Inappropriate mother

[SiempreDot]

I'm having a really difficult time with my mum and need some advice.

My child's father is and was abusive. We split up when he was a tiny baby and he wasn't involved in his life. He is controlling, he would have sex with me in my sleep and laugh about it. Since we split up, he's pursued me through the family courts with a new application every few months as a way of tormenting me. He sits in his car outside my house revving his engine. There's an ongoing police investigation.

Over the last year, he's been turning up to my mum's house and she's been engaging in chats with him. He keeps on phoning and messaging her and I've her not to engage as his motives are not benign and I find it incredibly triggering. She will pass on messages from him to me eg "Jamie says you're doing xyz" and wanting me to defend myself. I've impressed how he's doing this as a form of abuse which my domestic abuser agrees with. She keeps lying and saying she's blocking his number and he's calling her on new burner phones. Even if this is true, she refuses to just say "Sorry Jamie, I'm not talking to you, talk to Lucy" and put the phone down. She will have hour long conversations with him.

I'm finding this very difficult and triggering and can see exactly what he's doing. It's putting an incredibly strain on my relationship with my mum and I don't know what to do if she doesn't stop doing this. The only thing I feel like I can do is to go no-contact but that would hurt her so much.

Any advice

Does she know there is an ongoing police investigation? If not I would tell her (not necessarily the details) and press upon her how serious this is.

I echo what others have said - you need to be firm with her - does she not care? Very strange behaviour by her. I mean why would she engage with him like this, knowing you are not together and you don’t want contact with him?

Tell her you find it hurtful and that if she continues, you won’t have a relationship.

Stop contact with DM.

She's made her choice; it's not you.

Cut your mum off, until she sorts her shit out.

Your mum is engaging in chit chat with your rapist.

You need to cut her out. Send her one text saying you never want to hear from her again and block her on all means of communication. If she comes to you tell her to leave or you will call the police.

She is dangerous.

I think you need to cut off contact, I was going to suggest telling her once, clearly, that if she doesn’t stop talking to him you’ll cut her off, but it sounds like there’s a risk she’ll stop telling you rather than stop talking to him.

He is most likely using the conversions to get information about you, and also as a way of reminding you that he can get to you through other channels. The other thing is that whilst she entertains a relationship with him it could give the impression to authorities that you are overreacting.

It’s a power play and the only way to stop it is to cut her off.

Are the police etc aware of him in case he escalates?

Unfortunately if you can't trust her not to talk to him you will have to break off contact with her. Have you told the police that he's contacting your relative as surely he shouldn't be doing that?

If this is already under police investigation, then I suggest you tell them that he is harassing your mother in order to get to you, and ask an officer to go round and speak to her.

Does your mum know how abusive he has been? If no then you need to tell her as she if she thinks he was being a bit of an arse then it’s a bit understandable what she is doing.

However if she is knowingly talking to your stalker and rapist then that is totally unforgivable and I would say that to her. She has chosen her side when she should be supporting you so go no contact and tell her exactly why. She should be upset with herself for having such poor judgement. I wouldn’t knowingly engage with a rapist, let alone one who attacked a loved one.

Maybe the OPs mum is scared to not talk to him and is downplaying it? Maybe the police should be told what he’s doing in case he takes his anger out in some way at OPs mum if she stops talking to him?

Your Mothers total lack of loyalty is breathtaking!
You need to ask yourself do you really need her in your life?

You need to go NC with your mum.

@3scape

Tell your mother that because she is supporting and enabling his stalking and abuse you will be blocking her number. Block her. Let her absorb the harm that she is actively doing to you.

This.

You need to protect yourself and your child. Which is what your mother should be doing too.

@Dashel

Does your mum know how abusive he has been? If no then you need to tell her as she if she thinks he was being a bit of an arse then it’s a bit understandable what she is doing.

