then no longer be "just their family".

After 9 years together, and at those ages, I'd expect the 'kids' to have matured a bit and started to accept you, unless there's some big back story about you being the OW who split up the marriage.

I'd have though that as a co-habiting couple, together 9 years, it would be nice if you went out for a meal as a couple on his birthday, or did something else together. Do his kids never come to yours at Christmas or other events?

I see this from both sides but am in the YANBU camp

My mothers new husband is an absolute twat, has said really nasty things about my DH but for her sake a few times a year myself and DH plaster on a smile and do family meals and trips together for her sake.

This then means she doesn't push for more.

YANBU to feel hurt or annoyed about this situation, if it was the kids birthday meals I'd get it but your DH should really be in control of who is invited for his own birthday.

And he has decided to exclude you. Most likely as the kids might not attend with you there.

The issue is there is no way around this, they don't like you, it's unlikely this will change

You either need to find a way to get over it, or leave the relationship

You really can't force them to like you. At their age especially now, they are adults.
Why would you even want to go when all it would do is create an atmosphere? I can't even imagine it would be a pleasant night for you.

I guess I just feel I have done nothing wrong but it’s hard being excluded .