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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate mother

51 replies

SiempreDot · 22/01/2022 08:47

I'm having a really difficult time with my mum and need some advice.

My child's father is and was abusive. We split up when he was a tiny baby and he wasn't involved in his life. He is controlling, he would have sex with me in my sleep and laugh about it. Since we split up, he's pursued me through the family courts with a new application every few months as a way of tormenting me. He sits in his car outside my house revving his engine. There's an ongoing police investigation.

Over the last year, he's been turning up to my mum's house and she's been engaging in chats with him. He keeps on phoning and messaging her and I've her not to engage as his motives are not benign and I find it incredibly triggering. She will pass on messages from him to me eg "Jamie says you're doing xyz" and wanting me to defend myself. I've impressed how he's doing this as a form of abuse which my domestic abuser agrees with. She keeps lying and saying she's blocking his number and he's calling her on new burner phones. Even if this is true, she refuses to just say "Sorry Jamie, I'm not talking to you, talk to Lucy" and put the phone down. She will have hour long conversations with him.

I'm finding this very difficult and triggering and can see exactly what he's doing. It's putting an incredibly strain on my relationship with my mum and I don't know what to do if she doesn't stop doing this. The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much.

Any advice

OP posts:
IggyAce · 22/01/2022 08:54

Honestly I’d go no contact and tell her exactly why. She needs to live with the consequences of her actions. You will probably find that he stops contacting her when he realises she is no longer a way to get to you.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/01/2022 11:42

Totally unnatural and toxic behaviour by your mother

Your mum gives zero fucks about hurting you.
Remember that.

I would go totally NC.

3scape · 22/01/2022 11:46

Tell your mother that because she is supporting and enabling his stalking and abuse you will be blocking her number. Block her. Let her absorb the harm that she is actively doing to you.

ProudThrilledHappy · 22/01/2022 11:49

Block her, she is choosing to endanger her child and grandchild rather than be firm with him.

You may also want to as mumsnet to edit your post as you have used possibly identifiable first names ( unless you have intentionally changed for for the post)

DisappearingGirl · 22/01/2022 11:52

Ugh that is is absolutely horrible behaviour from both of them.

If you don't want to go no contact then perhaps you could go zero tolerance of talk of your ex. So as soon as she mentions him you say, mum I'm not going to talk about X and if you mention him again I'm going to put the phone down / leave the house etc. And do it. Don't respond to anything she says that X has said. If she texts you about X, don't reply, or just reply to the bit of the message that doesn't involve him. Good luck

OhM8 · 22/01/2022 11:56

Cut off all contact with her

Her behaviour is appalling

EarPlugAfficionado · 22/01/2022 12:00

Cut contact with her and move house.

Hunderland · 22/01/2022 12:14

Op are the names in there made up? You might want to remove them if not.

UndertheCedartree · 22/01/2022 12:15

Explain to her that if it happens one more time you will cut contact with her and then do it if you need to. I'm so sorry you are going through it Flowers

Luckypoppy · 22/01/2022 12:18

Remind her she's talking to your rapist! If she continues then you deserve better. X

Natty13 · 22/01/2022 12:27

You don't have to go NC with your mum, you just have to end every conversation the second she brings him up "mum i dont want to hear 1 word about Jamie. Thank you for understanding" "Mum im ending this conversation now because you have brought him up when I asked you not to" (then end the conversation, seriously not another word else you'll get drawn in to a discussion/argument). She will soon learn.

Basically, exactly what you expect her to do....set boundaries and stick to them:

"Even if this is true, she refuses to just say "Sorry Jamie, I'm not talking to you, talk to Lucy" and put the phone down. She will have hour long conversations with him."

disappear · 22/01/2022 12:46

@Natty13

You don't have to go NC with your mum, you just have to end every conversation the second she brings him up "mum i dont want to hear 1 word about Jamie. Thank you for understanding" "Mum im ending this conversation now because you have brought him up when I asked you not to" (then end the conversation, seriously not another word else you'll get drawn in to a discussion/argument). She will soon learn.

