To not want to see cocaine using friends again?

[WallyCobbles12345]

I've been really good friends with a couple for several years and we meet up every few months, usually they stay at mine due to our respective locations.

I've always known that they were into their drugs, weed, E, cocaine etc. they're city high fliers but like to party hard at the weekend. I have no issue with this at all. I've dabbled myself in the past but don't do it anymore.

Anyway when they've come to stay previously they would bring a bit of weed with them which is fine. But in their latest visit they brought coke, which I thought was a bit odd as we were just having dinner and drinks at mine, not going to a rave!

Oh my god, I literally did not get a word in edgeways for the entire evening. They both talked at me for several hours, telling their stories in minute detail whilst gurning and figeting the entire time. To say they were up themselves is an understatement, I'm surprised their heads could fit through the door. I had to listen to them regale me with story after story about how fucking amazing they were. I was utterly exhausted by the end of it.

My friend has just messaged me to say they're keen to meet up again in a few weeks but I cannot bare a repeat of that night. Clearly they are both clueless to how they came across because they said they had the best night last time we met up!!

How do I tackle this? I don't want to offend them but nor do I want a repeat of last time. I don't want to lose the friendship but I know they're big into their coke and can't see what arseholes they become when taking it.

Any advice please?!

Can you reply something like, ‘Mate, you were off your tits last night and chewed my ear off for 8 hours solid.I don’t ever want to go through that shit again. Next time, can we meet early in a pub or restaurant then I can clear off before you get the coke out?”

You don’t need to tell them they’re annoying tits. Just say it means you’re all on a different level/changes the dynamic and it’s better if you just stick to booze when you’re all together.

I have major issues (stemming from childhood) about being assertive. I'm basically a bit of a doormat and these friends are very assertive hence I feel nervous about talking to them about it. Clearly they don't give a shit or think it's a big deal

@colourmebladd

You don’t need to tell them they’re annoying tits. Just say it means you’re all on a different level/changes the dynamic and it’s better if you just stick to booze when you’re all together.

That's a good idea thank you!

I don’t think you need to come across preachy. As you’ve done it (presumably with them in the past) you could just say “could you not bring the coke this time.. it’s one of those things we need to all be doing or none of us, as it’s not so much fun for the one not doing it. I don’t really do it any more so would prefer an evening with a couple of wines if that’s alright”. If they get shitty after that then they’ve really got a problem.

I’ve got friends that would probably bring some over for a dinner but if I said something along those lines they’d be more than happy to not do any that night. They may well have bought it and done it as you’ve all done it together in the past and they see it as no big deal.

But if you’re a true friend, and they are true friends to you, you need to tell them that their behaviour changed so much you did not enjoy the evening one bit. How else can you continue to meet up?

Personally I'd walk away from the friendship, but then I was totally screwed over by someone who I didn't realise had a bad cocaine habit.

@WallyCobbles12345

Honestly their coke is like a precious bag of gold dust to them, they would never accidentally leave any lying around! But that's a separate argument.

But yes you're all correct I need to have the conversation with them about how it changes them (which I'm damn sure they know already!) I'm going to find it so uncomfortable but it needs to be done. I'll try and build up the courage to text my friend today - I'm aware I sound pathetic btw.

They may have no idea

One of my friends stopped mixing with me on coke after he saw a friend in a kind of comedic state...I'll spare you the details.

Prior to my friend stopping, my sister saw him behaving embarrassingly on the night bus...also when she approached him, he had no idea who she was.

This all happened in the same week though, which helped. When I rang him and said "my sister tried to see you home but you didn't recognise her" he was so embarrassed. He also gave away a very expensive watch that night!

So you telling them might help. He is now completely clean when he sees me. I'm not saying he has stopped but I don't have the prospect of a horrible night anymore.

'No thanks! You two are coke-bores'

Snorters are so very dull and twatty. I couldn't be friends with people who support that horrific industry.

Everyone’s a dick on coke, so I’d just say - yes love to. But could you leave the extras for when you having a big night out? - it doesn’t really work when some people are and others aren’t, but I’d love a chilled night and a proper catch up. How about X, Y week l?

Anyone using drugs in my house would be shown the food.

Excellent, @Maray1967 - I'm popping round with a spliff & will deffo get the munchies.

Apologies ... could not resist the tease :)
And fwiw, your DH's (ex?) mates are hideous - spiking people is just Not Funny.

