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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday-do etiquette

34 replies

Birthdayfun · 20/01/2022 18:25

I wish to do small get together for DS birthday next month at a coffee shop that also offers light dishes (Mac and cheese /sandwiches /pancakes etc). Budget only allows me to do hot drink for the adult and food for the kids . On invite I’ll make it clear a hot drink each is on me for the parent and food for the kids . But, what do I do on the day if a parent tries to take advantage and says , for instance, “oh I’ll have some pancakes too actually , I didn’t get to eat a proper breakfast today “ or “can I see the proper menu please to the waiter “? I hope nobody would be that cheeky, but just thinking ahead ! Would you be silently disappointed and suck it up, ensuring you have extra cash ready just in case or would you apologise and somehow remind them of what is meant to be on you ? Personally I normally don’t like accommodating grabby behaviour, but I also don’t want to make it awkward when I’m supposed to be hosting! I appreciate maybe not everyone will think that would be cheeky behaviour!

OP posts:
ClariceQuiff · 20/01/2022 18:28

Could you just say to the waiter (if the person orders) 'That will need to go on a separate bill, please, as I'm only paying for the children's party.'

PotteringAlong · 20/01/2022 18:30

If you go to a cafe you completely cannot stop the adults ordering what they like, but you don’t have to pay for it. Just ask for a bill for the children’s food separately.

As an aside, how old are they? Is there a reason you’re going to a cafe?

DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 18:33

Tell the cafe owners you'll only be paying for drinks and kids food.

trumpisagit · 20/01/2022 18:35

Why a cafe? Park and party food would be cheaper, easier and probably more fun for kids.

HollowTalk · 20/01/2022 18:36

You have to get the waiter on board with this. Will you be paying for the children's food in advance? That would make it easier as you can just say you're only paying for drinks.

Original poster
Birthdayfun · 20/01/2022 18:37

Oh that’s not bad ! Not sure if I can be that brave 😅 or can I? I wouldn’t mind too much if it’s only one parent doing it, but would find it hard if a few did it. Don’t want to appear tight as I’m friendly with all and our kids play often but can’t deviate from budget too far .

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayfun · 20/01/2022 18:41

It has a garden guys ! With a little slide and swing . Kids are 2-3 . I am considering the picnic idea too , this coffee shop idea is only worked out slightly more pricey than picnic and thought it would be a nice vibe /less work

OP posts:
Poppop4 · 20/01/2022 18:42

I wouldn’t provide anything for the adults if I’m honest.
I’d put on the invite that food is provided for children and leave it at that.
I wouldn’t go to a kids party and expect to be catered for myself

Readeatcake · 20/01/2022 18:42

Can you send a menu with the invites and ask prior to tick a meal for the child and a hot drink for themselves.

Then when you go to the cafe, go up order all the food and drinks and pay.

Dizzyhedgehog · 20/01/2022 18:43

Not a cafe, but we went to our local play centre. They do offers for the kids with food and you can put everything else on your table's card. I told the parents beforehand that there would be snacks and food, drinks and ice cream for the kids. I wasn't sure about the adults. (We had never been before when I booked it.)
Once we were there and I knew what to do, I did offer to the parents that they could just get stuff and put in on the table's account...but that was my choice.
I think if you let them know beforehand, it shouldn't be a problem.
DS is going to a party at a museum this weekend. The parents have been told they are welcome to wait in the cafe. I fully expect to pay for entry and any food or drink myself.

Clymene · 20/01/2022 18:45

I would take their orders. So then you pay for the kids and the parents' drinks in one hit and then they will sort any extras themselves.

KatherineofGaunt · 20/01/2022 18:45

Don't mention drinks are on you beforehand. When they get there ask them if you can get them a hot drink.

NoKnit · 20/01/2022 18:46

I wouldn't bother with a party at all for a 2 or 3 year old under the current conditions. They don't really know what a birthday party is so why go to the effort. Balloons and muffins with smarties at home is party enough at that age

Blossomtoes · 20/01/2022 18:47

@trumpisagit

Why a cafe? Park and party food would be cheaper, easier and probably more fun for kids.
It’s bloody February!
slashlover · 20/01/2022 18:49

Are you booking the cafe, or at least prewarning them that you'll be going?

