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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To whinge and stamp my feet about this?

42 replies

JustWantToSayGoodnight · 22/01/2022 19:40

I won’t because I’m over 30 and not a toddler but it doesn’t seem fair!

I have a DD aged 6 with my ExH. She goes to his EOW for 24 hours.

Twice per week he has video calls with her, I facilitate this, set up the call, and let them chat. I give the occasional hint when DD is stumped by what to say so for example “Why don’t you tell daddy which book you picked from the library yesterday?” but basically leave them to it.

All contact is court ordered.

The CAO says that I should be able to speak to DD for up to 30 minutes on the Saturday she is with her dad.

The video calls where added when we went back to court for a variation last year but where added to take into account DDs wishes. She told the cafcass worker lady who came to school that “I would like to talk to daddy more often, even if it’s on the screen (she means her tablet)” and “I’d like to say goodnight to mummy and my cat when I’m with daddy”.

Except ExH never lets me talk to her on his Saturday. His excuse is always “I forgot sorry” or “We were eating until late” or “We were out” basically he doesn’t want me to speak to her. I know that.

We split due to his violence and control. He doesn’t pay any maintenance, so that plus the cideo calls is the only way he still has control over my life.

I know it’s only 24 hours I’m without her, but it was what DD wanted. And it bloody hurts that he’s ignoring what she wants to get one up on me. She’s back tomorrow, but she’ll ask me again why I didn’t call her. I’m always available, I’ve told ExH he can tell me what time to call, I will only make it 5 mins etc. he says yes then he never answers if I call.

I am probably very UR. Sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 22/01/2022 20:26

Does anyone know if there's anything I can do? I doubt it, but asking anyway

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 22/01/2022 20:31

Imo you need to see your solicitor. He is defying the court order however small. And your dd will lose trust in YOU if she feels YOU aren't keeping your word..
Obviously he is deliberately being a twat. But play it legal and get it enforced. He is in breech.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 20:34

Send her with a phone show her how to call mummy on it

Make sure its a cheap one with a protective case on it so he can't "break" it if that doesn't work back to court for enforcement I would honestly say stop his calls but that's petty and not taking into account what SHE wants

Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 22/01/2022 20:42

@Theunamedcat

Send her with a phone show her how to call mummy on it

Make sure its a cheap one with a protective case on it so he can't "break" it if that doesn't work back to court for enforcement I would honestly say stop his calls but that's petty and not taking into account what SHE wants

@Theunamedcat She has a tablet with a video calling app on it she can't read so can't call herself, she needs me to do that bit or have ExH/Me call so she can answer as she knows to press the green phone if it's mine or ExHs picture. But the call never connects so he's either taking her tablet off her when I'm supposed to call or not connecting it to his internet.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/01/2022 20:47

Evidence you making the calls and him not accepting them. Take it back to court.

Have CMS failed to get maintenance from him?

RandomMess · 22/01/2022 20:49

Oh and be honest with DD "I called your tablet but no one answered. Did you ask Daddy to call me because my phone never rang"

Don't badmouth or blame bu be factual.

Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 22/01/2022 20:49

@RandomMess

Evidence you making the calls and him not accepting them. Take it back to court.

Have CMS failed to get maintenance from him?

@RandomMess On paper he earns nothing, doesn't claim any benefits so they can't get anything from him.
OP posts:
millymolls · 22/01/2022 21:22

I don’t want to minimise this for you but I actually don’t think it’s healthy that you need to speak for 30 mins before bed
She ( and you) need to be secure and comfortable with absences and both know the other is ok
Slightly different I know but I’ve never asked for 30 min calls when my children stay away

I guess there’s a couple if issues here
1 the legal issue of breaking the order
2 the actual issue of whether the 30 mins should be encourage if not. Personally I think that can be disruptive. Children tend to operate on out of sight out of mind and this could be more upsetting than actually no call at all

I note you refer to violence in your thread - I presume thus wax to you not our dd ?

Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 22/01/2022 21:27

@millymolls

I don’t want to minimise this for you but I actually don’t think it’s healthy that you need to speak for 30 mins before bed She ( and you) need to be secure and comfortable with absences and both know the other is ok Slightly different I know but I’ve never asked for 30 min calls when my children stay away

I guess there’s a couple if issues here
1 the legal issue of breaking the order
2 the actual issue of whether the 30 mins should be encourage if not. Personally I think that can be disruptive. Children tend to operate on out of sight out of mind and this could be more upsetting than actually no call at all

I note you refer to violence in your thread - I presume thus wax to you not our dd ?

@millymolls The video calls where not requested by me, I never bothered it was DD who said she wants to say goodnight to me and our cat, I wouldn't make it 30 mins, it would be literally "Hi, have you had a good day with daddy? Tell me all about it tomorrow, love you goodnight" blow a kiss kinda thing. It is in the order literally because DD requested it, in court cafcass said that they were sure it was DD who asked for this and not me or ExH because she specifically mentioned both of us in context of calls/

Violence was both me and DD, ExH was on supervised visits only for a long time but he didn't put a foot out of line in those so got unsupervised.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 21:41

Take your evidence to court fuck it the child wants to talk to you she should be allowed I've let my son speak to his dad on my phone before now and I hate him (with good reasons) but if my child wants something and it's reasonably achievable he gets it 🤷‍♂️ provided it's not illegal immoral or midnight of course

MaybeSomeDay7 · 22/01/2022 21:41

@millymolls

I don’t want to minimise this for you but I actually don’t think it’s healthy that you need to speak for 30 mins before bed She ( and you) need to be secure and comfortable with absences and both know the other is ok Slightly different I know but I’ve never asked for 30 min calls when my children stay away

I guess there’s a couple if issues here
1 the legal issue of breaking the order
2 the actual issue of whether the 30 mins should be encourage if not. Personally I think that can be disruptive. Children tend to operate on out of sight out of mind and this could be more upsetting than actually no call at all

I note you refer to violence in your thread - I presume thus wax to you not our dd ?