However if she is knowingly talking to your stalker and rapist then that is totally unforgivable and I would say that to her. She has chosen her side when she should be supporting you so go no contact and tell her exactly why. She should be upset with herself for having such poor judgement. I wouldn’t knowingly engage with a rapist, let alone one who attacked a loved one.

Exactly this.

If your mum knows the background then this is do fucked up OP.

Why are you caring if she would be hurt at you trying to protect yourself from a problem of her making? Most mothers wouldn't piss on their childs abuser if they were on fire, why the fuck is she even saying two words to him?

I've got a feeling there is more to your childhood and relationship with your mother than you've said here and unless she is incredibly stupid or suffering with dementia or something then I think her behaviour is deliberate

Dear God OP. I am so sorry to read this, sounds like your ex is putting you through hell, and sad to say your mother seems to be his enabler-in-chief. Perhaps she is one of those idiots who only thinks rape is rape if violence is involved? If so she is remarkably stupid and out of date. Even 35 years ago the sex while you are sleeping thing was recognised as highly abusive by the courts, that's how I got my divorce way back then, among other reasons.
Please go NC with your mother, the safety of you and your child has to be the priority right now. If she wishes to behave properly and regain contact, well, that's up to her, isn't it? Maybe being hurt by your (correct) decision might help her learn a very valuable lesson!

Not to be too harsh but so what if going no contact hurts her.You have been very badly hurt by a monster of a man that most Mothers would fight tooth and nail to keep away from their Daughter.
Nobody would blame you for cutting contact.
Have you confronted her about talking to him?

Tell your mother you are getting anxiety and stress with what she is doing with your abuser. You have to make her understand.

My mother would probably have done this as well. She always, always thought I was in the wrong and would side with anyone against me - no matter what it was about. I was 65 when she died and she never stopped doing it. My dad on the other hand would fight to the death for me if he had to.

Sorry but she is emotionally abusing you I'd go little to no contact.
My mum is the same is a functioning alcoholic but would put whoever before me x
Really sorry I hope it gets sorted x

You mother is betraying you because she loves the attention.

My mum can be like this - she loves everything to be about her. Loves to make the point that she can get on with people I don’t like - totally ignoring my very good reasons for wanting a distance.

You need to be clear with your mother - if she continues you won’t be able to have a relationship with her. Your ex will lose interest in her is she has no links to you.

She is flattered by the attention but doesn’t care it is hurting you. What a bitch

My mother did something similar, went so far as to talk to (read: lie to) social workers about me. Heinous.

Agree you need to go NC and you must follow it through so she understands how serious this is.

My DM is a lovely, easygoing woman. Ex DP once threatened to text her to tell her “how you are behaving”. I told him to go ahead. He got a response from her in no uncertain terms what she thought of him. He never tried that again 😁

What was she like before this, and during your childhood?

You only need to read your last sentence to realise your Mum is abusive - you would go nc except you know how much it would hurt her.

No mention of what her behaviour is doing to you. Or what being left without your Mum's support would cost you.

I'm sorry but by encouraging your Ex's abuse (and she knows she is doing this) she doesn't demonstrate any care or love for you at all.

You can get her to block him, so just block her. No explanations needed.

If she cares about her relationship with you then it being conditional on her not being in contact with him would not be a problem for her, surely?

I would be honest with her.

You cannot be in my life and have him in yours. By all means call me when you have actually blocked him.

And walk away.

I would give her one last chance and I would make my boundaries absolutely clear to her.

I am telling you now that you block Jamie and refuse to speak to him ever again or I will cut all contact with you and you will not see me or your grandson again. It is entirely your choice. You can either continue in your bizarre and inappropriate conversations with someone who is abusing me and the subject of an ongoing police operation - or you can have contact with your own daughter. That's it. One more mention of Jamie's name, one more encounter where you don't immediately put the phone down on him and for my own mental health I will cut you right out of our lives. Is that absolutely clear to you? There will be no further discussion.