They are not remotely concerned about offending you so do try not to tip toe too much.

Honestly it's time for you to speak up, say you love seeing them except when they've taken cocaine. Say you find it utterly exhausting.

Nothing rude about that, at least not in comparison to their hideous behaviour.

@WallyCobbles12345

I have major issues (stemming from childhood) about being assertive. I'm basically a bit of a doormat and these friends are very assertive hence I feel nervous about talking to them about it. Clearly they don't give a shit or think it's a big deal

Hey OP - loads of people have been through similar, & there's no need to call yourself a doormat, you just need a bit of practice.

Have you had counselling re: childhood issues?
If not, can you access some?
In the meantime, get yourself started, & in a better frame of mind, by buying this excellent book -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

PP's have given you great suggestions on the message/conversation you have next. (To blow own trumpet, see page 1 for mine) - & great tips about not being "confrontational" by making it about being on the same wavelength, instead of the somewhat more assertive "you're total cunts when you snort, cut it out" ...

See?
I couldn't say boo to a goose as a girl.
Now I'm an old bat with booklearnin' & therapy under my belt, I don't give a stuff about calling out rudeness & awkwardness.
You'll get there too, in your own style, at your own pace.
Please invest in yourself with therapy etc. You are worth SO much more than cokeheads, promise

I can't be doing with drug use and find people who use coke etc are boring to begin with and even more so when they are on it.
When we go out with a certain large crowd, two of the couples use coke. They think they are really cool and all they bore on about is how great their dealer is etc but they can't see what idiots they look. I just avoid them.

Could you say that since they've been, you've been thinking about having coke in your home too big a risk in case your children managed to ingest some? That it's best done outside your home?

Very bad manners. I'm a drug user (not cocaine) and I think it's bad manners to take drugs in someone else's home without their agreement (and indeed usually participation). I wouldn't do it to someone else and would not tolerate it in my home.

I mean... do you even like these people? It doesn't sound like they bring anything to your life, and your line 'I'm basically a bit of a doormat and these friends are very assertive' makes me think you're essentially barely tolerating them, anyway.

I am very, VERY anti-coke, having working in finance and tech for a lot of years and having been exposed to a bunch of dicks (and that's before we get to the 'blood on your hands' argument'. And yes, I am a vegetarian, before anybody comes for me).

I say fuck it, ghost them. Just stop responding to their messages.

Why does cocaine make people like this though? I find it so bizarre

Because it’s a mood enhancer. So while they’re in party mood it makes them talk about themselves non stop

If they start having a fall out this can quickly switch to really aggressive behaviour and physical confrontations. And the last thing you need to be doing on an evening with friends is calling the police. Especially if the officers find coke in your house and decide to nick you too.

I’m a cop and never arrested anyone on coke who was acting pleasantly. They’re always like wild animals who spend two hours offering you out.

You will have to be direct or they won’t listen.

I'd say something like 'would love to meet up again, but Coke is really not for me and I don't enjoy being around it. Can we meet up on a night you're not planning on doing it'

Tbh, I don't like it at all, and have some friends/family that do it often - I tell them not in my house. If we're in a big group I can tolerate it, but in a small group I would find that so dull.

@LondonWolf- Coke in the house can be tragic. I recall the Shameless episode when Liam was so ill. I would not let drug users into my house to protect me and mine from the dangers of drips. I dumped a friend because she had a serious opioid problem. I could stop her, and couldn’t change her.

They would not be friends of mine at all. I think of all the young men murdered because of drug turf wars, the impact of county lines dealing, and that disproportionately they are young black men. If you believe Black Lives Matter then I think you should not condone drug taking.

I agree with pps in that I have no idea why you want to stay in touch with these people op.

They bring coke to your home , your children's home no less , then sit there and bore the shit out of you whilst sneaking off to top up whenever they need to.

If they can't see the problem with any of this then I actually don't see why you should tell them. Just start seeing other friends.

OP, out of interest do these friends of yours have children themselves? Or do they have some kind of situation going on that means they can't do it at home?

Either way, I know you don't like "confrontation" but nobody else is going to do this for you. The message needs to come from you. We can give you some moral support on this thread, but at the end of the day it's you who needs to do the "work" of telling them you didn't like their behaviour. I know it's not fair, but it's the only way it's going to get dealt with.

I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, and I sure as hell would never have them in my home.

Who the hell gets high to sit round someone’s dining table?!