When would you broach the subject of marriage?

[Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely]

Bf is late 20s, I'm 3 years older in early 30s.
Will be 2 years together in the spring, currently tent together and saving up to purchase a property together hopefully, we've lived together for over a year now.
I do want to get married at some point. I'm aware he's 3 years younger, he's said he would like to get married too (in general).
But we've only mentioned it in passing.. what do you think would be a reasonable timescale for us to look at marriage?
Obviously it's not something that should be rushed into, nor do I want to spend several years with somebody that has zero intention of marrying me (seen some threads on here where women have had to go through this)

I don’t think you should have any particular expectations - you haven’t been together for very long and your whole relationship has been the pandemic. But you should have a conversation about where the relationship is going and where you see yourselves in 5, 10, 50 etc years. Presumably if you are planning to buy a property together there is some desire for commitment on his side. But maybe buy as tenants in common to be on the safe side.

If I were you I wouldnt even buy a house yet. Give yourselves a year to work all this out. Imagine buying a house and then having to split soon after

If getting married is important to you then 2 yrs in and living together is definitely not to soon to discuss it.

And don’t buy a house together until you are married- take that off the table.

If marriage is not that important to you- crack on with house buying, and marriage might or might not happen.

Either is fine, as long as your actions and words match.

And if he wants to marry you he will. If not- then the sooner you find out the better.

If you want to buy property or marry him then you need to be able to have these open conversations with him. Conversations like the future, money, children, marriage etc. If you don’t feel comfortable those subjects broaching it with him then that could suggest aren’t ready for the big commitments. Some people get married and a year in realise one of them doesn’t want kids, or buy a home together and it comes to light one wants to get married and one doesn’t. That’s why it’s so important to lay it all out on the table beforehand.

Fwiw DP and I (mid 20s) have been together for 6 years, own a house together but aren’t married. Why not? DP doesn’t feel like a proper adult until he finishes his career training as still technically a student which I think is fair enough. Different if yours has been working for 5-10 years already. But tbf average age at marriage for a man is 30s so he wouldn’t be alone in wanting to wait a few more years.

I think you need to have the discussion. You’re early 30s and if you want to get married before having children then you need to crack on. Especially if you see yourself having more than one.

I used to hate people saying this sort of thing and used to think “there’s plenty of time” but really not understanding the fertility nose dives at 37. I know lots of people who conceived their first around 32-35 and struggled to conceive number 2 with miscarriages very common.

I’ve also known so many women find out their partners are not ready to settle down in the earlier 30s and not been able to meet anyone else, by now (approaching 40) if they do, fertility problems will be likely.

I’m sorry for being a neg but life’s too short.

I think 2 years in you should both be discussing your future together. You're buying a house together, that is a big comment itself! So surely you two should be talking about marriage together (not in a general sense), as well as children and everything else.

So many guys are wishy washy about these things, so if marriage is important to you then you need to make sure you're having these serious conversations. And before buying a house! Preferably marry before buying a house if it is so important to you? Do you really want to buy a house with someone if you're not sure if he wants to marry you when it would be a dealbreaker if he doesn't?

Thanks everyone, there's certainly a majority opinion

Big commitment, not comment

I'm pretty sure around 2 years is the average. And you know you want to marry him, so it's clearly long enough for you!

You live together, you are have already agreed on a long term commitment (house). It's definitely time to have the conversation, and as you don't want to be strung along you really need to have the conversation before you have a big expensive shared asset to deal with if the conversation doesn't go the way you hoped. (It's fairer to him to have the conversation first too!)

He only has one friend that I know of who's married (though he's in his 40s), and one who owns a house with his girlfriend but otherwise none are really committed and that's something that concerns me a little I guess. He doesn't want to be the only one, also works in a very 'young' workplace with a lot of students etc

Honestly do you think if he wanted to marry me, he'd have asked me by now ?

I think in your shoes I’d say to him that you want to discuss your future together before you look for houses to buy. I wouldn’t be looking for a specific date for a wedding but I’d maybe tell him that you want to make sure you’re on the same page before you commit financially to him for the next 25 years. Explain you want marriage in the next 2 years and a child in the next 3 and you can’t push that timeline back because of women’s fertility timeline.

