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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I don't want our lives dictated anymore by this?

46 replies

BadDogCujo · 21/01/2022 11:50

Long story short me and H are separating and discussing contact arrangements with our DC. He has DC from a previous relationship.

My husband's older DC have no set contact arrangement. It changes week on week depending on exes shifts for that week. My stbeh wants our DC to stay on the nights that DSC stay so they can see each other.

This would mean their contact would always be changing as well based around their siblings parents work shifts Confused

He thinks this is best because it allows them to continue their sibling relationship undisturbed which I appreciate but it also means our lives continuing to be dictated by this ever changing schedule and I don't want that.

AIBU to insist he should have set days for our DC and not really care whether that falls on the same days he has his older children? It doesn't actually affect me much work wise either way but I'd feel like I was still enthralled in it all and I want to be able to plan out my week appropriately.

YABU - sibling contact is more important so your DCs contact should be flexible too.

YANBU - contact with our DC should be fixed regardless of exes older DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadDogCujo · 21/01/2022 11:57

I don't think my OP was massively clear. It's my husbands ex wife (so older DCs mother) that works shifts not H. He works a normal 9-5 Mon - Fri so could have set contact with our DC.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 11:57

Tell him no! You and your child deserve stability. You can't live the rest of your life week by week to suit your ex's ex!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/01/2022 11:59

It would mean that they have the opportunity to get one on one time together, which is something your DC have always had with him in the same home - so I'd push that angle as being good for him and the DC and likely be good for the eldest as well.

dreamingbohemian · 21/01/2022 11:59

I think YANBU. How old are your DC? They will be going through a lot right now and stability is important, I think it would be very unsettling for them to have things change all the time.

Surely their visits will overlap enough for them to keep up a relationship with siblings.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 21/01/2022 11:59

When my ex and I first split he insisted on contact on his days off work, which changed weekly, despite my work schedule, and the childcare I had to pay for.

Eventually I put a stop to it and said he had to have set days because I was a working parent too.

He stopped seeing them altogether then enlisted the help of a solicitor.

The solicitor told him if he wanted to take it to court then he would get the set contact I wanted and not just at his convenience.

Since then he amazingly managed to get every second weekend off work and see them.

I would definitely recommend putting your foot down about this, your schedule shouldn't have to run to whatever is going on in his life. You no longer have to facilitate his schedule, you're not together anymore.

dreamingbohemian · 21/01/2022 12:00

Do you think your ex is just trying to have the kids all on the same days so he has plenty of child-free time?

Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 12:03

WTF - no way.

I can see why you're separating if he expects that this would be anything except a total laugh in your face situation.

Ask him whether in a million years he would wait to plan any evenings/outings/stuff with any of his dc until he was told what shifts your new partner was working that month.

Yeah right.

It's up to him to manage the contact times for all his dc, and his decision on how best to arrange his time so that he can parent the best way he can, whilst respecting everyone's individual needs.

Maybe if he'd done that already, you wouldn't be separating and he wouldn't be looking at having to manage another set of these responsibilities alone - just a guess there...

Tell him if he wants to maximise contact overlaps so that he has the maximum free time for himself wants all his children to share contact times for the sake of their relationship, then he needs to finally fix a contact schedule with his ex. Like everyone else on the planet.

Original poster
BadDogCujo · 21/01/2022 12:05

The solicitor told him if he wanted to take it to court then he would get the set contact I wanted and not just at his convenience.

He has actually always wanted set contact but thought a court wouldn't agree to it with a shift working co parent. He never actually looked into it though unsurprisingly.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 12:05

@BadDogCujo

The solicitor told him if he wanted to take it to court then he would get the set contact I wanted and not just at his convenience.

He has actually always wanted set contact but thought a court wouldn't agree to it with a shift working co parent. He never actually looked into it though unsurprisingly.

Well now he's going to have to!
Original poster
BadDogCujo · 21/01/2022 12:06

@dreamingbohemian

Do you think your ex is just trying to have the kids all on the same days so he has plenty of child-free time?
Maybe... Although he does have 50:50 with his older DC as it is and I suspect this is what he will want with our DC though I'd prefer less personally.
OP posts:
Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 12:07

And you watch how quickly he does that when faced with the possibility of having children with him, and him alone, almost every weekend and possibly (on her side) without much notice...

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 21/01/2022 12:11

@BadDogCujo

The solicitor told him if he wanted to take it to court then he would get the set contact I wanted and not just at his convenience.

He has actually always wanted set contact but thought a court wouldn't agree to it with a shift working co parent. He never actually looked into it though unsurprisingly.

Sounds like laziness on his part because he had you there to help.

His arrangements with his ex aren't your problem anymore.

Your only concern is your children and your life so you have to do the best thing by them, and you.

He's going to have to go to court for set contact with his other kids if its a problem for him.

Its ridiculous to expect your life to work around your the schedule of your exes ex.

Skeumorph · 21/01/2022 12:11

Ok if it's 50:50, then it makes more sense - it WOULD be sensible for all 3 parties to have 50% 'free' each.

If your child is pretty young though and you don't want 50-50, and if the other side is going to be a pain about fixing contact, you could use it to your advantage.

50:50 - fixed, nothing else. You can't do 50-50 on a random changing set of shifts. Total bloody admin nightmare, clubs, free time, everything. Not reasonable at all (I assume it's caused havoc for you already, while you were with him).

Every other weekend and once in the week? - Ah, now that's different. If we settle on that, then I can be a LOT more flexible within reason. We'd have to fix a certain amount, but yes, I could change midweek arrangements so that X could see their siblings, if it didn't mean upending half a week's plans.

You think he'd go for that? Checkmate...

AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2022 12:14

YANBU you will never be able to make plans for yourself if you allow this. You're separating you don't have to live that way anymore

HugeAckmansWife · 21/01/2022 12:15

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to have set days and really 50/50 is fair so I hope that if he wants that and steps up to do it properly that you don't stand in its way. Beyond that it's 100% on him to figure out the other side. It's not even his shifts but his exes.

NewYearNewMinty · 21/01/2022 12:19

If it changes weekly with no notice that's bonkers and would drive me nuts.

When we were still together and DD was small he worked moving shifts but we had a terms worth at a time which wasn't too bad to work around.

Weekly would be horrific

FrazzledY9Parent · 21/01/2022 12:20

YANBU. I am in a similar situation (except I am the first 'ex'). It's really important that you work out an arrangement that works for YOU - you don't have to mirror the existing arrangements with his other DC. My DC's sibling has 50:50 contact with their father - mine spends less time with him.

Original poster
BadDogCujo · 21/01/2022 12:21

The reason I'm not so keen on 50:50 is that our DC is only 18 months old. He's never once done anything like dropped her off at nursery because he has to commute to work (don't we all?!) Etc.. he's not a hugely hands on parent. Imo he has 50:50 for show more than anything else.

It wouldn't even surprise me if he still expected me to do everything like nursery drop offs (I can with my work thankfully) and pick ups even on his days and even if not I don't want a 18 month old going to nursery at 7am every day when I'm there and she could be with me Sad

I'm sure he'll push for that because it makes him feel like a good parent but in reality I genuinely believe it would be much more stable and secure if she spent majority time with me.

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 21/01/2022 12:22

Don’t do this just to suit some other woman, why should you? It’s her choice to work shifts. She clearly doesn’t care if her kids she your kids so why should you have to be the one to facilitate it? If you agree to this now then you’re stuck with it for years.

neverbeenskiing · 21/01/2022 12:28

YANBU in the slightest! Ridiculous of him to think that his ex's working hours are still you're problem now you're no longer together. You and your DC are entitled to stability. I work with kids and although I recognise that it's a challenge for parents who work shifts, ad hoc contact arrangements that change from week to week are really difficult for DC IME.

gsaoej · 21/01/2022 12:30

What he means is that he can only be bothered to look after the kids in one big blob.

HangOnToYourself · 21/01/2022 12:32

You need to be able to make plans for your life, both when you do and do not have children. How can you possibly plan family holidays and arrangements with friends this way? And what about when you start dating again and you are potentially trying to work around someone else's schedule who also has kids, it's a nightmare even with set schedules sometimes.
He shouldnt have everything to his convenience, his contact with his child is just that, it's not about accommodating his wider family.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2022 12:33

@gsaoej

What he means is that he can only be bothered to look after the kids in one big blob.
Exactly. He's afraid he's not going to have free time (or enough free time) for himself, I doubt it has anything to do with him worrying about the children spending time together
AffIt · 21/01/2022 12:35

If your ex has his children 50/50, will there be a number of days which are relatively universal?

I'm afraid I have no experience of children or divorce/custody, so I'm just guessing here, but would it be usual for a court to award 50/50 residency for such a young child, particularly if he's not particularly hands-on?

Would the compromise not be that your ex has your child for, say, two days a week that overlap with the contact time with the step-siblings?

Fundamentally, I agree that your life should not be made chaotic.

(The cynical part of me is also wondering how long it'll be before this fella has a third part-time family to juggle...)

Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 12:35

I doubt a judge would expect your life to be run by his exes schedule!
Keep a diary of who does what for your dd.