Inviting DS's friends on holiday

[happyclapper]

My 15 yr old DS wants to invite 3 friends on our summer holiday. It will be our first holiday abroad since his father and I separated 3 yrs ago and I really want to make it a success but I really can't afford to pay for his friends. AIBU to ask his friends parents to pay? This may just be for their flights if we get an Aibnb plus spending money.
I feel awkward asking them but I really don't think he will come away with us if it is just me and my DP.

@surreygirl1987

If you ARE going to ask other parents to pay, make sure you discuss with the parents first. Actually, you should do this anyway I think. The parents might not be comfortable with it, and if the child knew they'd said no, it could cause arguments between them. I remember being invited on holiday with a schoolfriend and my parents said no (couldn't afford it, and not fair on my brothers) and I was really upset. Another girl went in my place. It would have better for me not to know it was an opportunity at all.

The thing is you don't tend to know the parents of teenage friends well and I'm not sure if trust a disgruntled 15 year old not to tell their friend anyway when he doesn't get his choice of companion

I wouldn't have had a choice at 15 to be fair but my parents were together so I didn't have anywhere else I could stay for 10 days.

Tbh if he's going to be a stroppy teenager then you'd be better off leaving him at home and actually enjoying your holiday, rather than forking out for him to just be ungrateful. I get that it seems sad that family holidays are a thing of the past, but that doesn't mean that in a few years things won't change and he'll be more mature and maybe happy to join you on holiday again, perhaps even with a partner.

I don't understand why he gets to be indulged? If he doesn't want to go can you leave him with his dad? I wouldn't give permission for my son to go abroad with another family and if I had to pay I'd rather he went on a family holiday. I don't really like the idea of taking along another child just to keep yours amused.

I think that the time has come to accept that things have moved on. Leave him in the care of his dad or his brother. I appreciate that it feels sad, especially if you didn’t get away in 2020 or 2021 due to the pandemic, but ten days with a grim-faced 15 year old is unappealing, as is ten days being responsible for one or two other teens who may or may not be compliant. If I were your DP I would want my hard-earned annual leave spent in either scenario tbh.

It’ll turn around. My mate and her husband have booked Cyprus in May and their 21 year old son is going too. I distinctly remember him refusing to go to Portugal with them about six years ago.

To answer your original post I would only take one friend and I would pay for them.

When I was 15 I was taken away by a friends family and they split the cost of everything including a quarter of the car hire, CFs
My mum still talks about that now !

To weigh in on your more recent posts, I'm sorry but I do agree that from what you've said he is coming across as a little indulged. Refusing to go if he can't take friends (plural)

I've been in your situation several times and the parents have always paid for flights and pocket money

NYnewstart Exactly. I don't think some posters have experienced the delights of a moody teenager and their ability to ruin any situation that doesn't suit them. Personally I'm not into that sort of torture so I would rather find a holiday that's suits everybody.

We just booked a holiday and invited one of DD's friends to come along for one week.

Included is accommodation with breakfasts and dinner plus some snacks, travel there & back by car and 2 day trips with activities.

The important thing is to be absolutely clear what's included and give a realistic budget for spending that roughly matches your own. We've done this in the past and it worked out great.

If I was in your shoes, I’ll invite just one friend and I’ll pay for their flight. Their parents will need to give them spending money and that’s it. Their child is doing me a favour as they are there to sort of entertain mine, this might be time they should have spent with their own family doing things and I wouldn’t dream of asking them to pay.

@happyclapper

NYnewstart Exactly. I don't think some posters have experienced the delights of a moody teenager and their ability to ruin any situation that doesn't suit them. Personally I'm not into that sort of torture so I would rather find a holiday that's suits everybody.

Then pay for the friend

It's unreasonable to expect other parents to pay for their kid to entertain yours

I think your best bet is to not give him any indication you want him to be there, but just to say, you are offering to take him on a holiday abroad, and, if he wants to he can bring one friend as long as friend pays for flight and spending money. That you want to book it so he needs to decide by end of the month {or whatever date you want to book it by}. Ultimately, you are offering him a holiday. If he doesn't want to be there, then he will only make it miserable for the two of you.

My dd is going abroad with her friend and her family this year. They suggested only spending money but I insisted on contributing. YANBU to ask them to pay.

The whole "who pays for the friend" is debated on here regularly. Some people will never try to understand the other side.
There was a thread fairly recently I'm sure you could find with a search.

People obviously mix in different circles and too many people on MN refuse to try to grasp there might be a different way of doing things, or a reason for them being done differently.

The important thing is to be clear up front what the offer is, and then the friend (or his family) can choose to accept or turn down the offer.

I think if you are high earners and can afford to pay for a friend then great but if not, it’s reasonable to have a discussion with the friends parents about paying for travel and some spending money.

I remember going on a Uk holiday with a friends family when I was 16 and her mum came round for a chat with mine and asked for £50 to cover food. They were driving anyway and my friends room was a twin so it cost them very little extra. We had some lovely meals out and breakfasts in the holiday cottage. My mum thought it was entirely reasonable and was trying to give them more 🤦‍♀️

@happyclapper I think it’s lovely that you are trying to consider your son’s feelings but I agree with others that he is being unreasonable. I feel your pain as I have a 15yo ds also and I can imagine him being like this. He all but ruined our expensive holiday last year by sulking. I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever we had planned it wouldn’t be right. I think the compromise of one friend is fine - I would call his bluff and say fine, don’t come then. Whatever you do don’t make it seem like he is doing you a favour by agreeing to come. I also think that you probably have to pay the full amount I’m afraid, I wouldn’t ask another family to pay.

I went on holiday with a friend once and they paid. However, when we got back the dad presented my parents with an itemised bill of every theme park, boat trip, restaurant meal, ice cream they had paid for and expected my parents to cough up. This was not mentioned beforehand. It caused a lot of bad feeling.

Personally, I agree with those who said to take only 1 friend. Your DS + 2 friends will make for an odd dynamic. Ten days is a relatively long time and you don't want them falling out.

Thanks Lostfrog. I think you are right and I will stick to my guns of one friend only and take it from there.

@ForeverSingle881

What teenager gets to decide he's not coming on the family holiday? That's quite the strop he's throwing and it's not ok. He's taking the piss.

Exactly!