Who is reasonable to contact regarding safeguarding.

[marinas20061]

It breaks my heart to have to post this but I'm at a loss.

My friend suffers from manic depression and things have been getting significantly worse. She separated from her husband 6 years ago and met a new partner very quickly and was extremely happy with him. It was her decision to leave her ex but she was very unhappy when he moved on with a woman who is 15 years younger than them. The new wife is unkind to their two children (12 and 14) and since they got married the children refuse to stay with their father.

My friend and her partner split last year and her depression has been so much worse. I don't live close by but when I have been there, the house is filthy and there's no food in the cupboards. Her extended family are dismissive of her mental health problems and don't live close by so she isn't checked on often.

I haven't been in her home for three months now and she's avoiding my messages. They have several pets and the animals are now defecating all over the house and it isn't being cleaned up so they had a serious fly infestation. Her children do basic household tasks but they live in an isolated area and they are unable to pick up things like cleaning products and shampoo etc as no local shops. They love their mum very much and they worry about her a lot. She will stay in bed for days at a time.

The final straw for me is that her DD is having some sort of breakdown at 14. She is refusing to go to school a lot (I think because she doesn't want to leave her mum home alone) and suffering extreme anxiety because of all the changes in her home life plus the pandemic. She's not sleeping well and is having regular panic attacks.

My friend is not willing to engage in conversations about extra support and has completely withdrawn socially.

So my question is, who would it be reasonable to contact? DD is receiving some additional support at school because she's too unwell to attend classes and she is seen by a variety of school counsellors in the support base. DS also has frequent absences at 12 because he is concerned about leaving his mum some days.

I am loathed to contact her ex husband as he has started a new family with his new wife and sees his children infrequently. They won't go to his home and he isn't allowed in theirs (my friends rule, mostly due to the state of the house) so they go out for meals and day trips.

Or do I just keep my nose out?

I think I’d contact school as first point. The children may benefit from input from young carers but I think they’d need to be referred. I wouldn’t ignore.

You can contact police. She wont be in trouble but off the back of their visit, they can signpost her to other agencies who can step in. You will need to report a fear for welfare on your friends and her children. X

No, don't keep your nose out. That's how serious cases come about - when good people do nothing.

Contact the school. If there's a weblink use that, otherwise email the Safeguarding Officer, and Deputy Safeguarding Officer, with 'Safeguarding' in the title.

This looks like a case of neglect from the mother, and emotional abuse from the step.

When you email and get an acknowledgment, you have to follow up within a few days if you hear nothing about what they are doing.

Look up the Safeguarding policy of the school (it will be on their website) and find out who the other contacts are (the local authority contacts).

@CraftyGin

No, don't keep your nose out. That's how serious cases come about - when good people do nothing.

Contact the school. If there's a weblink use that, otherwise email the Safeguarding Officer, and Deputy Safeguarding Officer, with 'Safeguarding' in the title.

This looks like a case of neglect from the mother, and emotional abuse from the step.

When you email and get an acknowledgment, you have to follow up within a few days if you hear nothing about what they are doing.

Look up the Safeguarding policy of the school (it will be on their website) and find out who the other contacts are (the local authority contacts).

Do I need to contact under my real name and details?

If so, that's fine. My main concern is making sure the children are cared for. When she's well, she's a fantastic mother but she is very much lacking in support at the moment.

Do not contact the police just yet.
Make a referral to your local council MASH team (Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub) where you can share your concerns, especially in relation to yours fear about abuse with a social worker. They can then arrange an assessment with the family.

To add, while the school is a convenient place to report to because they can access multi agency teams, you can also refer direct to social services.

Here is a link to my LA - you can google your own (I put in adult social services referral). www.surreysab.org.uk/concerned-about-an-adult/#:~:text=The%20SSAB%20when%20to%20refer%20an%20adult%20for,refer%20to%20the%20ASC%20level%20of%20need%20toolkit.

Clicky

My closest friend has bipolar disorder and elements of this sound similar.

If I was seriously worried about the children, school would be my first port of call. They'll want to help, not get her in any trouble.

It doesn't sound like the ex husband is much support in general and if he's allowing his new wife to have so much influence over his relationship with his own children then I don't think he's the right person to involve.

It's more helpful, and you will know what is being done.

Please don't think of it as "keeping your nose out" - children's welfare, and that of vulnerable adults is absolutely everyone's business. Contact the children's school, and social services for the area your friend lives in.

You are a very kind friend and I hope she appreciates you when she is feeling better.

If ever unsure, you can always speak to the NSPCC helpline.
It is a safeguarding issue for the children because the Mum hasn't got the support she needs.

But the most direct way is to google MASH and the name of where you live, and contact them. MASH = Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub.

@susannag1978

My closest friend has bipolar disorder and elements of this sound similar.

If I was seriously worried about the children, school would be my first port of call. They'll want to help, not get her in any trouble.

It doesn't sound like the ex husband is much support in general and if he's allowing his new wife to have so much influence over his relationship with his own children then I don't think he's the right person to involve.

No, you're right about the ex husband. I'm aware that he has been involved in meetings with the school about their daughters mental health problems and he has told my friend its her fault for breaking up with her partner and disrupting their lives. He's not exactly supportive or proactive.

