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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of being the default parent

48 replies

JackMummy12 · 22/01/2022 13:56

My husband is a great Dad and a great husband.

Recently however I’m getting more and more fed up of being the default parent. My husband plays golf every weekend. The weekends are short and I think it’s too much every weekend. My youngest is hard work and I feel trapped at home because I just can’t be dealing with his tantrums in public on top of that I just feel like I don’t have the money to justify going out and doing something for 4-6 hours whilst he’s playing golf.

I work from home which I love, but I’m just here all the time.

I’m genuinely wondering whether to end my marriage so maybe he’d understand what it’s like being on your own so much with the children and how trapping it feels.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 22/01/2022 18:18

Make sure you both have equal leisure time. So if he has 4-6 hours to play golf on the Sat then he should be solo parenting for 4-6 hours on the Sunday.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him having a hobby as long as you get equal free time.

pumpkinpie01 · 22/01/2022 18:22

He should be playing golf once a month , not every weekend . He needs to sort his priorities out.

HandWash · 22/01/2022 18:23

They want a family but they find being active in the family inconvenient because it takes away from their hobbies. They are actually terrible husbands and terrible fathers.

But unless I'm assuming wrong OP's DH parents M-F, while she works.

Why can't he have 4 hours (or whatever) on a Saturday? I honestly just think men are better at carving out time for themselves and it's not always a bad thing!

SexPeopleLynn · 22/01/2022 18:32

@HandWash I read it that her DH doesn't do traditional M-F hours and so therefore sometimes works Sunday as well. Not that he doesn't work in the week

But I may also have misunderstood!

lynntheyresexswappers · 22/01/2022 18:34

@HandWash

They want a family but they find being active in the family inconvenient because it takes away from their hobbies. They are actually terrible husbands and terrible fathers.

But unless I'm assuming wrong OP's DH parents M-F, while she works.

Why can't he have 4 hours (or whatever) on a Saturday? I honestly just think men are better at carving out time for themselves and it's not always a bad thing!

No, he works M-F PLUS a day at the weekend. He isn't parenting rest of the week. Op works from home full time and parents both children mostly alone. If you read the op and all replies it's quite easy to understand.

Op I totally understand. Being a parent is rough, especially with 2 when you're alone a lot.
It's not as easy as just going out when you have a difficult toddler. By default most things fall to mum don't they? And it's just hard, exhausting and stressful. You're entitled to feel this way, and to have a rant.

I would maybe show him this thread and see if he then really realises how much you are struggling.

You sound like a lovely wife and mum, and sending you solidarity and love

lynntheyresexswappers · 22/01/2022 18:34

[quote SexPeopleLynn]@HandWash I read it that her DH doesn't do traditional M-F hours and so therefore sometimes works Sunday as well. Not that he doesn't work in the week

But I may also have misunderstood![/quote]
Exactly how I read it - and great name!!

ttcstinks · 22/01/2022 18:40

OP I in would say YABU if you've never spoken to him about this.

YANBU for not wanting to be default parent but have you discussed this with him?

If not then you need to communicate not suffer in silence

HandWash · 22/01/2022 18:40

Yes it’s one day but he doesn’t work M-F often he will be working the other day.

Am I going crazy or does this say he DOESN'T work M-F?

ttcstinks · 22/01/2022 18:41

By default most things fall to mum don't they?

But why do they fall to mom? Most couples I know this happens because mom always thinks she does a better job than dad and becomes protective.

Maybe it's different for OP but I do think many women play martyr is when it comes to young children

Briony123 · 22/01/2022 18:42

Find something you used to enjoy, such as going to an exhibition or a sport, the early morning before he goes out to golf, go out before him and tell him you'll be back (say an hour before he would normally be back from golf). Make sure he knows you are going out!
Whatever you do, don't refer to it as naff "me time". Call the event by its name. He doesn't call golf "me time".
Then do it the next week and the next week. You'll either get a decent arrangement out of it, or a divorce, which will also mean a decent arrangement.

username103842 · 22/01/2022 18:46

So he basically has one day a week off with his family and spends it playing golf?!
I would not be happy with that. It's fine to have hobbies but for me family always comes first and hobbies should fit around that time.

Me and my DH only get one day off a week together to. His hobby is football with friends. They are all fathers I think and just play one evening a week. He goes to the Gym other days but purposely avoids our day off together.

I feel for you OP as I also have two young DC and find it to stressful to do a day out with both of them. I would be having a serious conversation with your DH.

username103842 · 22/01/2022 18:48

@HandWash

Yes it’s one day but he doesn’t work M-F often he will be working the other day.

Am I going crazy or does this say he DOESN'T work M-F?

I read it the way my DH works that his standard hours aren't M-F often so he will have a day off in the week and work one of the weekend days.

LittleOwl153 · 22/01/2022 18:49

Take a look at his rota. If he is booked tomorrow Saturday, then book yourself something to do on the Sunday before he announces the golf. Same if he is working Sunday... book the Saturday. If he is off for the weekend still book 1 day for you. Put it into a calendar alongside his rota.

It won't be long before he is wanting a conversation about it all.

LittleOwl153 · 22/01/2022 18:49

If henis.booked to.work Saturday

That should say...

Itsalmostanaccessory · 22/01/2022 18:51

So, he is a great dad... who happens to spend zero time with his family.

Why do women have children with men like this, then continue to have more children and then defend them by saying they're great dads. I despair at my sex sometimes when some of us behave like this.

HappyDays40 · 22/01/2022 18:56

He sounds like a shit father and husband. Not thinking about anyone but himself and his own selfish needs.
If he was working its different but he gets to hobby it up with little or no thought for you or your child. Meanwhile you are stuck home with no leisure time whatsoever. How is that fair?

Squeekyturtle · 22/01/2022 19:13

Parenting young children is a chore and both parent need to sign up to it or agree a fair split ! If he can't agree to this then you need to find a hobby or activity that allows equal time - I think you will find that if you start to take an equal amount of time to his then he will quickly reduce how long he spends in the clubhouse after a round but you have to be really strict so it he is out of the house for 4 hours then you get 4 hours !
It will get easier as the kids get older.

MrsKDB · 22/01/2022 19:16

No, he’s a terrible father and husband. Ffs!! These total men children, they are everywhere.

Start leaving him alone with them for the same amount of time, every single week. I’d also be re-evaluating my marriage tbh.

Beancounter1 · 22/01/2022 19:47

The way I read it, OP doesn't want to go out alone for four hours. She wants her DH to spend more time with her and the DC.

As a previous poster said, you can't make someone want to spend time with you and/or their child.

WetLookKnitwear · 22/01/2022 19:54

Yanbu you need a break. He knows exactly how draining it is which is why he fucks off for a blissful childfree day playing golf. It must be lovely.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 20:31

Your youngest is probably picking up on your mood and is tantruming for attention

You need a break do they go to nursery or anything?

Popfan · 22/01/2022 21:44

I play golf. He does not need to be out for 6 hours! He should get round in 3.5 - 4 hours so if he went earlier and teed off at 8.00 or even 9 he'd be back home by lunchtime! He's obviously having a long drink / lunch etc in the clubhouse afterwards. That would be ok sometimes but if he does want to play once a week and you are ok with that tell him to go earlier and come straight home.

AuraBora · 22/01/2022 22:19

Having hobbies and interests is one thing, swanning off to golf for the whole day every single weekend (especially when it may be the only day in the week to spend as a family) is quite another.
It's selfish beyond belief. I'm not surprised you feel how you do, OP and I'm sorry for you.
Hope you can somehow make him see sense and work things out.

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