To not want to leave a 2 year old with a babysitter they dont know?

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Friend thinks IABU to not ever want to leave 2 year old with a babysitter who is a complete stranger to them. Eg an agency sitter etc, gym creche with random staff. Friend thinks I am being a "martyr".

AIBU?

FWIW 2 yr old in question reasonably often wakes around 10 or 11pm. Settles quickly but would be terrified if there was only a stranger there.

To avoid drip feed:
I have an older DC aged 5 and in recent months have felt they are old enough to be on with this - as they dont wake at night and in any case are used to going to swimming lessons etc without a parent, and would understand what was going on if it was explained to them.

I wouldn't do it, but I don't judge those who do - it's just not something I'd feel comfortable with, as I wouldn't want my child to be confused and upset.

When I had children I discovered that when someone calls a mother a martyr, the mother is invariably doing what works for them, but doesn't suit the other adult accusing them of martyrdom.

Its a profound and deliberate misunderstanding of the word martyr.

Actually what the person wants to say is "How dare you not do what I want because you care more about your child and yourself than about what I want you to do!"

I think it's useful to be able to go out before a child is 5 as that is a very long time to never go out. I totally udnerstand why you wouldn't want to leave a 2 year old iwth someone they don't know - but obviously it's possible to build up trust with local teenagers/ babysitters which I did try to do with my kids. So - you aren't wrong, but personally I think it's important to be able to go out sometimes in the evening so I would make an effort to use someone sometimes so they were there as backup.

Also not sure why you talk about them waking and being shocked - they can meet them before going to sleep!

It's your child, do whatever you want, but everyone is a stranger to start with aren't they?

But if your regularly leave them in a gym crèche after the first time they're not strangers anymore. If you regularly use an agency sitter, they're only a stranger the first time.

I do agree that it's bad form to leave a child at night with someone they've never met before though. I would always have the sitter arrive in time to do bedtime with them/you so that they know who it is if/when they wake later.

Untilyournexthair, not at all, it doesn't affect me whether strangers on the Internet can't go out, I just dont get people complaining about it when it's easy to solve

It's a bit strange but you do you.

As long as you're not going round saying 'oh I have no childcare' like people on here do all the time, when they what they actually mean is ' I choose to not leave my children with anyone else.'

I don't agree with this at all.

If I left my DC (who are much older than OP's) with a stranger they would be terrified, become very anxious, lose trust in me and it would cause issues for weeks, probably months / years. There are only a small number of specific adults they know who we can ask to babysit and even that is rare because the fallout is massive and they can only babysit infrequently due to their schedules.

We are considering looking at paying a babysitter to come while we are here so they can get the meet the children and form a bond with them over several sessions, then we would be able to ask them to babysit. This of course would be really costly and not that convenient.

YOU might be lucky enough to have DC who can cope with being left with strangers, try to remember other children have challenges with stuff like this whether through having brains that work differently, mental health issues, attachment issues due to adoption or loss of a parent etc.

Depends on the child.

I personally would never have anyone to babysit at night who wasn't very well known to my child. She is prone to stir at around 10pm and would be utterly distraught if a stranger went in to settle her.

If, however, she was a rock solid sleeper or totally happy with strangers then I might consider it.

I think a better question is why you’d need to use a stranger? Surely you have local sitters or teenagers who you can introduce to your child in the day time and then when you need to use them for babysitting they won’t be a stranger? I’d also ask them to come before bed time so the child saw them whilst they were awake and didn’t get a “shock” if they woke up

I wouldn't be able to do it with my DC. My 18mo stirs around 10ish and goes straight back down for us but God knows how she would react to a complete stranger in the house. My 4yo would be better as they attend nursery but I still wouldn't like to think of them waking up.

So YANBU. You're also allowed to say you have no childcare because you don't have suitable (for your DC) options.

I'm all up for someone they are familiar with, building a relationship with etc and have a teen who does it every now and again for some money but anything else wouldn't work for us at the moment.

On here it always seems so binary. We don't have family on tap to babysit so we do use babysitters but not total strangers. We use nursery staff or our cleaner who knows the kids well.

YANBU if that's not your thing, but YABU to judge others who think differently. Lots of parents don't any family support for childcare, this might be their only chance to take a little break every once in a while.

I work in an agency as an emergency nanny / ad hoc babysitter, I've worked with literally hundreds of children. Some are super friendly with new people and don't care at all that their parents are leaving, others need a bit more time to get used to the idea. Ultimately, parents will know best how their children will react. You could for example, start the sit earlier so the child can meet the b.sitter beforehand then put them to bed yourself and leave. Or you could build up with a few sessions, so they're not complete strangers. I've found most children actually really enjoy having babysitters. I mean, how often would they get an adult to play whatever they want with them? and rules are usually much more relaxed than normal!

