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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I awful?

30 replies

SmokeyRobinsom · 22/01/2022 07:05

I feed and clothe my child
I provide emotional well-being
I play inane and incessant games with them all the tome
I take them out to outdoor things and other events
They’ve had a holiday twice per year their whole life
I read to them daily
I send them to the best posible care when I’m working, after copious research
I foster relationships with other children and their parents for their sake
I practice very gentle parenting - no time out, firm nos when something isn’t safe but other than that try to understand the feeling and work it out
I have coslept for the last 4 years
I feel I have responded gracefully to their needs for the last 4 years
I yell maybe once every 8 weeks or less
They are a nice and well behaved child
But
Every Friday I drink wine, and smoke cigarettes, outside. . I put a monitor on and only go in as needed. Sometimes they hug me in the clothes I’ve smoked in.
Yes I know smoking is awful and will kill me.
My third hand smoke my kill my child
I shower before I retire to bed with them
Am I an awful mother?! I feel like I am because one night a week I am not beside her. Every other night i am. My husband has his own room and won’t sleep with her. But I think at 4 years old to be alone is ok? It’s just the smoking that’s bad? I don’t drink to be drunk, just a few drinks and a fag and listen to some music. It’s my only release and true me time of any week.

OP posts:
Backtoreality1 · 22/01/2022 07:18

At four years old she should be in her own room and you should be with your husband, but that is beside the point.

If he is in the house to deal with any urgent issues then no problem with one evening a week in the garden. You know smoking is a shortcut to death and that could take you away from your family earlier than anyone wants, but that’s your choice.

girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 07:22

Your husband should be looking after your child if you're having a night off.
If she sleeps alone on a Friday you don't need to co-sleep with her the rest of the week.
Stop hugging your child in smokey clothes - just get changed and brush your teeth before you hug her.

You're not an awful parent.

Ovenaffray · 22/01/2022 07:22

She will be fine.

If I was you I’d find a different way to relax coz fags and booze aren’t great. I’d also get her into her own room and you and your husband get a babysitter and maybe go out?

She’s in the house. Her dad is in the house. You’re just outside. It’s fine. In general fine I mean.

arcof · 22/01/2022 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jobsagudden · 22/01/2022 08:03

No you're not an awful mother. You sound like a lovely mum. Everyone needs time to relax. One cuddle from third hand smoke once a week is not going to damage your child.

TerraNovaTwo · 22/01/2022 08:05

To PP, my youngest was just 6 when they stopped co-sleeping with me. 4 years on they are a tough cookie, becoming rapidly independent..

Russell19 · 22/01/2022 08:05

So you're using the excuse of co sleeping to avoid your husband?

Original poster
smokeyrobinsom · 22/01/2022 08:07

Ah I had a big old name change fail in the midst there. No, not trying to avoid my husband at all! Not sure how you came to that conclusion.

OP posts:
Ovenaffray · 22/01/2022 08:08

Well it sounded to be like you were when you said he sleeps in a different room and doesn’t sleep with her I thought that meant you and he were sleeping apart.

SmartCar · 22/01/2022 08:09

Honestly if that's the only thing you feel guilty about being a parent then you are doing a fantastic job. You need to unwind too. I see no issues with it at all. Like people smoke heavily around thier kids and they turn out fine

DishwashDogsDickens · 22/01/2022 08:09

You’re not a bad mum
Once a week smoke and drink in reasonable amounts sounds fine
Co sleeping is fine
Hugging without coat sounds fine

You don’t sound happy though
Are you ok ?

Baconking · 22/01/2022 08:09

Double name change fail ConfusedGrin

Just10moreminutesplease · 22/01/2022 08:13

You sound like a fantastic mum. Your husband should be on duty on your night off. Everyone needs a break sometimes Flowers.

I don’t think you need anyone to tell you that smoking is bad for you. But once a week in the garden doesn’t make you a bad mum.

JuniorMint · 22/01/2022 08:13

I hate when you have a name change fail and you report it to MNQ and all they do is delete the message but it still says “message withdrawn at user’s request” with the user name at the top! So when people have said “you’ve had a name change fail OP” and then there’s that deleted message, it’s quite obvious and you can see the OP’s other name anyway.

Thatsplentyjack · 22/01/2022 08:13

You're not awful! That's perfectly fine. Enjoy your wine and your fags. Does your husband never join you?

Thatsplentyjack · 22/01/2022 08:15

@Russell19

So you're using the excuse of co sleeping to avoid your husband?
What's that got to do with anything. Looks like it's the OPs husband that's decided to sleep elsewhere so his choice surely? Why do you care where he sleeps anyway?
Heronwatcher · 22/01/2022 08:15

No YANBU and 1 hug a week from someone who has been smoking is very unlikely to do any harm. However your message does sound like you’re at breaking point. Why do you have the monitor- is your DH working? Are you happy with the co-sleeping (do you get enough sleep), if not maybe it’s time to stop? It’s difficult but parenting has to work for everyone or it’s just not going to work- if you try to be perfect with no support eventually you’ll snap.

Thatsplentyjack · 22/01/2022 08:17

Who told you it's not OK OP?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 22/01/2022 08:20

A couple of fags on a Friday night and a bottle of wine is not neglectful.

If that's the way you chill out of a weekend, so be it.

You say you have a shower before bed, so there is no 3rd hand smoke.

Everyone needs a reprieve.

KilmordenCastle · 22/01/2022 08:30

If you don't smoke the rest of the week then why smoke on Fridays? You're not actually addicted. As a parent who really struggled to give up smoking I can't really understand why you'd choose to smoke when you're not addicted.

Having a chill out evening with a couple of glasses of wine once a week is no problem at all. I would imagine a lot of parents do this, I certainly do. I don't feel the need to list all of the reasons why I'm a good parent to justify it though. So what's going on OP? Either you're actually chain smoking and getting pass out drunk and minimising it on here to ease your guilt? Or someone is making you feel guilty for having a bit of down time once a week? What is the reason for posting?

schoolsoutforever · 22/01/2022 08:31

I don't see the problem at all. I think smoking in rooms with kids is not that great but if you are outside surely not a big issue at all. All the other things you mention sound like very attentive parenting.

PinkSyCo · 22/01/2022 08:38

You obviously think/know you’re not awful so what made you need reassurance? Something your DH said?

EishetChayil · 22/01/2022 08:41

Get a vape instead?

Less smelly, and better for your health.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 22/01/2022 08:55

Reading your post makes me think perhaps you need a better balance overall to be honest. It’s all very ‘I do this for my child’ rather than ‘we’ and you say that this Friday night habit is your only ‘me time’. Is your DH involved with childcare too? Is there something else you could do on Friday (or any other night) to make sure you’re getting your own time to break the smoking habit?

CatSpeakForDummies · 22/01/2022 09:31

Honestly, take the Friday night out the garden and go out then with your friends instead. You will have 10x as much fun. What you are doing now is a sort of unsatisfying proxy of fun bathed in guilt, go and have some actual fun and feel like a person (rather than a parent) again.

Also, talk (and listen) to your husband about the sleeping arrangements, it all sounds so stifling and too much for your DD.