ClariceQuiff · 20/01/2022 18:50

@Poppop4

I wouldn’t provide anything for the adults if I’m honest. I’d put on the invite that food is provided for children and leave it at that. I wouldn’t go to a kids party and expect to be catered for myself
Yes, this is a very good point. Drinks for the parents will muddy the waters. You're less likely to have a misunderstanding if it's strictly only the children you're buying for.
LittleMissTake · 20/01/2022 18:51

Ok a bit of a hassle but when faced with similar I paid in advance and issued vouchers on the day - child’s meal and drink voucher per child and hot drink voucher per adult. Made it clear to the venue nothing else to be added to the bill.

billy1966 · 20/01/2022 18:58

@Poppop4

I wouldn’t provide anything for the adults if I’m honest. I’d put on the invite that food is provided for children and leave it at that. I wouldn’t go to a kids party and expect to be catered for myself
This.

Spell out to the staff EXACTLY what you will pay for, as in, agree an amount.

Then when the parents are all seated, IF you wish, ask "tea or coffee?".

Go and place the drinks order and pay for the adult drinks separately.

Take control.
Articulate clearly to the staff what you will pay for.

Doing this in advance prevents drama.

At a party years ago that a friend of mine gave for her child, she warned the staff that she was paying for 20 children only and would not entertain any add ons that THEY allowed in.
She gave them a list of names.
She was told afterwards that 3 parents tried to leave an extra child (she had heard about a previous parent getting caught out and was prepared).

She was spending £300, more than enough for a 6 year olds party.

billy1966 · 20/01/2022 19:00

@LittleMissTake

Ok a bit of a hassle but when faced with similar I paid in advance and issued vouchers on the day - child’s meal and drink voucher per child and hot drink voucher per adult. Made it clear to the venue nothing else to be added to the bill.
That is also an excellent suggestion if you agree a price in advance.

You could very easily make up some vouchers and give them out as they arrive.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/01/2022 19:02

Is it order at the desk or table with a bill at the end? If the latter I'd speak to the cafe about this in advance and see what they suggest.

Original poster
Birthdayfun · 20/01/2022 19:06

Thanks guys, it’s typically a case of order at desk and paying at the end ! Only issue I can think of paying in advance is if some kids don’t turn up . This is all helpful though , helping me think of options ☺️

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 20/01/2022 19:08

Thing is, the responses above are all fine for the parents/budgets viewpoint. But what about the cafe? Is it the kind of cafe that is fine with 2 seats being taken (parent plus child) and then only food for the child ordered? Round my way, I think they'd hit the roof! It's actually for the cafe that I think you should offer the parent a coffee.

Also...you might need to watch out for/have a plan for the family that will bring along siblings, grandparents, both parents etc

Kshhuxnxk · 20/01/2022 19:17

@arethereanyleftatall

Thing is, the responses above are all fine for the parents/budgets viewpoint. But what about the cafe? Is it the kind of cafe that is fine with 2 seats being taken (parent plus child) and then only food for the child ordered? Round my way, I think they'd hit the roof! It's actually for the cafe that I think you should offer the parent a coffee.

Also...you might need to watch out for/have a plan for the family that will bring along siblings, grandparents, both parents etc

Kind of this - depending on the size of the cafe they might lose a bit of trade if theres a kids party. I know I wouldn't be bothered going in if it looked like that was going on. Why don't you just have a little something at home?
Suzanne999 · 20/01/2022 19:21

@Poppop4

I wouldn’t provide anything for the adults if I’m honest. I’d put on the invite that food is provided for children and leave it at that. I wouldn’t go to a kids party and expect to be catered for myself
I’d do this. No blurred lines then.
drpet49 · 20/01/2022 19:33

** I wouldn’t provide anything for the adults if I’m honest.
I’d put on the invite that food is provided for children and leave it at that.
I wouldn’t go to a kids party and expect to be catered for myself**

^This