Then just see what he says and maybe give him a few days to think about it as he might not have thought about it in so much detail, more just thinking he wants these things at some point.

Good luck OP, hope the conversation goes the way you want it to. I would wait to be engaged before buying a house together, for security’s sake.

Why are you asking total strangers? This is a conversation to have with him.

If you two can't get down to the nitty gritty after living together a year, if you are holding back your real thoughts and needs from him, that strongly suggests to me that neither of you are ready for lifetime commitment, and he isn't The One anyway.

No, I don't think he would necessarily have asked you by now if he wanted to get married. But I do think that now is a great time to initiate the chat.

@Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely

Honestly do you think if he wanted to marry me, he'd have asked me by now ?

If you really really want to marry HIM, why haven't you proposed ?

That you haven't, is probably the same reason he hasn't.

I'd say. "I'd like a chat about our future. No ultimatums or anything. But I'd like to know If we're on the same page, be completely honest"

Sorry but why does he care what students at his workplace would think about his marriage? That is really bizarre. They wouldn't give a shit!

@Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely

The thing is none of his friends are married or engaged, not even his older sister who's been with her partner years I worry that he sees himself as too young in his late 20s

My DH was your DPs age and I was 35!!! So can relate....

I just bit the bullet and we talked openly. Some of it was a bit intense but it means we are now totally on the same page.

We dated for a year and lived together for a year before buying a house. When we started looking at houses I was clear on what I would like as a timescale. We discussed both proposal timings (roughly) and length of engagement we agreed 12 -18 months MAX (ended up married in 9!)

We also discussed approach to children (when and how many) I wasn't sure I wanted them at all but was prob open to 1, he wanted 2 ideally but wasn't wedded to it and wasn't sure how soon he wanted them. I explained due to age if he was keen he'd need to decide maybe a bit earlier than he'd like because him dragging his feet had implications for me due to my age. Etc.

All very open and easy. No crying or tantrums or harsh words. Just making a rough plan.

We also discussed what we would do if there were fertility issues... both aligned it wasn't a deal breaker and we could be happy childfree if it didn't happen. Also that while I would consider fertility treatment ivf was a no for me.

We are very happy and totally aligned on direction of travel. We have the same vision for our future future there have been no bad surprises - I really recommend it.

I used to hate people saying this sort of thing and used to think “there’s plenty of time” but really not understanding the fertility nose dives at 37.

Fertility doesn't wane in the late 30s that information was from 1700s when people died around that time so it figures that there were minimal births from women past that age. It has only taken a few hundred years for women's fertility to be important enough to look at again and it shows there is minimal impact with age.

Life is short, no one is promised tomorrow.
This year I turn 60, been on my own too long, not choice, tho don’t settle.
If saving for a house why not marriage, I hate dithering men too, the ones that don’t want marriage, then marry someone else quickly.
Be firm and decisive

I'll have to be firm and have clear boundaries

OP no need to go into the conversation in an aggressive way, you only need to start being firm if he’s not very clear about what he wants.

I agree there are a few little red flags here OP. His friendship group lack of commitment (my ex had the same)
I think you're right that if he wanted to he would have by now BUT all that shows is he isnt thinking about it yet. Have a conversation, make a timeline and if it doesnt happen then, time for a rethink. Also dont fall for the 'I want to save/ do it in my own time/do it at the right time/fancy proposal stuff.
If you talk to him about it and he doesnt want to, consider that as a you proposing to him moment and he has said no. I wish I had connected that in my brain earlier

@Lifeisverylongwhenyourelonely

Honestly do you think if he wanted to marry me, he'd have asked me by now ?

No, not necessarily.

It’s more about the narrative and timeline than the proposal. 2 years isn’t that long.

My DH and I had days we wanted marriage and children very early on, but obviously had to make sure the relationship would work. 3 years in housing market crashed and DH said would I rather get married or buy a flat.

I says flat as the opportunity was too good to pass up.

After a year in our flat we started saying we thought we were ready for kids and I said I wouldn’t have a child without being married so he said ‘fine, I’ll get saving’ and a few months later he bought a ring.

We were engaged after 5 years, married the year after, child the year after that.

At all points we were on the same page. That’s the important thing.