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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to question friends new boundaries.

26 replies

vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 10:46

I have two children aged 6 and 9 and my best friend has a 13 and 15 year old.

My friend has had a nervous breakdown in the past year and I have gone above and beyond to support her. We were friends before lockdown but during lockdown we spend every day messaging and were in contact a lot. As restrictions eased we spent more time together in person and our children had many days out together and enjoyed each others company despite the age gap. When we would meet, we would greet each other with a hug and so did our children.

Her longterm partner left her and this is what sparked her breakdown. I went to her home the day he left and she was unable to get off the floor, sobbing hysterically. I put my arms around her and she clung onto me for dear life. I asked DH what I should do and he agreed I should stay the night. We had a lot of the house to pack up to remove her ex's belongings and I went to sleep in her bed and again, she cuddled into me crying.

Since then, we've had a very tactile relationship. My DH has remarked we're like sisters and he says its nice to see (as I have no siblings and he is close to his). I still stay with her occasionally at weekends and before bed her children will come and give me a hug goodnight. If she has childcare (our home is closer to her work) she'll stay in our spare room and my children always give her a cuddle on their goodnight rounds and she reciprocates.

She's been slightly 'off' for a few weeks now and isn't as responsive to messages but we planned to have lunch. She text me beforehand and told me that she's recently started seeing a therapist and that they're working on her dislike of touch and that she would appreciate if I didn't hug or touch her. I said that was absolutely fine and I would respect that. Our meeting was slightly awkward and when she went to take a picture of us, I didn't know if it was ok to put my arm around her which isn't something I would normally hesitate to do.

We have a day out planned in a couple of weeks with all four children and I'm wondering what to say to my kids regarding physical contact. I don't know if her no touching rule applies to my DC who she is very fond of. I don't know if they apply to her and her own children and whether its the same with my kids and her kids. Is it fair to ask and if so, how do you phrase that question?

For what its worth I'm not a particularly touchy feely person apart from with my children and husband as I am not close to my extended family at all and wasn't brought up like that.

OP posts:
susannag1978 · 20/01/2022 10:52

I have/had a similar relationship with a friend who has longterm mental health issues and she can chop and change her mind regarding physical contact so I tend judge it on a day to day basis and let her take the lead.

It's more complicated regarding the children though and as yours are a little younger than hers I'm not really sure how to advise from that side. I can say that it definitely sounds like her personal issue and nothing you've done.

Bluebluemoon39 · 20/01/2022 10:53

It's really hard to understand this without context. Are you the one who usually initiates cuddles, sleeping in her bed etc?

It all sounds a bit much to me anyway - but I'm not overly tactile (unless with my dc's).

I would let her lead the way. Just don't make moves to touch or hug her, it's quite simple really. And if she's such a close friend I would just be upfront and say "do you want me to tell the kids not to touch you either?". It's perfectly reasonable question under the circumstances.

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 10:58

@Bluebluemoon39

It's really hard to understand this without context. Are you the one who usually initiates cuddles, sleeping in her bed etc?

It all sounds a bit much to me anyway - but I'm not overly tactile (unless with my dc's).

I would let her lead the way. Just don't make moves to touch or hug her, it's quite simple really. And if she's such a close friend I would just be upfront and say "do you want me to tell the kids not to touch you either?". It's perfectly reasonable question under the circumstances.

When we meet it's a mutual hug as a greeting. When things got difficult for her she became really physically clingy and I didn't mind that as I felt it was the support she needed at the time. She doesn't have a spare room so when I stay with her we sleep in the same bed (but we don't spoon!).
OP posts:
Isaw3ships · 20/01/2022 11:01

I would leave it and just see how she is with your kids. She’s h likely to refuse a hug hello or goodby and they don’t really need to touch her otherwise.
I would follow her lead on the day and in future.
It’s her, not you but you know that already.
You sound like a great friend by the way. Hopefully she’ll come out of this soon and be on a more Ben keel.

