To ask if you feel ‘integrated in your local community’?

[HelloKittyGirl]

Whatever the hell that even means.

I ask because we moved to a new area literally days before lockdown 1 began. Hence I’ve also used that as an excuse for not having got to know anyone locally, other than the immediate neighbours who are lovely but at very different life stages.

Now that things have returned to relative normal I’m wondering if I was just being stupid and kidding myself as I’m not even really sure how I’d meet people round here anyway! We’re on the edge of London and there its mostly commuters whose social networks are probably primarily based around work. It’s not The Archers or Postman Pat.

Definitely

Live in a wonderful villiage, large enough to still be diverse, small enough to get that close knit community.

I'm also very close with our neighbours, we are in a private close so only 10 houses on the street and all gather regularly for social events, babysitting is on a rota, we all look out for each others homes when away etc.

You get out what you put in; that's my experience. The more effort you make the better things will become

We moved here (from abroad) in the middle of a lockdown about a year ago — formerly prestigious area on edge of city centre, now rather crumbling and with big Regency and Victorian houses in rental flats, inhabited by academics and medics because of proximity to hospitals and university. To be honest, no, I don’t feel integrated yet, though the seeds are definitely there. We’ve only been inside one neighbour’s house because of restrictions, and ours is still a building site so we haven’t had anyone inside, and most of the people I know to talk to have been met on the school run or taking DS trick or treating.

I'm not convinced The Archers or Postman Pat type communties really exist in real life. I've lived in rural villages all my life and always dreamt of walking into the village shop or the local pub and instantly knowing people and it's never happened in reality. Yes, I know my neighbours but that's never normally a good match (difference in age/values etc), and I'm involved in a couple of village activities, but 98% of the village wouldn't have a clue who we are. It's easier when you have young children and a local school, but as I think as a nation, we're not naturally sociable and welcoming to newcomers and it's v hard to break into established communities. The way I've made a few friends is to get to know people on an individual basis through the village activities I joined. Good luck!

@TearifficTaz

Definitely

Live in a wonderful villiage, large enough to still be diverse, small enough to get that close knit community.

I'm also very close with our neighbours, we are in a private close so only 10 houses on the street and all gather regularly for social events, babysitting is on a rota, we all look out for each others homes when away etc.

You get out what you put in; that's my experience. The more effort you make the better things will become

I have to say that definitely wasn’t my experience of village life — we spent eight years doing all the right things (volunteering, getting involved in activities, supporting local businesses, had a child in the village school, campaigned to retain the bus service, were generally friendly) and zilch back. I concluded that in an insular place, if your face doesn’t fit it just doesn’t fit.

I live in a similar pet of the word, it’s semi rural lots of clusters of villages on the edge of a big city.

There is the usual groups of SHAPs with younger children, most SAHPs round here are on extended maternity so are just taking 2 years off work.

And there is golf, horse riding or tennis, none of which I have bay interest in taking up!

Everyone is either commuting out to work or sat inside on their laptops, no real community at all unless you have young children or an (expensive) hobby. I don’t know any of my neighbours well enough to say more than hi!

@TearifficTaz how would a newcomer where you are get established? Just wondering seeing if I’m missing something cos I don’t think it’s like that here… yet maybe there are networks I don’t know about.

There’s a church but we’re not religious and I het the impression it’s an older demographic go as the local school is not associated with it. There are knitting and bridge groups advertised in the parish magazine embittered neither are really my thing if I’m honest and suspect also may attract an older demographic.

Arrgh, forgive my typing today. Sorry, masses of errors there and I e no idea where embittered came from. Definitely not a Freudian slip.

I do, definitely. Lovely neighbourhood - we know tons of people round here who we’ve met since moving to the area. Can’t do the school run without seeing numerous friendly faces and know the owners of the local cafes and whatnot. We’re in London.

I live on a single track road in a hamlet of around 40 houses in the NW, so you'd think so. But I live alone and don't have kids, so I'm actually viewed with suspicion by the women of the hamlet who seem to be convinced that I'm either planning on stealing their husbands (just no) or am "one of those lesbians" (I'm not). The day my new boyfriend turned up after 10 years of being single saw curtain twitching of epic proportions.

So I just keep to myself and socialise with my friends.

Yes, we moved here ( small town where we didn't know anyone) 5 years ago. Every time I go out - to the shops, park, cafés whatever - I see people I know, other parents or some of the people who run cafés and pubs, the people at the library, the shop assistants at the supermarkets. We moved here when my daughter was a baby so I made lots of friends through baby groups and going out for coffee. DH made friends through sport and just going to the pub for a quick pint.

Try out the church, or other churches near you. You can't really judge from the magazine as that will be produced by just a handful of people.

You don't need to be religious.

@HelloKittyGirl

Arrgh, forgive my typing today. Sorry, masses of errors there and I e no idea where embittered came from. Definitely not a Freudian slip.

I grew up in villages and personally didn't enjoy the vibe. So I left.