I imagine if school need to take any action he would be contacted but they'll at least be able to take the lead on the situation.

ring childrens services at the council.
they need help now. no wonder the girl is having a breakdown.
good luck.

NSPCC is a good shout. They can put you in contact with the correct agencies. The school is another good call. They may not be aware of what's going on at home. As a previous poster said anyone can report a safeguarding concern. Google your local authority.

With the correct support she can be that fantastic mum again. From what you have said it sounds like she is in need of help. Can you see her getting better without any help?

Best wishes to you both.

@JelloFish

NSPCC is a good shout. They can put you in contact with the correct agencies. The school is another good call. They may not be aware of what's going on at home. As a previous poster said anyone can report a safeguarding concern. Google your local authority.

With the correct support she can be that fantastic mum again. From what you have said it sounds like she is in need of help. Can you see her getting better without any help?

Best wishes to you both.

I know her illness means she has long periods of lows and I know she's been through this before and come out of the other side. The difference is she's always had another adult in the house to be able to help out with running the house when she's unwell.

I've written the email, I'll send it on Monday. I'm sending it to the school with MASH copied in.

I have named both children and what years they are in at school. I have stressed that both love their mother very much but I have concerns about neglect due to her current state of mind and the ongoing impact it is having on the children.

Realistically, what do we think the school could do? I'm assuming/hoping they'll want to be supportive.

Well done OP
Safeguarding is all our concerns
Likely they will be assessed for what support would benefit them

Wow this sounds exactly!! like my childhood with my mum. I wish someone who cared as you do reported our situation when I was younger because I didn't have a voice for me at the time and it would have saved me 15 years of hell to get to the stable place I am today.

@Themadcatparade

Wow this sounds exactly!! like my childhood with my mum. I wish someone who cared as you do reported our situation when I was younger because I didn't have a voice for me at the time and it would have saved me 15 years of hell to get to the stable place I am today.

The children adore their mother and she’s never ever unkind or wilfully neglectful. She’s going through such a rough patch just now and normally manages much better but I just can’t “wait it out” any longer.

I panicked and sent the email. Both the school and safeguarding have sent autoresponses saying emails will be dealt with on Monday.

I'm worried sick about how this will be handled. Will DC be called into headteachers office and quizzed about homelife? Will mum be spoken to first?

Bumping this incase anyone has any idea about my last couple of questions. I've barely slept.

I would have thought the school might already have an idea/ have involved the LA given the DDs emotional problems and school refusal. Surely they suspect something and will already have tried to talk to the DD and the mother. That's not to say you aren't right to report as more evidence is better but I don't think you should feel you alone have caused any action that follows.

Yes the school would usually speak to the DC in a supportive way I hope to give them a chance to talk about their home situation. That would be the safeguarding lead probably not the head at a secondary. they would also try to contact the parent to discuss and get their side of the story and they will get a social worker involved to investigate further given the severity I would have thought.

The other thing is does your friend have any help for herself if she has bipolar and is really low? Does she have a CPN or care co ordinator or at least does her GP know? If she has any of those maybe you could call them up and express your concerns for her if you have contact details. Or in our area you could call 111 option 2 for mental health emergency
Ideally this would be with her consent but even without you could call and ask for her to be seen. They could not tell you anything without consent but nothing to stop you giving information.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I would have thought the school might already have an idea/ have involved the LA given the DDs emotional problems and school refusal. Surely they suspect something and will already have tried to talk to the DD and the mother. That's not to say you aren't right to report as more evidence is better but I don't think you should feel you alone have caused any action that follows.

Yes the school would usually speak to the DC in a supportive way I hope to give them a chance to talk about their home situation. That would be the safeguarding lead probably not the head at a secondary. they would also try to contact the parent to discuss and get their side of the story and they will get a social worker involved to investigate further given the severity I would have thought.

DD has had extreme anxiety from a young age and has always received additional support at the school but I think it might be assumed the recent 'flare up' is due to covid. She has OCD and the disruption to routine not to mention fear of germs has been a huge concern for her and I suspect the focus of all care will be on this rather than the additional home elements.

I don't know which GP surgery she is at. She's been classed as 'stabilised' on her meds for a long time and her check ins are less frequent. It's more health checks to make sure the meds aren't having a major effect on her organs. She definitely wouldn't give me permission to speak to anyone on her behalf at the moment.

I don't know what I'm preparing for tomorrow. To hear nothing, to have her call me hysterically because SW have been in touch or for an accusation that it was me that made contact. I'm a wreck.

@marinas20061

I panicked and sent the email. Both the school and safeguarding have sent autoresponses saying emails will be dealt with on Monday.

I'm worried sick about how this will be handled. Will DC be called into headteachers office and quizzed about homelife? Will mum be spoken to first?

Don't worry OP, I know this is easy for me to say.

The DC might be spoken to, but it won't be an interrogation. They will be spoken to by staff who know them - probably the safeguarding lead but if there's deputy safeguarding staff who have a good relationship with them they will most likely to do it. With children disclosing troubling information about their home lives they will be treated gently and kindly I promise.

The school will probably already be aware of some of what you have said already and they will be grateful that someone is adding to the picture of things they know about the children and their family.

You are a really good friend, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.