To be fed up of the victim blaming around domestic violence

[Perseua]

I left my partner after he started abusing me in my sleep. We'd been together many years, and before he started doing this he had seemed perfectly normal.

Naturally, I found it pretty traumatic, and have been working on adjusting to my new reality. What does my head in is that the resources for those who have been the victim of domestic violence seem to be about how you, the victim, need to change in order to not be abused again. I've read through the various red flags and signs and symptoms, and he didn't display them. I'd known him, his family, his friends ..etc for years. I didn't see this coming, and, as far as I can tell, nobody around me did either.

It's been a difficult situation to discuss. Someone who doesn't know me well asked me what "attracted me" to someone like my ex-partner, in a tone that suggested that I was to blame. Someone else told me not to press charges in case I "ruin his life", as if protecting other people from abuse was less important than my ex's feelings. I'd like to eventually get into a new relationship, but there seems to be an assumption that, as I have been a victim of abuse before, that the next person I date will automatically also be an abuser.

I don't think I was wrong to leave my ex. I don't think the abuse was anything to do with me, I think he'd have just as easily done it to any other person he dated. I like myself, and I can't see why I shouldn't be able to have a normal relationship in the future.

Has anyone else had experiences like this?
I'd also more than happily take advice off of anyone who's been through this sort of thing and is enjoying life now (I know about the freedom project).

Out of curiosity, what makes me unreasonable? I'll admit that I'm a bit ticked off about those couple of comments from people I didn't know very well. I'm lucky to have supportive friends and family, and I'm sure that there are plenty of good resources out there. I just find it frustrating when the onus is on the person who was mistreated to watch out for signs and symptoms that may or may not be there rather than on the people who hurt others not to go around hurting people

People don’t like to think they are vulnerable. By blaming the victim we can convince ourselves that you need to do something wrong to ever face abuse. If we believe anyone could face abuse it would be disconcerting. That is my theory anyway.

@FarDownTheRiver that makes sense. I think it was just such a shock, he seemed like a really upstanding, moral type. I think people expect abusive individuals to look or act evil, like a bond villain or something, when they are mostly just ordinary-seeming people.

I'm glad that I pressed charges, because it led to other things that he had done to other people to come out. I guess I'm cross because if I'd listened to the person who told me not to press charges then a number of other people would not be safe. I wonder how often people don't report abuse because they're worried about being judged by others, and thus how many extra people are caught unawares by abusers because of this lack of reporting

I guess I also wanted to hear the experiences of other people who've been in the same boat. IRL I don't know anyone who has been through this, so I feel like a bit of an outlier and that makes everything harder

Unfortunately a lot of things feel like this. I guess because you can only change and affect you. So it's worth (for some) to reflect on whether putting yourself at risk is happening.

Of course noone would need to be hypervigilant if these abusers would just all stop it.

It's similar with ADHD/ Autism in children the only help you get is a stack of parenting techniques the whole "it's your fault" thing is all psychologists have.

Some victims / survivors find themselves in abusive relationships time after time. It isn’t a failing on their account but something about those abusive relationships feels “normal” to them. I can remember a poster here posting that she had been abused in the past and was now in a relationship with a nice guy and even though she knew she deserved someone nice she didn’t feel at home ( as it were) in that situation. Sometimes children who have been abused growing up are drawn to abusive relationships as adults because of the structures of their brains having altered in development. So if counselling or therapy is posing questions about “ what drew you to this abusive person” it isn’t about saying you were responsible for what happened but to try and highlight any patterns in your own behaviour or thinking which may draw you into other abusive relationships in the future. Hopefully there won’t be a next time. Of course you want to say to abusers that they’re responsible for their abusive behaviour but who will change as a result? The comment about not reporting was shit and archaic… report away. I hope you meet someone great

It may be that because they have known women (maybe even quite a few women) who have got together with or married men with obvious red flags, that this is true of all women whose partners turn out to be abusive.