It's personal preference, but I wouldn't do it either.

The only time I'd consider a qualified stranger to look after one of my children when that young would have been for an emergency, not for me to have a 'night off'.

I have an 18 month old. I'd never do it either.

As a professional nanny I do occasional babysitting for new families. You wouldn't believe how many of them aren't bothered about me meeting the children beforehand. I always make it known that I'm happy to meet them beforehand (with no cost to the family) not least because the child will have seen my face at least once. I've had situations of babies / toddlers waking up and being absolutely distraught that im a stranger. It's not nice. I obviously call parents but I've had some not want to come back because they are enjoying and I've eventually managed to get them back off. I'm obviously trained for all sorts of scenarios and 99% of the time it all goes smoothly but no matter what training you have, some children aren't OK with strangers.

Not at 2, I wouldn’t have. But each to their own!

In the daytime is different. The child either knows they're somewhere different (creche/gym) or they've met the person caring for them before they go down for a nap, and when they wake it's not new. I didn't hesitate to do that

But I wouldn't ask someone they didn't know to babysit at night. Waking up in the dark to find a stranger over their cot/bed? that's going to be pretty terrifying. Fortunately my mum friends and I would sit for each other when mine were small. So they were known to my kids.

I would never do that. The only people I've left my children with are family members who I trust can look after them properly or that can deal with watching them for half an hour in an emergency. I would never leave my kids with a babysitter off a website no matter what qualifications or checks they've had. It's often sneered at on here if you're not willing to leave your child with a stranger and you're called paranoid. Sorry but no fucking way.

This is really interesting as I'm in a similar but I'm getting pressure from my family to leave my children with a stranger babysitting them while we are on holiday next month.
I have never left them with someone they don't know, and I am absolutely not comfortable doing it, but they are all behaving like I'm crazy and it's a totally fine and normal thing to do.
Glad to read everyone else's attitude seems to match my own!

Well I’ve seen some parents asking for babysitters on local Facebook groups so honestly I’m not surprised some parents aren’t fussed if the child has met the person before..

Momicrone there is no reason to think the OP is complaining about not being able to go out though. She's complaining about being told she's a martyr.

Actually being a martyr would be making yourself and your children miserable/ anxious/ unhappy or messing up your sleep in order to meet demands made by another adult, or prove something (how relaxed you are, how you haven't changed since having children, how "in charge" or no nonsense you are) to that adult.

Sometimes it does matter psychologically to people what others do because they feel judged or undermined unless others make the same decisions as them.

On a more everyday level friends and acquaintances often want things their way and feel put out when others don't play along, whether that means getting a babysitter to go out like you did pre kids, or bringing grandchildren to late evening restaurant meal, or declining to visit someone who smokes in the house or has nippy, poorly trained dogs, or whatever else.

Ozanj

Sorry I think you've misunderstood me. No concerns with the safety/responsibility of the sitter, my concern is over my child being scared/upset by being left with someone they have never met.

I understand this happens when they first start in any childcare but usually its isolated to the initial settling period and within a few days they are settled with that childcare and it's no longer strange to them.

I'm talking about things like a sitters service or hotel babysitter where your child hasnt met the person before/barely knows them.

I never did it. I know plenty of people who did. They were happy to leave their child with people at gym and IKEA crèche facilities, or use local teenagers looking for cash for babysitting and were always happy to drop and run at parties. That's up to them. It wasn't something I was happy doing. I didn't judge them. I actually don't care if they judged me. I was just doing what I felt comfortable with and more importantly what my DD felt comfortable with.

Stick to your guns. If you don't want to leave your 2-year old with anyone then don't. Your friend is being very rude to call you a martyr.

Are you complaining about it? Why is your friend saying you are a martyr?

Nope not complaining! I have a regular babysitter, neighbours daughter who is a student, kids love her. Friend is wife of DH friend. Is complaining because her DH has moved his birthday drinks, we had had usual sitter booked but now its short notice on a different date, sitter isnt free and havent got any other friends the kids know or family free. I'm not willing to use an agency sitter they've never met, so i'll stay home with them. DH still going but friend thinks I'm being ridiculous and should just ring and get whoever from sitters.

I think you're being totally reasonable and sensible. You know your child best and how they will react.

I will only go out for the evening if I can leave my kids (2 and 4) with family or the staff they know well from nursery, as if they did wake in the night it's because something is wrong - and if that's the case they would want a familiar face.