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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can you describe what kind of person this is?

44 replies

bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:05

  • Isn't bothered when his OH is poorly, makes out his is just as poorly or equally ignores her.
  • gives silent treatment when one of her (not his) dcs do something that annoy him.
  • Constantly talks about work and nothing else
  • Won't let anyone watch what they want on tv - tells them to go to their rooms as they have their own TVs there. OH never watches what she would like too.
  • Does no housework
  • Doesn't help with childcare
  • Sublty just expects his OH to do everything around the house
  • Always talks about himself/achievements
  • If he does do something (cook for example) he has to constantly ask if the food is nice and if everyone likes it. Also tells everyone how much he enjoyed a meal he cooked
  • puts little effort in OH's birthday. OH deals with everyone else's birthday/Xmas. He does nothing, not even for his own family.
  • OH feels she is walking on egg shells all the time. Leaves the family home once/twice a year after an argument caused by him but she always goes back
  • very insecure, lately he has been feeling oh has someone else
  • has an addiction - not alcohol or drugs but does something everyday that his oh repeatedly asks to stop. He promises daily he will but doesn't
  • frequently asks his oh if she is proud to have a partner like him. Asks if she is glad he can fix things in the house etc. Asks her if she's glad he doesn't cheat
  • Has a teenage child who he puts all his problems on to and has done since the child was young.
  • Has no idea of the correct things to talk about in front of dcs - things have been rocky for them lately and he continues to try talk about the issues in front of the dcs. It's like he cannot see that there is a time and a place for things to be spoken about.
  • got angry at his OH when she said her mental health was declining
  • OH likes to stay at her family members house every once in a while. He does not like this and she doesn't go. He doesn't shout but whatever he says is enough to make her not go.
  • He has children from a previous relationship who she does the childcare for as he just sits on a weekend and doesn't do much.

There will be so much more. The OH is my sister and this is her husband. She has left him and I have an idea of what kind of person he is but I would just like clarification. I never liked him that much, there was always something off about him. I'm just curious to see if what I feel is him matches what you Mumsnetters think.

I will show her this post when she is ready to see it.

OP posts:
bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:06

Another one

  • if she does ask for help, he will moan by saying he has worked all day or say he will do it but end up just not doing it.
OP posts:
AlloftheTime · 22/01/2022 14:09

Narcissistic

HerRoyalHappiness · 22/01/2022 14:09

Abusive. He's mentally abusing her by giving her the silent treatment and gaslighting her into thinking shes done wrong which is why she walked on egg shells. Sounds very much like my ex.

Snorkmaidenn · 22/01/2022 14:09

I'm curious to know what his addiction is?

Thedogscollar · 22/01/2022 14:12

You are describing an abuser and a lazy needy selfish man.
Your sister is much much better off without this man in her life.
No life lived with him could be happy.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 14:13

Abusive.

Is the addiction porn or gambling?

Your sis should go see a solicitor on Monday, focus on getting the best financial deal. Pull all the salary/pension/house finances first. He might try to hide money, or if his issue is gambling then blow it.

Glad she has a supportive sister.

bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:15

@Snorkmaidenn

I'm curious to know what his addiction is?
Gambling. Not bad enough that leaves them with no money but money that could be saved. We are talking 8-10k a year
OP posts:
bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:16

@Luredbyapomegranate

Abusive.

Is the addiction porn or gambling?

Your sis should go see a solicitor on Monday, focus on getting the best financial deal. Pull all the salary/pension/house finances first. He might try to hide money, or if his issue is gambling then blow it.

Glad she has a supportive sister.

Yes gambling. We have sorted the money side of things. My sister is very sensible thank goodness and has her wits about her through all the damage
OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 22/01/2022 14:18

I would describe them as an EX-PARTNER

Anoisagusaris · 22/01/2022 14:20

A prick.

Butchyrestingface · 22/01/2022 14:21

She has left him and I have an idea of what kind of person he is but I would just like clarification.

No need to pathologist an arsehole. Just be thankful she's skedaddled.

bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:22

Another one - my sister had achieved something she had worked so very hard for months towards. He was the first person she called when this was finally achieved.

His response was that someone else was responsible for the achievement and she needed to call them immediately to thank them for their help. He took away her excitement

OP posts:
UmbilicusProfundus · 22/01/2022 14:22

He’s just a bit of a cunt isn’t he. The diagnostic criteria are far broader than those used to describe narcissism.

Sexnotgender · 22/01/2022 14:22

A lazy, abusive misogynistic turd.

bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:24

@Butchyrestingface

She has left him and I have an idea of what kind of person he is but I would just like clarification.

No need to pathologist an arsehole. Just be thankful she's skedaddled.

It's so I can show her.

She is very confused, she knows she has been abused yet she cannot see it for what it is.

She's been opening up to me over the past few days, I'm shocked to hear her list off all these things.

She begins therapy next week but it's like she is living a nightmare in her head at the moment

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 22/01/2022 14:30

He sounds like a cripplingly insecure, abusive twat. It's all awful in your post, he really doesn't seem to have redeeming features but asking someone whether you're happy they haven't cheated is utterly bizarre. I can't imagine any normal person asking such a question.....unless they had of course cheated.

bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:33

Abusive is the main word I was looking for. My sis can see it but because it was never physically violent, she says it's hard to see.

Controlling was the other word.

Narcissist....he certainly fits a lot of that criteria however I know it's a term thrown about a lot.

OP posts:
Derrymum123 · 22/01/2022 14:35

Misogynist, narcissistic, soon to be ex.

ShowOfHands · 22/01/2022 14:46

He's a shit bag. No need for you to theorise as to how or why. Somewhere along the line he has failed to learn how to behave in a respectful, mature, adult way and has chosen to be a manipulative and abusive partner and parent.

You don't need a name for it. She just needs support to stay away and rebuild.

bakescakes · 22/01/2022 14:49

@ShowOfHands

He's a shit bag. No need for you to theorise as to how or why. Somewhere along the line he has failed to learn how to behave in a respectful, mature, adult way and has chosen to be a manipulative and abusive partner and parent.

You don't need a name for it. She just needs support to stay away and rebuild.

My sister is staying with me and really so confused. She clearly has had everything built up and over the last few days, she has let it all out. I'm sure there's more to come.

I just thought if I list everything out exactly as it was and people replied with abusive it would help her see it.

She has full permission for me to do this, she just says he works hard for her and the dcs and that is her reason for thinking his behaviour was acceptable

OP posts:
Mundra · 22/01/2022 14:51

A twat, to mince no words.
She needs help to leave him.

SuperSleepyBaby · 22/01/2022 14:52

Did he have any good points at all? Why did she get with him in the first place?

BiscuitLover3678 · 22/01/2022 14:52

Lucky that she took so long to leave him

VelvetChairGirl · 22/01/2022 14:54

A narcissistic, insecure sociopathic twat.

Freecuthbert · 22/01/2022 14:58

@Sexnotgender

A lazy, abusive misogynistic turd.
I second this! What a truly awful man.