There are lots of threads on the Relationships board on MN where women either don't identify red flags in the early dating stages or marry a man when it's clear from their description that he was at least borderline abusive before then.

However, a) that's not always the case - some men become abusive later on, or are very good actors to start with and b) the failure to spot red flags isn't necessarily the woman's fault anyway - it's often the result of an abusive or dysfunctional upbringing. Tbf I didn't really get this until I'd hung around on MN for a while though.

So, in any case, YANBU. People's anger should be directed towards the perpetrator, not the victim.

@Divebar2021

Some victims / survivors find themselves in abusive relationships time after time. It isn’t a failing on their account but something about those abusive relationships feels “normal” to them. I can remember a poster here posting that she had been abused in the past and was now in a relationship with a nice guy and even though she knew she deserved someone nice she didn’t feel at home ( as it were) in that situation. Sometimes children who have been abused growing up are drawn to abusive relationships as adults because of the structures of their brains having altered in development. So if counselling or therapy is posing questions about “ what drew you to this abusive person” it isn’t about saying you were responsible for what happened but to try and highlight any patterns in your own behaviour or thinking which may draw you into other abusive relationships in the future. Hopefully there won’t be a next time. Of course you want to say to abusers that they’re responsible for their abusive behaviour but who will change as a result? The comment about not reporting was shit and archaic… report away. I hope you meet someone great

@Divebar2021

It's more a case of perpetrators actively seeking people they can abuse, rather than victims / survivors choosing abusive partners

I agree with pp, or might be because they know people who have got with violent men who have ignored red flags so there assuming every woman ignores them. My sister met a man and within 2 weeks he was saying he loved her, wanted to marry her, was gonna get his name tattooed on her, she kept saying him despite all these red flags he would get angry at her and threaten her again still kept seeing him, she did a Claire’s law on him it came back he had attacked his own mother yet she still kept seeing him, this was all within about 2 months of her knowing him but started from knowing him for 2 weeks. I guess others just think they would spot the red flags sooner or walk away sooner etc

[quote Perseua]@FarDownTheRiver that makes sense. I think it was just such a shock, he seemed like a really upstanding, moral type. I think people expect abusive individuals to look or act evil, like a bond villain or something, when they are mostly just ordinary-seeming people.

I'm glad that I pressed charges, because it led to other things that he had done to other people to come out. I guess I'm cross because if I'd listened to the person who told me not to press charges then a number of other people would not be safe. I wonder how often people don't report abuse because they're worried about being judged by others, and thus how many extra people are caught unawares by abusers because of this lack of reporting[/quote]
You were really brave to report it, 100% the right thing to do.
I believe you can never truly know a person, that is my experience anyway.

Along with this, I feel like there is always a chance of bad things happening to any of us. If you have never experienced it yourself or only see it at a distance then people really find it hard to truly understand. The saying "There but by the grace of God go I" is true in many cases. It is like thinking everyone on benefits is abusing it or there due to bad decisions and also the most outrageous cases reflect in our minds more. A person who is continually in bad relationships with outright bad people will draw more attention and be remembered than Sue who lives with lovely Nigel who has actually been abusing her for years and who everyone thinks is a lovely family man. Some won't even believe he is abusive because of their own experiences with him. If was nasty to them they could imagine he was nasty to you.

Basically, it is all psychology imo. Stay strong and don't let people bring you down.

I was in an abusive relationship got out 5 years ago now thankfully. I remember my friend saying I would not let my husband hit me, if he hit me once I would leave. I never said anything to her at the time but I was raging. You don't know how hard it is to leave until your in that position, the strength you need to get yourself out. She victim blamed me as in it was my fault. When it's the abusers fault. The warning signs and info from women's aid is good as it helps you spot signs so you don't end up in another abusive relationship.

Do you mean this is the message you got from individuals in your life or from organisations who you sought support from?

I spent the afternoon at a sexual health centre after I finally had the courage to speak to someone about my abusive ex who I dumped two weeks ago being verbally abusive and having sexually assaulted me on one occasion.