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 11:06

@Isaw3ships

I would leave it and just see how she is with your kids. She’s h likely to refuse a hug hello or goodby and they don’t really need to touch her otherwise. I would follow her lead on the day and in future. It’s her, not you but you know that already. You sound like a great friend by the way. Hopefully she’ll come out of this soon and be on a more Ben keel.
Yes that's what I was thinking. My children adore her and run to her with open arms and I can't see her stopping them in their tracks. If she does take issue with that I'm sure she'll tell me later and I can ask how she would like me to discuss it with them.
OP posts:
Pleaseuniverseplease · 20/01/2022 11:08

Being a non-touchyfeely person I just can't imagine getting into bed and cuddling a friend no matter what I was going through or being the type of friend that would get into my friends bed.
All sounds a bit weird.
Guessing friend feels boundaries were crossed when she was vulnerable and now she's feeling a bit awkward.
I think I'd be cancelling the day out tbh and stepping back in every sense.

3scape · 20/01/2022 11:08

Just remind the children vocally to check before hugging, asking things like "shall we hold hands?". You don't have to say they don't like it ... You can say more general 'remembervto ask first'. Just like you would with please, thank you. Gently remind and then move on.

3scape · 20/01/2022 11:10

It's great she's trying to reassert herself. It sounds as though she fell pretty hard.

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 11:11

@3scape

It's great she's trying to reassert herself. It sounds as though she fell pretty hard.
She did, it was awful. I've genuinely never seen a human being in so much distress.
OP posts:
Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 11:14

@Pleaseuniverseplease

Being a non-touchyfeely person I just can't imagine getting into bed and cuddling a friend no matter what I was going through or being the type of friend that would get into my friends bed. All sounds a bit weird. Guessing friend feels boundaries were crossed when she was vulnerable and now she's feeling a bit awkward. I think I'd be cancelling the day out tbh and stepping back in every sense.
She's my best friend and it reminds me at times very much of friendships I had as a teenager which we both think is quite special.

I would never have said that I'm a touchy feely type but having seen someone who I care for very much needing comfort, I would have done anything I could to make that time easier on her.

I agree she might be feeling a bit awkward about how clingy she was when she was vulnerable and that's fine.

OP posts:
lilalucy · 20/01/2022 14:17

Do you think maybe she developed feelings for you and her therapist has advised her to cut the physical contact (obvs not in such blunt terms, but it might have come up during their conversations and was suggested by the therapist). Perhaps she didn't want to tell you that part of it, which is why it all sounds slightly odd...

LittleOwl153 · 20/01/2022 14:23

I would probably ditch the meetings with kids until things are a little less awkward. It's fine to have boundaries - but to change them dramatically on little kids is off. Give them some time and the kids will naturally be a little more wary - problem solved.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 14:29

I would ask her about the kids, be direct and to the point. Just ask if she wants you to tell your kids not to hug her anymore as they more than likely will do that as they're used to doing if you say nothing to them

TheCatWearsPrada · 20/01/2022 14:32

I would back off from that friendship

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 15:04

@lilalucy

Do you think maybe she developed feelings for you and her therapist has advised her to cut the physical contact (obvs not in such blunt terms, but it might have come up during their conversations and was suggested by the therapist). Perhaps she didn't want to tell you that part of it, which is why it all sounds slightly odd...
Oh no not at all. I would definitely describe our relationship as like family.

Thanks to those with helpful advice regarding discussing with the kids. Before we're due to meet I'll ask her if she wants me to have a word with them and maybe use the pandemic as an excuse, say she's not been well and we should keep a physical distance.

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 20/01/2022 15:07

I used to have a friend who was "like a sister" who suddenly backed right off our friendship - 10 years later she told me it was partly because she'd developed feelings for me. I still find that hard to compute tbh but in your friends case a combo of mental distress + you being so there for her has made her feel muddled about things. Maybe she just wants to try and be more independent again?

