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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if anyone else married into wealth?

32 replies

Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 12:07

Before I met DH, I had a difficult time financially - my job wasn’t actually all that badly paid but I lived in an extremely expensive area and so the only housing I could afford was very basic accommodation. I also got into debt so it wasn’t unusual for me to run out of money by week 2 of the month. My flat was really damp and cold and horribly furnished.

Now things are really different and it’s hard for me not to feel indebted or grateful for this … he has never made me feel like this, it’s my hang up. Anyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 16:34

Only me then!

OP posts:
CampervanQueen · 23/01/2022 16:44

I did, but inadvertently and 'wealth' might be stretching it.

I come from a very WC background. There is very little money, and I am fully expecting what there is to be spent on care as my parents age.

I was fine with money before I met my DH. Earning well and saving slowly, but renting in a high cost area ate into what I earnt.

My DH's family are comfortable but not rich, or so we thought... turns out my FIL made some very lucky investments back in the 70s and 80s which have returned a lot of dividends. However, we anticipate that, again, some if not most it will likely go on care bills, which is fine. We have no expectations about inheritance.

I don't feel indebted or grateful, but it has taken me a long time to feel comfortable with being (financially) comfortable.

EssexLioness · 23/01/2022 17:05

I’m not sure what you consider to be wealth as it can be rather subjective. However, I consider myself to be in this position. Came from a very poor background and DH earns well into 6 figures, whilst i still earn pittance. I had the same hang ups for many years though now nearly 20 years on most of that has gone now. I still do have the odd moment but found a lot of it was to do with my own lack of self esteem. Counselling helped that and my DH has always been kind and loving and challenged my negative thoughts.

Stoop · 23/01/2022 17:09

My DH did.

He’s managing just fine. He’s never, ever cared about money and isn’t at all flash so it hasn’t changed him.

Alarae · 23/01/2022 17:14

Not rich but my FIL is quite comfortable. He was able to lend us 55k for a house deposit and not even care about when he would get it back- if we didn't pay it all he figured it would just come off my DH's inheritance. We will actually be paying this back in full next year when we remortgage (it's lower due to other repayments).

He has a very good final salary pension which will probably cover moderate care costs without really affecting his capital.

While I appreciate it's not a given, and if he needed specialist care it could all go, however my DH and his siblings will probably inherit around 300k each, which I think is a ridiculous amount.

I doubt I'll have a substantial inheritance, if any, from either of my parents. I would rather they blow it all on making their retirement comfortable than worry about leaving something behind for me and my sisters.

Original poster
Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 17:15

To be fair I probably have white low ideas of what constitutes wealth. DH isn’t on a six (or even five) figure salary! But nearly £80,000 which is a LOT as far as I am concerned!

OP posts:
Envoitrevisage · 23/01/2022 17:28

Errr you do get that 80,000 is a five figure salary, right?

Original poster
Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 17:35

I do now … Grin being a bit slow sorry. I was thinking 80,00 which would be 8000 - stupid!

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 18:08

I avoid wealthy men for this reason.

But I assume you didn’t get with him for his money and he is kind to you in other ways?
Our partners are meant to make us better and you could have brought more to his life than money could ever buy.

JigglyPiggly · 23/01/2022 18:12

No, no one else on the planet has married into wrath before

Just you Biscuit

thepeopleversuswork · 23/01/2022 18:16

No and I know what you mean OP. Every long term partner I have had bar one, and including my husband, earned less than me and had no assets. Not sure if that's subconsciously deliberate.

TBH I would find being with someone significantly wealthier than me really difficult. I would always feel somehow beholden or that they were dominant in the relationship or got to call the shots.

My single biggest fear in life is having to rely on a man for money. Even with my own money etc I'd always find it a bit disempowering if someone could financially pull rank on me.

hariborabbit · 23/01/2022 18:19

I don't think 80k is that incredibly wealthy, if that helps 🤷‍♀️ Obviously it's a very very good salary - but it's not that unusual, depending where you live.

I have a friend who married a guy who's from the aristocracy. They own a 1.5million house with no mortgage and his family wealth pays the private school fees for their kids. Imagine how you'd feel in her shoes!

trailcat · 23/01/2022 18:20

I went from being a single mum in a council flat on benefits to marrying DH whose salary is in the mid six figures. House hunting for a £2m+ property (which isn't a grand mansion or anything, just a family house in zone 2 in a top school catchment).

Been married for 9 years and we're very comfortable together. I don't feel indebted or excessively grateful, we treat all household income as our joint income and don't keep tabs on who has spent what. We're just a normal couple really, life is pretty good, money is never an issue although neither of us are extravagant. It helps that I've made some shrewd investment decisions so although I still have a low wage, my income matches his through passive investments.

Original poster
Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 18:28

It is to me @hariborabbit. I did acknowledge it isn’t the aristocracy but my life now is very different.

@JigglyPiggly you’ve interpreted it as a literal yes / no question which it wasn’t, more of the opener to a chat.

OP posts:
SherlocksDeerstalker · 23/01/2022 18:29

I didn’t marry into it, but it came into my family another way. I lived in a caravan as a baby, my mum had a budget for everything and some months had to choose between which bill would get paid and which would come through as red the following month. These days I live in an almost million pound house in the Home Counties and have a trust fund that will leave me and my kids with upwards of £7mil. It’s weird, for sure, but it’s been a very gradual increase of circumstances. I still shop for yellow labels in the supermarket. It’s reflex!

JigglyPiggly · 23/01/2022 18:29

@Augustorseptember

It is to me *@hariborabbit*. I did acknowledge it isn’t the aristocracy but my life now is very different.

@JigglyPiggly you’ve interpreted it as a literal yes / no question which it wasn’t, more of the opener to a chat.

Then post this on chat

Not clog up AIBU with a chit chat request

Original poster
Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 18:30

Had a bad day? Grin

It would seem I’m poor compared to many of you anyway!

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 23/01/2022 18:35

Not wealth as such, but a comfortable life. I was in a bad place emotionally and financially when I got together with dh. We didn't have much when I was a kid either. He got me a cheap little car which meant I secured a decent job, and I moved in with him not long after. We got married 2 years later. He works hard, and I used to have a very hard, demanding, but well paid job before I had our dc. We aren't rich by any means but we don't want for anything. I often feel quite emotional when I think how lucky I am and how different things might have been.

Original poster
Augustorseptember · 23/01/2022 18:38

Sounds similar to me @TheVolturi

Your DH sounds like a good egg.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 23/01/2022 18:41

I nearly did! And realised he was a frog.
Then met dh who didn't have a p to p in but I had a house and a six figure income.

That was 30 years ago. DH has done OK. I helped him greatly Grin

Echobelly · 23/01/2022 18:42

My mum did in relative terms - she was a penniless refugee (literally living off £7 a week from a charity in the late 60s) when my dad fell in love with her. He wasn't super rich or anything, but far wealthier than anything she would have known

His parents almost disowned him and thought my mum must be a gold-digger, even though it was totally my dad pursuing her initially and not the other way round! But they came around eventually.

They always managed, but my dad has habit of spending beyond his means sometimes and says 'It's only money!' which drives my mum nuts because, as she says, he doesn't know what it's like to be poor like she does.

durking · 23/01/2022 18:45

@RosesAndHellebores 😁

durking · 23/01/2022 18:46

@trailcat how did you meet your DH?

Wombat98 · 23/01/2022 18:48

I still do the yellow sticker thing. I married a guy who is either careful or good with money or tight, depending on your life view. We're now beyond comfortable but live well within our means. I appreciate it very much. I don't miss freezing with ice on the inside of the windows, no warm water to wash, etc.

I was at college with properly wealthy people, different league altogether. Requires a different set of skills. 😁

MsSquiz · 23/01/2022 18:51

I did. I always had an idea of how much DH's family was worth (we went to school together) but I never equated that with DH having money. As in, in my head, it was his parents money and he would inherit, rather than already have acquired wealth from the family business.

Even now, we've been together 8 years and married 5, and I still consider it "his money" (he considers it ours) and we put a pre nup in place to protect his money (his family money goes down the blood line)

I do live a massively different life to that when I was growing up. Grew up in a 2 bed council flat and now live mortgage free in a 5 bed detached house. It still seems surreal

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