I was doubting myself but they could not have been more supportive. I got the opposite message from them than what you are describing after I told them my story.

They kept saying that I had done nothing wrong, that it was not my fault and that it was all about him and his behaviour not anything I had done. And that abusers can be hard to spot at the beginning as they show you what they want you to see until they finally reveal themselves.

I had known that man for six years as a friend and he was always polite, supportive and there for me. Then he suddenly turned into a different person as I got closer to him and saw his real personality come out.

However I also want to do some work on myself because there is no denying that I have a history of not making good choices in relationships that comes from poor self-esteem and childhood trauma.

I don't blame myself for the fact that people have hurt me but I also owe it to myself to do everything I can to protect myself better if that makes sense. I finally realised that all along I have been going for men who are just like my father immature, selfish, violent and emotional unavailable. Now I am going to be even more careful and guarded in relationships. It is sad in a way but the reality is that there are many men out there who can spot signs of vulnerability and will use it to target women like me.

The man who asked me what attracted me to my ex isn't a counsellor, literally just a male relative in the extended family. He went on to give me a delightful anecdote about a colleague who has tried to hit his wife, but didn't succeed and never tried again as his wife beat him up.

I don't think beating my ex up would have helped things.

The sad thing is, I went in prepared. I had previously researched all about the red flags of abusive men in general because I intended to avoid this sort of thing. I don't like bad boys, and actively avoided anyone who I thought I couldn't handle. I got to know my ex and his friends and family around him over several years before I lived with him. I thought I'd found a principled, lovely partner. I'd never been in a DV relationship before, and when I found myself in one, I left without hesitation, as unpleasant as that was to do. I don't understand why Ex partner chose to be with me if he was going to behave like that. He knew I had boundaries, and that what he chose to do would be incompatible with those.

The various agencies who became involved with my ex told me I'd done really well making the decisions that I did. But I think, even if a person doesn't get out at the earliest opportunity like I did, DV still isn't their fault.

I think I find the situation upsetting because I'm not used to things like this. I'm a cautious type who enjoys living squarely in the realm of the peaceful and predictable. I suppose the situation just feels insulting given that I did my best to avoid these sorts of things

My ex partner was abusive. I got in to a relationship with him when I was very young. Honestly there were red flags but I was not equipped to see them clearly and like most situations the abuse built over time and increased when I was vulnerable. Particularly when I was pregnant.

I actually wonder if you are holding some unconscious bias to victims of DV yourself. In your last statement at 22.47 you talk about feeling insulted because you are cautious and would actively research and avoid these type of men/situations. Personally I try not to allow other people's ideas about what a victim of dv looks like cloud my thoughts about myself. I don't need to defend myself or my choices to anyone.

I received lots of judgement when I left my ex. I received more when 2 years later he attempted to rape me and I had him jailed. The only thing I can say is you develop a thick skin over time and choose who is worth your time. If people want to blame or make assumptions about you, are they worth having in your life?

Victim blaming reason is partly what FarDownTheRiver said of people not wanting to believe they could be victim.

Is also cos cheap and easy to victim blame cos lotsa services for victims not funded enough and all the benefit cuts.

Lotsa places councils especially don't do their legal rehousing duty or safeguarding duties. They break law and get away with it cos funding cuts and not always good support or legal aid solicitors free capacity to help. .

Victim especially if injured by abuse or disabled or young children can't leave without safe place to go to and refuges are only temporary.

Is cheaper to blame victims and if murder, say if only she'd had strength to leave or seen red flags but victim can be strong and see flags but doesn't make safe place to leave suddenly happen. It doesn't make support and help and advocacy suddenly stop being postcode lottery.

I’m with you op. My own sister told me I “got my self into a situation now looking for someone to blame” and she “I shouldn’t expect loyalty” from her as we don’t speak much after she was talking to my ex and said I’m difficult.

