When would you broach the subject of marriage?

[Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely]

Bf is late 20s, I'm 3 years older in early 30s.
Will be 2 years together in the spring, currently tent together and saving up to purchase a property together hopefully, we've lived together for over a year now.
I do want to get married at some point. I'm aware he's 3 years younger, he's said he would like to get married too (in general).
But we've only mentioned it in passing.. what do you think would be a reasonable timescale for us to look at marriage?
Obviously it's not something that should be rushed into, nor do I want to spend several years with somebody that has zero intention of marrying me (seen some threads on here where women have had to go through this)

I wouldn’t buy a house together unless you’re engaged and have set a date. There are too many threads on here from women who have been strung along with the promise of marriage and it’s never happened. Much easier to walk away away if you don’t own a property together. Start looking to buy somewhere on your own and that may prompt a conversation.

I wouldn't feel a need to be married before I bought a house with someone but I would want to make sure that we were on the same page about the future. If he doesn't want to get married is that a deal breaker for you?

I do wonder how many people don't want to get married full stop rather than just don't want to marry that particular person, I imagine it's fewer. I think it would be a deal breaker sadly

I have a friend who divorced after 2 years of marriage as her husband had an affair, she's been with a new partner now for a few years and I know she's incredibly happy with him but says she isn't that bothered about remarrying, so maybe I am wrong

I think men and women think of it differently. I think women think of marriage when they love someone and men think of marrying whatever woman they are with when they feel ready to marry

I had a tantrum at 28 after four years of dating along the lines of ‘I don’t mind being single at 30 but I am going to be remarkably pissed off it you string me along until I’m 35!’. It wasn’t quite an ultimatum but it would have become one. DH admits it gave him a bit of a surprise but he could understand my maths…thought about it and we were engaged six months later. Perhaps a calm conversation would have been better but at least I got it all into the open. I would recommend you do the same long before you buy a house.

In his late twenties and none of his friends married - I wouldn’t necessarily think “he’d have asked by now if he wanted to”.

I do think this should come up naturally when buying a house - you have lots to discuss.

Are we buying as tenants in common? How much are we each contributing to the deposit and the ongoing payments? Are we ringfencing bits of deposit each? How would the legal agreements change if we got married further down the line? Might undo some agreements you made.

How long are we planning to be in this house? How many bedrooms? Who might we be filling the house with? What’s important in terms of location in the longer term?

What would we do if one of us was sick/lost job/died? Have we got the right insurance and legal stuff in place? How would finances work if you had maternity leave/went part time? Could you still afford the payments?

All seem very important. Buying a house together is a big commitment, if you can’t talk about the above, think hard about whether you should buy. And if marriage is important it’s clearly relevant to these discussions and you should bring it up.

Have a chat ASAP.

If he comes out with the “I’ll propose when the time is right” nonsense, you know that this one isn’t that into you, you can separate amicably and find someone who feels that it would be a privilege to be your husband and has no wish to make excuses.

If he agrees that he would like to marry, then you can start planning and budgeting accordingly.

Either way, you’ll have some control over your future.

Just ask him

@Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely

Thanks that's good advice .. I bet I'll get very mixed replies here though. Is it reasonable to know if you want to marry somebody after 2 years?

We knew after two months! And we were both divorcees in our 40s so not naive innocents. I think it’s important to make it clear that’s what you want and expect before you buy a house.

We talked about it really early on, in a casual way. Basically we were both pretty open from the start that we wanted to get married to the right person so it was easy.

He proposed after a year though we have ended up with quite a long engagement (thanks for that covid).

If you can't have an honest chat with him about it, then he probably isn't the right person anyway.

We rented together after a year, got engaged the following year and married 11 months later. Been married 12 years this year, together for 14 and a half years so far. But I had laid my cards out very early on that if he wasn't looking for a long term serious thing then he should walk away so we both went into the actual relationship knowing what was expected barring any serious falling out.

Just have the conversation, DP before we commit to this house buying what are you seeing for our relationship? Then take it from there depending on what he says. Wishy-washy non-commital answers can't be acceptable if you want to discuss things seriously.

Maybe run it by him . If you are thinking about buying a house together then it would be a logical step to discuss marriage as well .In his late 20s he may feel hes got time on his side .Thing is time goes by quickly!

Great advice on this thread! If marriage is important to you, defo discuss it before buying a house and sharing a mortgage!

My sister is 35 and has been with her partner for 10 years now. Neither of them believe in marriage and they’ve bought a house and have a kid and it works for them.

I’m the opposite and wanted marriage. It’s something I made really clear as soon as we met- marriage and kids or I’d find someone else.

People have different priorities and beliefs but it sounds like he’s not against marriage. I don’t think he necessarily would’ve asked you by now if he wanted marriage. He might be wondering what page you’re on too! You should be able to have a serious conversation about it without scaring him off if he’s the right one 😊

Have the marriage conversation before having children & buying a house, it'll save a lot of heartache. Some women have the baby, buy the flat & 10 yrs go buy and still not married. It often turns out that the guy doesn't want the committment of marriage but is happy enough to be biologically committed for life via kids. Doesn't make sense, to me being committed to having a baby does mean you're ready for marriage.

It is illogical to be considering buying a house this stage if being married is important to you. You should know how the other feels and be able to openly discuss this, marriage should not be a surprise or a taboo subject between people who genuinely wish to be together.

If you need to be firm, have boundaries, be brave etc,then the relationship isn’t at marriage stage, I’m sorry.

I think you just ‘know’ sometimes that a future (including marriage) lies ahead for you both.

I moved in with my boyfriend at the time after just 5 months of knowing him and I knew inside me that we were heading in the same direction. We didn’t have to have “the talk”’about marriage because we both knew it was going to happen at some point in our future.

If after two years you still don’t know if you’re on the same page, especially at the ages you are, then I would be questioning whether you both see the same future ahead of you.

@Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely

He only has one friend that I know of who's married (though he's in his 40s), and one who owns a house with his girlfriend but otherwise none are really committed and that's something that concerns me a little I guess. He doesn't want to be the only one, also works in a very 'young' workplace with a lot of students etc

If he’s really that concerned with copying his peer group, that sounds incredibly juvenile to me.