When there has been violence, coercion and so on, of course it's crucial that OP should be able to speak to DD in order that they both feel safe. They are rebuilding trust in all directions and it's very hard. I've been in exactly the same position and it is totally about the ex using his child to demonstrate control. OP you have my total sympathy. I tend to think it's OK, in this situation, to tell them daddy is a bit of a butthole (but say something like he can't help it, we're all trying to improve things) else they grow up thinking you don't care AS well as daddy. You're doing the emotional work of two parents and trying to repair damage already done. I would definitely keep thinking around this and about how to reassure DD. You have my total sympathy. ❤
Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 22/01/2022 21:44

@Theunamedcat

Take your evidence to court fuck it the child wants to talk to you she should be allowed I've let my son speak to his dad on my phone before now and I hate him (with good reasons) but if my child wants something and it's reasonably achievable he gets it 🤷‍♂️ provided it's not illegal immoral or midnight of course
@Theunamedcat I've literally always facilitated his calls, i might move times around occasionally due to other things going on (like dentist appointments or whatever) but I always make sure she speaks to ExH twice per week, even if only for 10 minutes. I will even suggest things for her to tell him if she's struggling like the library books or what she had for lunch or whatever.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 23:04

Exactly you facilitate calls your a grown up he is acting a brat and not

curlii103 · 22/01/2022 23:16

Can you give her an old phone/ i pad and show her how to call you? My 6yr old is shockingly competent on an i pad! But agreed its terrible her dad wont assist!

Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 23/01/2022 10:34

@curlii103

Can you give her an old phone/ i pad and show her how to call you? My 6yr old is shockingly competent on an i pad! But agreed its terrible her dad wont assist!
@curlii103 She has a tablet with a video calling app on it, but when I call it the calls don't connect so I suspect either the tablet is taken off her or ExH isn't connecting it to his internet.

DD can't read so wouldn't know how to call me herself, thats if it's connected to the internet or she's allowed it. I have tried. She has to have help to call ExH.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2022 11:02

Give her a phone perhaps then with just your number in it and teach her how to call you and how to answer it.

Just further evidence that he is blocking her contact.

IAmMeThisIsI · 23/01/2022 11:21

Awww so he's stopping her saying night night to her mummy and cat? Bless her. You're not being UR. You may have to hammer it home to him if he's really forgetting. Your daughter sounds lovely though btw.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2022 11:28

He should have to answer in court as to what he lives on if he's not claiming benefits and he says he's not earning anything. His bank account should be looked at.

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 11:58

I would stop helping their conversations once DD has ran out of things to chat up about let her hang up.

Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 23/01/2022 12:52

@HollowTalk

He should have to answer in court as to what he lives on if he's not claiming benefits and he says he's not earning anything. His bank account should be looked at.
@HollowTalk Unfortunately that's unlikely to happen, CMS just shrugged when I questioned how he's affording to live on absolutely nothing - he has a car.

He has a housemate, so I suspect most if not all his earnings go through his housemate, there's nothing I can do if it does.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 23/01/2022 12:54

@RandomMess

Give her a phone perhaps then with just your number in it and teach her how to call you and how to answer it.

Just further evidence that he is blocking her contact.

@RandomMess I wouldn't put it passed him to take it off her anyway, and I don't feel comfortable asking her to hide, especially as he was violent towards her in the past.
OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantToSayGoodnight · 23/01/2022 12:56

@IAmMeThisIsI

Awww so he's stopping her saying night night to her mummy and cat? Bless her. You're not being UR. You may have to hammer it home to him if he's really forgetting. Your daughter sounds lovely though btw.
@IAmMeThisIsI I suspect he's not forgetting, as he "forgets" other things too, like the fact that the CAO says I can have DD on Mother's Day even if it falls on his weekend, he's to return her early, he never does, claims he's "forgotten" its Mother's Day yet remembers Father's Day and insists on me dropping her with him.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2022 13:03

Sounds like you need an enforcement order on the CO tbh for Mother's Day and the phone contact as well.

Judges do not like being ignored.

Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 13:17

Tell her to ask daddy if she can ring - then at least she learns that it’s him stopping the calls. Tell her you’ve tried to ring but he doesn’t answer. She’ll work it out..

It’s so frustrating that parents can hide money from their children’s upkeep. And disgusting. My friend’s ex has never had to pay her a penny for their daughter, despite him having his own business, two houses and driving round in a Porsche. The only slight revenge she had was (a) watching him grumble that he couldn’t claim anything throughout Covid, and (b) watching her daughter write a letter to him/the court saying she didn’t want to see him anymore when she was 13 (totally her daughter’s decision- he’d started bullying her too).

TheOccupier · 23/01/2022 13:18

YANBU. If he is in breach of the court order you will need to provide evidence to your solicitor and get them to send him a letter.

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