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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of being the default parent

48 replies

JackMummy12 · 22/01/2022 13:56

My husband is a great Dad and a great husband.

Recently however I’m getting more and more fed up of being the default parent. My husband plays golf every weekend. The weekends are short and I think it’s too much every weekend. My youngest is hard work and I feel trapped at home because I just can’t be dealing with his tantrums in public on top of that I just feel like I don’t have the money to justify going out and doing something for 4-6 hours whilst he’s playing golf.

I work from home which I love, but I’m just here all the time.

I’m genuinely wondering whether to end my marriage so maybe he’d understand what it’s like being on your own so much with the children and how trapping it feels.

OP posts:

Ileflottante · 22/01/2022 13:59

My husband is a great Dad and a great husband.

Why do posters preface a post with this, and then go on to describe a selfish and larger absent twat?

OP, do you ever get hours at a time to go and do what you want?

Ileflottante · 22/01/2022 14:00

Largely absent*

Serenschintte · 22/01/2022 14:00

Is the golf free? Because if it isn’t (and even if it is really) why is it wrong for you to spend money?
Could you get a babysitter for a few hours.
Sounds like to need to speak to your husband

Playgrind · 22/01/2022 14:01

What does he say when you tell him how you feel?

BiologicalRealist · 22/01/2022 14:01

Why do you think he is a good dad and husband OP? Give us examples as it doesn't sound like that based on your first post.

Babymamamama · 22/01/2022 14:07

My ex (father of child) religiously played sport one full day every single weekend and it usually also combined with him socialising up the club house into the evening. It really impacted our family time especially when DC was little and I resented him as he never really stepped up on the other day of the weekend to make up in any way for his habitual “absence”.

We are no longer together. This was symptomatic of a generalised selfishness in his personality. The irony is now he is free as a bird to do his beloved sport whenever he chooses he has a long term injury and can no longer participate. Karma eh?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 22/01/2022 14:11

He's just a selfish person.

Fundamentally, that is what he is. Selfish.

You wont change him. You married him and had a kid with him. Now you need to decide if you're going stay in this or leave. But he will not change. Selfish people dont change. Once you start a family, your leisure time is curtailed. The people who dont "get" that and just carry on as before because someone else will pick up the slack are selfish people. End of.

Up to you what you do now.

ProudThrilledHappy · 22/01/2022 14:17

Next week, get dressed and put your coat on an hour before he would usually go to golf. Tell him you are going out for some you time. Leave him to it.

He is also a parent and needs to see first hand how isolating and dispiriting it is to be left alone with the kids for long periods at the weekend.

Original poster

JackMummy12 · 22/01/2022 14:17

Tbh when I write it, it’s nothing special. He does bed times and works hard but yea tbh, is that just the way we as women are made to feel if we just haven’t married a dead beat Dad.

I’ve tried this conversation so many times and it’s like well why don’t you go out? Ha! And do what? When would we have any family time?

Tbh it’s not so much money but my toddler who just drains the life out of me. I can’t even do a food shop because my toddler is wild. That’s easily rectified by online shopping but he’s just that hard work! My husband knows this but is happy to fuck off all day. It’s not in a I can’t spend money but tbh everything’s expensive nowadays, even the soft play is like £20 and it’s not keeping us out and busy for 4+ hours.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2022 14:21

You've talked to him and it's not worked. You now need to take action.

If he goes out on a saturday, then book the whole of Sunday off. Go for a swim, read a book in a coffee shop, meet some friends for lunch, go a long hike, go to the cinema. Take the same amount of time that he does. Do this a few weekends and then review. This is what your life would be like if you split up but he may decide that he wants some family time. Unfortunately you can't force someone to want to spend time with you both though

Baddit · 22/01/2022 14:37

What @Ileflottante and what @Itsalmostanaccessory said.

He's not a great dad and he knows exactly what he is doing but doesn't care.