Anyway I'm sure it must be a tiny bit hurtful so I hope you're ok and things work out for your friendship Smile

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 15:11

@BowerOfBramble

I used to have a friend who was "like a sister" who suddenly backed right off our friendship - 10 years later she told me it was partly because she'd developed feelings for me. I still find that hard to compute tbh but in your friends case a combo of mental distress + you being so there for her has made her feel muddled about things. Maybe she just wants to try and be more independent again?

Anyway I'm sure it must be a tiny bit hurtful so I hope you're ok and things work out for your friendship Smile

I think it's the mental distress and potential embarrassment about being vulnerable.

It isn't so much hurtful as I'm worried about her. These new boundaries are a bit out of character for her and I'm worried she might be in a bad place but not communicating well with me. Hopefully if she's seeing a therapist she's able to talk to someone.

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 20/01/2022 15:19

You sound like a great friend and so supportive Flowers

I think I would be putting it to her that I'm so glad she's feeling strong enough to see the therapist etc and working on how to be happier. If it were something like the photo etc I'd probably make light of it - "woops Em, nearly touched you then!" and she'll probably say "oh don't be such a wally" or something else to give you a sign.

I'm sure things will ease off, and I wouldn't worry about your kids. It's probably just something she's "trying" on advice of her therapist and won't last as she moves through her difficult times.

phishy · 20/01/2022 17:18

Before we're due to meet I'll ask her if she wants me to have a word with them

I agree with this OP. It’s not fair to your dc if she recoils.

secular39 · 20/01/2022 22:14

This sound more like a relationship than a friendship. I do not think it sounds healthy at all. Yes, she has had a hard time but you do not need to be staying over at her house on multiple occasions (what about your own kids, family and your own friends) and her kids shouldn't be coming into the bedroom where you sleep. It's time to start putting in boundaries.

secular39 · 20/01/2022 22:16

She doesn't have a spare room so when I stay with her we sleep in the same bed (but we don't spoon!).

Why?! I find this weird but again I'm not a touchy feeling person. I have a feeling that you have begun to develop feelings for this friend. Please do not cheat on your DH, the least you can do is split up with him before you entertain this.

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 22:33

@secular39

She doesn't have a spare room so when I stay with her we sleep in the same bed (but we don't spoon!).

Why?! I find this weird but again I'm not a touchy feeling person. I have a feeling that you have begun to develop feelings for this friend. Please do not cheat on your DH, the least you can do is split up with him before you entertain this.

I’m honestly blown away by this comment. I would never dream of cheating on my DH and have absolutely no romantic feelings for my friend.

I have by no means been neglecting my family by spending the occasional night away. My friend has stayed here because our home is much closer to her work and I have stayed there because we have days out in the part of the country that she lives in. Our families get along well together and there’s nothing remotely inappropriate going on.

OP posts:
susannag1978 · 20/01/2022 22:35

@secular39

She doesn't have a spare room so when I stay with her we sleep in the same bed (but we don't spoon!).

Why?! I find this weird but again I'm not a touchy feeling person. I have a feeling that you have begun to develop feelings for this friend. Please do not cheat on your DH, the least you can do is split up with him before you entertain this.

This really seems like quite the stretch when OP has clearly just been trying to support a friend in need.
AliveAndSleeping · 20/01/2022 23:10

I'd ask her regarding the kids and you could just tell them then something like "friend prefers no hugs at the moment." You don't really have to make excuses. It might be a good lesson on consent.

Can I just say that you sound like an absolutely amazing friend and a wonderful human being!! Flowers

Original poster
vicprice88 · 20/01/2022 23:14

@AliveAndSleeping

I'd ask her regarding the kids and you could just tell them then something like "friend prefers no hugs at the moment." You don't really have to make excuses. It might be a good lesson on consent.

Can I just say that you sound like an absolutely amazing friend and a wonderful human being!! Flowers

Thank you, this is far more pleasant than some responses!

We’ve generally been cautious with physical contact with Covid anyway but it just feels like a strange shift when we’ve all been so close and the kids adore her. They know she has some mental health problems “gets sad sometimes” and I think they very much associate being sad with wanting a cuddle.

OP posts: