Am I awful?

[SmokeyRobinsom]

I feed and clothe my child
I provide emotional well-being
I play inane and incessant games with them all the tome
I take them out to outdoor things and other events
They’ve had a holiday twice per year their whole life
I read to them daily
I send them to the best posible care when I’m working, after copious research
I foster relationships with other children and their parents for their sake
I practice very gentle parenting - no time out, firm nos when something isn’t safe but other than that try to understand the feeling and work it out
I have coslept for the last 4 years
I feel I have responded gracefully to their needs for the last 4 years
I yell maybe once every 8 weeks or less
They are a nice and well behaved child
But
Every Friday I drink wine, and smoke cigarettes, outside. . I put a monitor on and only go in as needed. Sometimes they hug me in the clothes I’ve smoked in.
Yes I know smoking is awful and will kill me.
My third hand smoke my kill my child
I shower before I retire to bed with them
Am I an awful mother?! I feel like I am because one night a week I am not beside her. Every other night i am. My husband has his own room and won’t sleep with her. But I think at 4 years old to be alone is ok? It’s just the smoking that’s bad? I don’t drink to be drunk, just a few drinks and a fag and listen to some music. It’s my only release and true me time of any week.

The OP reads like you're fishing for compliments on your devoted patenting but being treated like the centre of the universe and never being told no or having to entertain herself alone is going to do your DD more harm than the odd whiff of fag smoke. Your DH doesn't sound very happy either.

Smoking is bad for your health, but I feel it's become a bit of a health scapegoat nowadays. There are other lifestyle choices people make that are bad for health or risky but it's always smoking that people jump on.

If it's making you unhappy, perhaps look at why you need that release and what other things you could do instead to get the same sense of freedom.

But don't beat yourself up over a few fags on a Friday night - it's not the end of the world.

The OP reads like you're fishing for compliments on your devoted patenting but being treated like the centre of the universe and never being told no or having to entertain herself alone is going to do your DD more harm than the odd whiff of fag smoke. Your DH doesn't sound very happy either.

This. Also interesting that OP chooses to share a bed with her DD rather than her DH.

Is there a back story op as to why she doesn’t sleep in her own room and you and your husband together?

You are a wonderfull mother!