To be fed up of the victim blaming around domestic violence

[Perseua]

I left my partner after he started abusing me in my sleep. We'd been together many years, and before he started doing this he had seemed perfectly normal.

Naturally, I found it pretty traumatic, and have been working on adjusting to my new reality. What does my head in is that the resources for those who have been the victim of domestic violence seem to be about how you, the victim, need to change in order to not be abused again. I've read through the various red flags and signs and symptoms, and he didn't display them. I'd known him, his family, his friends ..etc for years. I didn't see this coming, and, as far as I can tell, nobody around me did either.

It's been a difficult situation to discuss. Someone who doesn't know me well asked me what "attracted me" to someone like my ex-partner, in a tone that suggested that I was to blame. Someone else told me not to press charges in case I "ruin his life", as if protecting other people from abuse was less important than my ex's feelings. I'd like to eventually get into a new relationship, but there seems to be an assumption that, as I have been a victim of abuse before, that the next person I date will automatically also be an abuser.

I don't think I was wrong to leave my ex. I don't think the abuse was anything to do with me, I think he'd have just as easily done it to any other person he dated. I like myself, and I can't see why I shouldn't be able to have a normal relationship in the future.

Has anyone else had experiences like this?
I'd also more than happily take advice off of anyone who's been through this sort of thing and is enjoying life now (I know about the freedom project).

Part of the problem is that there's still such a narrow understanding of what constitutes abusive behaviour. When I finally spoke to the police, two separate officers said to me 'so he doesn't hit you then?'
I felt like I was wasting their time and that it must be in some way my fault. I'm still not sure if it is or not. Still trying to leave.

@ItsGotToBePizza

Part of the problem is that there's still such a narrow understanding of what constitutes abusive behaviour. When I finally spoke to the police, two separate officers said to me 'so he doesn't hit you then?' I felt like I was wasting their time and that it must be in some way my fault. I'm still not sure if it is or not. Still trying to leave.

So sorry the police didn't seem to take you seriously @ItsGotToBePizza

I told a teacher in school what happened to me, they had to inform police as I was under 18 but he was threatening to kill himself if I gave his name (which I have now found out is the oldest manipulation trick in the book). I told them everything that happened and because I wouldn't give his name, they said 'you're lying aren't you'. Put me off going back to the police for 4 years. Sad state of affairs really!

Because it's very common for (usually) women to have a string of abusive relationships. It's not victim blaming. It's working on breaking the cycle

@ItsGotToBePizza I'm sorry that they were like that with you, you deserve to be taken seriously. I think the police can really vary in how seriously they take these things.

If you can get any written or recorded evidence of what's happening, they tend to do more for you, as unfair as that is. I was lucky enough to have a body of evidence to confirm what my ex had been doing, and lucky enough to be given good officers, so things moved quite quickly.

What I wish is that people affected by DV were told more about the legal side of things, of all the orders that can be put in place to keep you and your family safe and to allow you to stay in your home if you want to. I hate this emphasis that it has to be the person who is being mistreated that must find somewhere new to live

@Perseua @ArwenGrey
Thank you, I have kept a written record, which hopefully will be of use in the future.