AIBU to say I don't want our lives dictated anymore by this?

[BadDogCujo]

Long story short me and H are separating and discussing contact arrangements with our DC. He has DC from a previous relationship.

My husband's older DC have no set contact arrangement. It changes week on week depending on exes shifts for that week. My stbeh wants our DC to stay on the nights that DSC stay so they can see each other.

This would mean their contact would always be changing as well based around their siblings parents work shifts

He thinks this is best because it allows them to continue their sibling relationship undisturbed which I appreciate but it also means our lives continuing to be dictated by this ever changing schedule and I don't want that.

AIBU to insist he should have set days for our DC and not really care whether that falls on the same days he has his older children? It doesn't actually affect me much work wise either way but I'd feel like I was still enthralled in it all and I want to be able to plan out my week appropriately.

YABU - sibling contact is more important so your DCs contact should be flexible too.

YANBU - contact with our DC should be fixed regardless of exes older DC.

I'd go for set times, on the general basis that they'd be seeing their siblings some of the time when the shifts work out.

If you find that's not happening, that's the time to look for suitable alterations. Having flexibility over holidays wouid be good, as then he can take all the siblings together and I think that should be facilitated

Also, if you have a basic (set) arrangement that works, it'll be easier for you to be flexible when that wouid benefit the DC (and once you know he's not just taking the mick)

Hell no. He needs to facilitate a relationship with their siblings but all children also deserve some unique access too. If one set are constantly changing that's out of your control, but as much stability and routine as can be arranged is important AND it's clear there will be contact when the others are there.

@gsaoej

What he means is that he can only be bothered to look after the kids in one big blob.

I was coming on here to post exactly the same. Is he seriously telling the truth that he wants all the children to have an "undisturbed" relationship? Honestly, sounds like he wants it done in one fell swoop so he can get his "days off". Your DC's relationship with their father takes precedence over their relationship with their step siblings. There will surely be overlap at times anyway. It's seriously not unreasonable to have set days - with a little flexibility on occasion where appropriate.

I think you should fix a pattern, and then consider requests for extra time to coincide with siblings.
So maybe fix it at way under 50:50 and be flexible with the rest (and I bet he doesn't take you up on it when it comes to getting several kids out of the house in the morning before work!)

YANBU - it would be perverse for your life to be dictated by the shift patterns of your Ex's Ex.

The courts aren't going to decree 50:50 for an 18-month-old unless the care has always been 50:50 before you split such that the child is used to that. Children need stability and an 18-month-old is not going to be happy being separated from their primary caregiver for half the time.

The decisions need to be what is in the best interests of your child. Not your Ex's other kids - they aren't your responsibility. It could well be in their best interests to move to a fixed schedule but that's none of your business.

EOW plus one midweek evening would be much more suitable and the other siblings will be around some of the time, and at other times your child will get some valuable 1:1 time with dad so that's not bad at all.

Depends on how accommodating you want to be. I'm sure there'll be other battles to fight. An element of inconvenience on your part to ensure the sibling relationship remains healthy might be what's needed, but if you're not happy with that, then pursue set times.

I was already in the “fuck that shit” camp before I saw your DC is only 18 months !!

What’s best for your DC is stability and routine. Routine routine routine.

18 months is too young for 50/50, I would fight that, it could result in all sorts of emotional and attachment issues, especially if its inconsistent contact. 2.5yrs is considered the minimum for a child to have developed secure attached to their primary caregiver which is essential for healthy development.
www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/mental-health-needs/attachment-and-child-development/
www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html
Id

How old are the older DC? I’d be wondering whether he was planning on getting them to help look after his 18 month old and also facilitate plenty of alone time for him.

His issues with his older kids and his exes schedule are no longer your problem. An 18 month old needs routine and stability, not to change their schedule every week.

Well if he has his older DCs 50/50 and that's always changing, by the law of averages some of their time is going to overlap whether planned or not.

But agree with the pp to leverage this. I'm assuming you want more than 50/50 more than you want to be fixed, so getting more time by giving more flex might be useful?

Also don't be mugged off into giving every weekend - then you end up paying all the nursery fees and getting no fun time with your DC.

If he’s anything like my ex, he’ll be wanting that arrangement so that he has more free time.

He’ll be using the ‘It’s good for the kids’ excuse to manipulate you.

of course he would want all the kids at the same time, it means he definitely gets a child free weekend. I would not let my life be dictated to by his ex shift pattern. You have set dates agreed that he has rhen and that is that. Of he's not done much parenting of your 18 month old he will have to learn. Having kids by two different women always left open the chance of him being in this type of scenario.Can you imagine having to explain to a new partner that you couldn't go away for a weekend without confirming your ex's ex partners shift pattern to see if he was having your dd or not? Nope, he will have to work harder to ensure they have a sibling relationship and you could be gracious in inviting them over to birthday parties at yours etc.

It would actually be better for all involved if there are days when the kids are together and days when they aren't. They'd get time together and time alone with their dad. So set contact for your kids and changing contact for the others is best.

YANBU. His other children might not want to spend every visit to their Dad with your DC. They might like some time on their own with him.

I would want consistency do I knew which nights I had DC and which nights exh had DC. They will get to see your ex sometimes on their own but other times see their half siblings. Best of both worlds.

You could offer him every other weekend and 2 nights midweek. So 2/5

I also think he wants child free time and thinks that having them all together means he will get this.

Also if youngest is 18 months I imagine he will expect older siblings to help him out.

I wouldn't send them at random times. They need a set routine. I would also wonder why he's suggesting 50/50 & would expect he's trying to avoid paying maintenance. I think at 18 months mine would have been fine with DH but if your DH isn't very hands on I can't see it working too well.

Yanbu

You and your child need and deserve stability.

The dc are bound to co incide some of the time so will still have that relationship. It’s probably just that he wants more completely free nights in total

I voted YABU simply as you’ve said it doesn’t affect your work or anything and it would mean some normality to your child after their parents have separated.

I personally would give it a trial for say 6 months. If it doesn’t work out then tell him you need more fixed dates - as your DC gets older and goes to school it would be better for them to have set days anyway.

How old are his older kids? Will they realistically want to spend much time with an 18 mo?

Sounds very much like it's for his benefit rather than theirs. They'll be expected to 'help out'