RedskyThisNight · 22/01/2022 14:41

I’ve tried this conversation so many times and it’s like well why don’t you go out?

Well ... why don't you? Or call his bluff if he doesn't really mean it. Sit down and work out when he has child free time and when you have child free time and when you all have family time. Obviously your child free time needs to equal his child free time.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 14:41

Is he playing golf all weekend or just half?

GrapefruitPink · 22/01/2022 15:14

Does he play golf both Saturday and Sunday?
If so, yes it's too much.
If once, make the next day either a family day or your day.
Don't even ask him, tell him.
This is what we're doing Sunday, this is what I'm doing Sunday.

billy1966 · 22/01/2022 15:22

He's a selfish waster who knows well what he is doing.

He doesn't give a damn about you or your children.

Unfortunately you have allowed this to occur.

Get up and leave him for the day with HIS children.

Wherever you have to go, just go and leave him to it.

He needs to spend time with his children.

Stop being a doormat.
Stop talking to him about it.

Just get up and leave him there to it.

Original poster

JackMummy12 · 22/01/2022 15:23

Yes it’s one day but he doesn’t work M-F often he will be working the other day. One day every weekend is quite a lot when you have young children at home.

OP posts:

BessMarvin · 22/01/2022 15:42

You should have some family time the 3 of you and you should both have equal time doing something enjoyable (not work, looking after children or cleaning). If he isn't willing to facilitate that he's being selfish and should give you an explanation as to why he thinks that he deserves more time off than you.

Original poster

JackMummy12 · 22/01/2022 17:44

There is four of us. My oldest is easy, I don’t care about him playing golf, this is only since we’ve had two I’ve found it so much more difficult, it’s not so easy getting out with two.

OP posts:

HandWash · 22/01/2022 17:47

@JackMummy12

Yes it’s one day but he doesn’t work M-F often he will be working the other day. One day every weekend is quite a lot when you have young children at home.

So he's a sahd the rest of the week while you work? In that case one day to himself at the weekend doesn't seem so bad.

Horst · 22/01/2022 17:48

Make Sunday’s your day op. Even if you just sit in your car and read a book in a carpark. Just your day where he has the children.

mbosnz · 22/01/2022 17:53

I'd be telling him how you feel, pointing out the imbalance, given that often he's working the other weekend day, and suggesting he cuts it down to every other weekend, with you having every other Saturday.

OfstedOffred · 22/01/2022 17:54

You have a DH problem!

He's prioritising golf over family commitments so no, he isn't a great dad

Chely · 22/01/2022 17:58

He's being selfish and he knows it. Tell him it stops or he can fuck off and live in a golf cart.

The getting out with 2 alone, well that will not change if you end your marriage. You need to find a way to cope with it going forward.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/01/2022 17:58

I wouldn't have a problem with one golf round a week...but you need to get the exact same time and money spent back op.
What do you like to do? Do that.

MarshmallowSwede · 22/01/2022 18:07

He is not a great dad or husband if he never spends time with his children. Weekends are family time.

My dad is a doctor and he had the rare weekend free, but when he did have a free weekend he was 100% focused on his family. Not out of the house for half the weekend. I knew whenever my dad had a weekend off because he always made a point to let us all know ahead of time and we had plans as a family. It was never a moment where he was gone doing a hobby at the expense of spending time with us. I just don’t understand these sort of men.

These sort of men who are always away from their families doing hobbies don’t actually want to parent or be active in marriages unless they are having sex with their wife.

They want a family but they find being active in the family inconvenient because it takes away from their hobbies. They are actually terrible husbands and terrible fathers.

So many men just want to be able to have sex on demand by having a woman at home and they want to be able to say that they have a family. But they are not willing to engage or do any active parenting or any emotional labour for the marriage.

I wish women would stop marrying these men. Let them do their hobbies and remain single. We need less women being made miserable by men who don’t do anything except create miserable families.

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