I've always lived in big towns and cities and I've found that the best way to root yourself* into a community is to do/join things where you've got something to fall back on to talk about if all other conversation fails. So: do a course, join a litterpick crew, be part of a community garden, that kind of thing. Because people are busy and not everyone is brilliant at smalltalk 100% of the time. But if you've got the thing you're all there to do to fall back on, there's always something to talk about.

And bit by bit, person by person, you become integrated into the community.

*all my Australian readers are probably giggling at that phrase

My experience mirrors that of @Farrandau. I've lived in lots of different places, and always believed that if you put yourself out there, you'd be part of the community in no time. What I hadn't taken into account was that we'd always lived in places where there was a fair contingent of incomers making a similar effort. It's a very different story where I am now, where they've known one another all their lives and if they have to go away, make strenuous efforts to return to the same streets. People appreciate what you do, sure, and they'll even invite you to occasional related social events, but it goes no deeper than that. They don't need it.

[quote HelloKittyGirl]**@TearifficTaz* how would a newcomer where you are get established? Just wondering seeing if I’m missing something cos I don’t think* it’s like that here… yet maybe there are networks I don’t know about.

There’s a church but we’re not religious and I het the impression it’s an older demographic go as the local school is not associated with it. There are knitting and bridge groups advertised in the parish magazine embittered neither are really my thing if I’m honest and suspect also may attract an older demographic.[/quote]
Being present in local events is a big one

The villiage I live in has events most weeks, making an effort to attend, get to know people, attending the big church services (Easter, Christmas etc.) there are fetes, scavenger hunts were done during lockdown so less in person interaction but a lot of encouragement on the local FB and WhatsApp pages.

Saying hello on your walks through, shopping locally, making an effort to speak to people you come across on walks and at the pub etc.

We only moved here a year before lockdown and honestly it's been amazing, the community has been a real savour for many during covid, everyone chipped in and volunteered to do deliveries for vulnerable people for example, parents took turns homeschooling each others children so most could maintain a normal working pattern if WFH etc.

I'm in a village and feel pretty integrated considering we moved a few months before Covid. I knew a few school mums, some of the neighbours, the staff in the village shop, among others.

We’ve lived in our town for 10 years, but I only really started feeling part of the community once we had DC and made local friends through NCT/nursery/school. Before that we socialised with friends after work in central London or out of town friends at weekend so didn’t really spend much time locally.

I live in a rural hamlet and have been here 15 years. Our immediate neighbours are lovely and we do now know some other people here. However, there is very much a divide between "incomers" and people who have been here for generations. It doesn't seem to matter what we do or don't do, we're never going to be as highly regarded as they are. We don't have a dog as we both work long hours (and we don't like them much) so we are perceived as "odd".

I'm fed up of Devon and can't wait to relocate back to my home city in the NW of England where the people are kind and friendly, there is a cheap and reliable public transport system and when you do have to drive, people keep to their own side of the road.

No.
Rent privately so there’s no point getting involved as your never somewhere long.
I did once, and it made the move 100x harder.

I think yes but that's a "yes I am as integrated as I want to be" so subjective. Having kids at school helped. For me it means recognising the staff in the local shops and being recognised occasionally, sometimes seeing people you know when wandering about and having a group you socialise with locally, attending a few local events (mainly linked to school) etc.

@TearifficTaz

Definitely

Live in a wonderful villiage, large enough to still be diverse, small enough to get that close knit community.

I'm also very close with our neighbours, we are in a private close so only 10 houses on the street and all gather regularly for social events, babysitting is on a rota, we all look out for each others homes when away etc.

You get out what you put in; that's my experience. The more effort you make the better things will become

I would absolutely hate that and find it very claustrophobic.

I am (even though I don't particularly want to be!). I have animals so always bump in to people when out walking/riding/checking my sheep. Do you have any local clubs (gardening, book club etc) or events (fete, Christmas bazaars etc) that you could attend/help with?

Err I'm not sure? I live in a (according to wiki) " Metropolitan Borough" with a population of around 20k. So it's small enough that lots of people know each other and if you go to the shops you'll almost definitely see someone you know. But it's not so small that literally everyone knows your business.

I would absolutely hate that and find it very claustrophobic

Me too, my mum lives in a village where everyone knows everyone else. It is good in some respects that she has nice neighbours who help her out and she helps people herself with lifts etc, but if you fall out with someone, oh dear. At least in a town or city it doesn't matter that much.

That said, I live in a town of about 40,000 and everyone seems to know everyone else so you still have to be careful what you say

Yes, in London.
To varying degrees, I know my neighbours in my block of flats, parents I've met through DCs' school/nurseries/baby groups, former neighbours, church, people I went to school with who are still localish. None of these are my proper 'friend' friends, but I feel integrated in my community and pass people I at least know to have a quick chat with every day.

I didn't really feel that at all pre children (coincidentally also pre church) though. I just saw lots of faceless people commuting alongside me and occasionally bumped into old school people. Children really made the difference both in providing the circumstances where I got to know more people locally and also making me feel as if I wanted to have that connection (previously I felt that I got all the interaction I needed through other means - now I feel that I want to be part of fostering a local community my children are growing up in).