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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inviting DS's friends on holiday

69 replies

happyclapper · 23/01/2022 17:10

My 15 yr old DS wants to invite 3 friends on our summer holiday. It will be our first holiday abroad since his father and I separated 3 yrs ago and I really want to make it a success but I really can't afford to pay for his friends. AIBU to ask his friends parents to pay? This may just be for their flights if we get an Aibnb plus spending money.
I feel awkward asking them but I really don't think he will come away with us if it is just me and my DP.

OP posts:

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 23/01/2022 18:20

1 friend. But I’d pay if I could afford it.

Monr0e · 23/01/2022 18:37

Definitely only 1 friend

3's a crowd and you don't want any fall out on holiday and one feeling left out and homesick

As for money, I'd be more than happy to offer to pay if my dc was invited, they are getting a holiday they wouldn't otherwise be having afterall! Do you know the parents of the friends he is thinking about asking?
I'd decide first on the actual holiday so you can know the costs up front and work out how much exactly you would be wanting them to contribute even if its just their travel costs and spending money.

How long have you been with your dp? Is he the reason he doesn't want to go on his own with you?

kweeble · 23/01/2022 18:38

I would offer to take one friend at a maximum as you can’t be responsible for a group of teenagers that age abroad.
I’d expect the friend to pay for their flight (it shows commitment) and accept it will cost you more for food and activities when you’re there.
They probably won’t want to hang out with you so are you sure you’ll still enjoy the trip?

violetbunny · 23/01/2022 19:00

Just make sure you're up front about what the costs will be when you invite the friend! Some people might assume that an invitation = you are paying!

Original poster

happyclapper · 23/01/2022 19:38

All good points but as I agree with all of them I'm no less confused.
I have been on a couple of holidays with my DP which have been lovely but have been saddened by my DS not being there too.
I have been through the whole teenage thing of them not having any interest spending time with me as I also have an 18yr old DS who stopped coming on holiday a couple of years ago.
I would just really love DS2 to join us even if he doesn't hang out with us much.
He's now saying he won't come if he can only bring 1 friend which, I agree with you all, is the limit he can bring.
It looks like there's no compromise so it will be yet another thing that has come to an end. It actually reduces me to tears when I am away, though it gets less each time, and I can't wait to get back.
We've only been away for a week so far and my DP now wants to go for 2 weeks which he deserves as he works very hard but I don't think I could manage that long. We've settled on 10 days but I will even find that hard I think.

OP posts:

LittleGwyneth · 23/01/2022 19:40

When I was a kid / teenager it was always standard that you pay for your own flight but that the family inviting you pay for the villa / Airbnb. You provide three meals a day and some beers, they need all their spending money.

ForeverSingle881 · 23/01/2022 19:43

What teenager gets to decide he's not coming on the family holiday? That's quite the strop he's throwing and it's not ok. He's taking the piss.

2022success · 23/01/2022 19:48

Would DS go away with you if it was just the two of you?

I took my teenage DC away with just me a lot after splitting with XH. Both together and one DC at a time. It was great, but I am not sure many teens would want to go away with their mum and a relatively new DP (you say you only split from DS father three years ago)

Cryalot2 · 23/01/2022 19:50

I am very sorry op that your son is behaving this way.
To get a holiday is wonderful and to be allowed 1 friend is more than enough.
He really needs to realise how privileged he is and how unreasonable he is..
Can his father speak to him and point this out?

I hope that you can get your holiday. If not I am afraid here his privileges would disappear for a period .

Original poster

happyclapper · 23/01/2022 19:53

We have gone away for city breaks for 3 nights which have been great as I have linked them in with his interests but I am running out of ideas now and as I said, I really miss him not being around on proper holidays. He has lived with me and my DP for 50% of the time for 2 years now so I don't think that's the problem.

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 23/01/2022 19:56

Definitely 1 friend only. But if it were me, I think I'd offer to pay as the child would be our guest. (Although if my child were invited on a holiday with another family I'd insist on paying for him... if we let him go).

Winniemarysarah · 23/01/2022 19:57

What on earth do you mean by ‘he won’t come’? Why does he think he gets to make that decision? At this point I’d be worrying less about forking out hundreds/thousands of pounds to take all his mates on an exotic holiday, and more about the fact that you’re raising a spoilt, entitled brat who’s somehow managing to dictate what you can and can’t do.

surreygirl1987 · 23/01/2022 20:14

Yes I agree - his attitude is really sad.

Original poster

happyclapper · 23/01/2022 20:15

Thanks for your input Winniemarysarah. It's hardly an 'exoctic' holiday and my DS in not a ' spoilt, entitled brat', but I'm sure you have managed to ascertain all of my families dynamics from my posts so I will take your informed opinions into account.

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 23/01/2022 20:18

@happyclapper, to be fair to that poster, you did say that he has said that he won't come if he can only bring 1 friend!! I'm not surprised if someone people (including myself to be honest) think that that is quite entitled. We can only go on what you have said of course...

Notimeforaname · 23/01/2022 20:20

I do think your son is acting somewhat spoilt.

He is 15 and telling you, his parent, where he will and will not go, based on how many of his demands you give into.

It's not great. I would be addressing that.

You will/can ultimately decide for him whether he goes or not and who with..

NYnewstart · 23/01/2022 20:22

You aren’t forcing them to pay for flights and spends.

You offer and they decide whether they want to accept or not. Perfectly reasonable.

I agree only one friend.

It would pushing the reasonable bit, to ask for a share of the accommodation though - which obviously you aren’t.

NYnewstart · 23/01/2022 20:25

@Notimeforaname

I do think your son is acting somewhat spoilt.

He is 15 and telling you, his parent, where he will and will not go, based on how many of his demands you give into.

It's not great. I would be addressing that.

You will/can ultimately decide for him whether he goes or not and who with..

We took our 15 year old. He liked the idea of where we went too.

The reality was at that age, although he enjoyed some parts, much of it was spoilt for us, by his constant whinging and moaning about being bored.

15 is a strange age.

2holibobssofar · 23/01/2022 20:25

Consider who will stay behind and pay the costs if one of the friends catches Covid while you’re away and cavy travel home (if overseas and tests are required).

liveforsummer · 23/01/2022 20:32

@NYnewstart

You aren’t forcing them to pay for flights and spends.

You offer and they decide whether they want to accept or not. Perfectly reasonable.

I agree only one friend.

It would pushing the reasonable bit, to ask for a share of the accommodation though - which obviously you aren’t.

It could be really difficult for the parent though. Personally I'd have to say no. I'd have to forego any family holiday for myself and dd2 to allow dd2 to go on such a trip which would be totally unfair but would probably leave dd devastated if she'd been offered and got excited about the prospect

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 20:33

YABU

You don't invite someone on a trip and then ask them to pay

Especially if they're being used to entertain your son essentially

surreygirl1987 · 23/01/2022 20:34

If you ARE going to ask other parents to pay, make sure you discuss with the parents first. Actually, you should do this anyway I think. The parents might not be comfortable with it, and if the child knew they'd said no, it could cause arguments between them. I remember being invited on holiday with a schoolfriend and my parents said no (couldn't afford it, and not fair on my brothers) and I was really upset. Another girl went in my place. It would have better for me not to know it was an opportunity at all.

liveforsummer · 23/01/2022 20:34

Sorry was meant to say to allow Dd1 to go on the trip

surreygirl1987 · 23/01/2022 20:35

@liveforsummer - totally agree

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 20:36

We took ds 15 and 1 friend abroad.. Sent them back after the first week.
Never ever again.

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