Basically, exactly what you expect her to do....set boundaries and stick to them:

"Even if this is true, she refuses to just say "Sorry Jamie, I'm not talking to you, talk to Lucy" and put the phone down. She will have hour long conversations with him."

It’s not just that OP doesn’t want to hear one word about Jamie though. She doesn’t want Jamie knowing about her life or her son’s.
WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 22/01/2022 12:49

Fuck that. I wouldn't engage with your Mum from now on unless she agrees to not have further contact with your ex. If she doesn't listen to you then cut off contact from her.

So sorry that you're going through this Flowers

Imissmoominmama · 22/01/2022 12:53

It will be difficult, but you have to tell her that while she continues to engage with him, you can’t be in contact with her.

Wafflesnsniffles · 22/01/2022 12:54

I would say to her either you quit this behaviour or I will be NC with you for the forseeable future. Her behaviour is totally inappropriate.
Her doing this is totally something you dont need.

Tomeeornottomee · 22/01/2022 12:57

You’re worried about hurting her feelings but where is her concern for you and your LO? Tell her in no uncertain terms what you expect from her and that is to block his number and if he calls hang up. My DD has a non-molestation order against her former partner but even without that I would be NC with him after his abuse of her. She need to take a stand for you and not pander to an abusive twat who is only keeping contact with her to keep you in a state of panic and fear. 💐 sorry you’re going through this

Blue4YOU · 22/01/2022 13:01

OP your mother is behaving dreadfully.
Does she know this man raped you? Does she know there’s a police investigation?
What does she hope to achieve in talking to him?
I’d personally, if it were me, tell her the next time she speaks to you about him or to him at all you will cut contact with her

Chloemol · 22/01/2022 13:02

@Natty13

You don't have to go NC with your mum, you just have to end every conversation the second she brings him up "mum i dont want to hear 1 word about Jamie. Thank you for understanding" "Mum im ending this conversation now because you have brought him up when I asked you not to" (then end the conversation, seriously not another word else you'll get drawn in to a discussion/argument). She will soon learn.

Basically, exactly what you expect her to do....set boundaries and stick to them:

"Even if this is true, she refuses to just say "Sorry Jamie, I'm not talking to you, talk to Lucy" and put the phone down. She will have hour long conversations with him."

And in the meantime mum continues her hour long chats with Jamie giving over all the information the op talks to her about?
Chloemol · 22/01/2022 13:03

Having repeatedly asked your mother to stop contact and she hasn’t youhave to go no contact

It’s as hard and as simple as that

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/01/2022 13:06

No contact. It's the only way if she's not listened to you before.

Backtomyoldname · 22/01/2022 13:17

I suspect your Mum doesn’t understand the finer details of harassment and stalking. My parents wouldn’t have got it - ‘he just called up for a chat’ etc.

She may be answering your exoh to, misguidedly, help you? To help smooth waters, help maintain/ develop a relationship for your son with his father.

This has to stop. Burner phones etc mean there is a potentially serious situation round the corner.

Are the police involved with his behaviour outside your house? Perhaps they should be?

Could the police pay your mum a visit to explain? It might be better if they heard it from them?

Could you spell it out that if she shares details of your life with him that it could well be putting your, and your son’s, security at risk.

Have you any siblings who could back you up?

I can understand not wanting to go totally NC - but you could finish visits, phone calls promptly if she mentions him and explain why.

Hopefully she will eventually get the message.

godmum56 · 22/01/2022 13:27

Yup I'd block her. tell her why then block her.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 13:30

For your safety you do need to go no contact, not for ever, just for now. Explain this, and say you’ll look forward to seeing her when things have settled down.

I’m assuming she either has some self esteem issues, or is none too bright.

Tsuni · 22/01/2022 13:31

Your mum doesn't care about hurting you though, does she? You have to go NC. Protect yourself and your child.
Go back to the police and tell them you are being stalked. It’s important to tell them this.

Mambles · 22/01/2022 13:35

Your only option is to cut off contact with her. This may hurt her, but she obviously doesn't care that she's hurting you for absolutely no reason.