The fact certain females who are mothers can still blame women there’s no hope for men to understand the issues

I had been with exH for a decade before he turned scary, with no inkling that was going to happen! Then, my parents died and apparently I didn’t grieve politely how he felt I should be (I was devastated) which threatened him and led to his abhorrent abuse. Shortly after they had passed I ended up in a refuge for victims of domestic abuse and was there for months.
Years later…I have a good life with a very gentle husband who I actually first met whilst I was living in the refuge! He truly respects me and we cherish what we have.
(Nb, abusive ex was erudite and suited and booted, a PhD who fools people still. I was not to blame for not realising, no victim is and it all annoys me too. Good luck with the rest of your life.)

You see it on here all the time and it greatly annoys and distresses me. The word 'victim' implies weakness, it's the wrong term for someone who's escaped domestic abuse.

I always think it's very clear who has actually experienced a situation similar to that on which they are offering advice, and who is just a poorly informed armchair psychologist.
I absolutely hate 'I would leave if my DH ever did that', and think you have no idea what you'd do until you're in that situation. You never truly know your partner, or yourself for that matter, people can change and react to things in unexpected ways.

I think the poster up thread who said some people victim blame because they don't want to think it could happen to them may have a point.

Well done OP on all you have achieved. You did everything right with regard to the relationship, you are no 'victim'.

This struck a chord with me as my eldest daughter often blames me for being in an abusive relationship with her father. It implies weakness on my part. Yes you become weak when you are trapped in a situation and you can’t see any way out and your mental health, self esteem and finances are in your boots

Same morethanspice, my girls have said I'm a fool as didn't leave sooner.

It's humiliating as noone thinks that's going to be their lives. It's often a drip drip or boiling frog situation. Or like the op out of the blue after many years. How are you meant to react?

But the worst ones to judge, tut and shame seem to be women.

I'm now judged as obstructive by family members as I will only email, not talk on the phone or message regarding child access.

After 13 years of having my words twisted, being goaded, attacked and accused, I'll be sticking to email where there is a record.

Anyway, of course its all my fault as should have had a crystal ball before marriage.

Society including lots of women, do not care about domestic violence or abuse, instead choosing to other those going through it.

They would rather chant namalt and view women who are being abused or have left abuse as the problem.

Also agree the word victim in this context is wrong and needs to be banned. You are either a domestic violence/abuse survivor or surviving domestic violence/abuse.

YANBU

Also I think a lot of people pay lip service to the idea of believing and supporting people who have experienced domestic violence, but they will turn on them if they encounter them in real life.

YANBU.

Honestly, don’t waste your time and energy on people who victim blame like that. They live in their own world, where something like that could never happen to THEM.

I once had a conversation with a type like that, who said something like “I don’t understand why women don’t just leave”. Having a mother who was abused by my father, I had done a lot of reading and research and talking to my mother to understand- so I laid out plenty of reasons why she couldn’t have “just left” (threats/no family support/manipulation/being isolated/nowhere to go) and carefully explained it to them.

And they nodded along and appeared to be taking it in, and then said “but why didn’t she just LEAVE?”

You can lead an idiot to reason but you can’t make them think.

I’ve been in two abusive relationships. The first one yes, red flags all over it and it wasn’t a surprise to anyone. But I was young and had come from a very difficult childhood. I had a couple of “normal” relationships after that, spent some time on my own etc. Then in my late 30s started dating a family friend. No red flags whatsoever. The type who was always happy and would do anything for anyone. He then gradually became controlling and it was getting worse. I left him, but in no way could I have known prior to dating him.

No one knows how hard it is to leave. In my first relationship there was a legitimate threat of death to me. He’d strangled me and held knives to my throat. But it’s like I was paralysed by fear. All of my emotional energy was just focused on getting through each day. That was hard enough. I just didn’t have the capacity to get myself together to leave. Someone helped me in the end, more or less held my hand through it all. I’m not sure I could have done it alone.

I was in an abusive relationship from when I was 16, physically/sexually. I too experienced a lot of victim blaming and at that age couldn't decipher whether I had actually done something wrong to cause what was happening.

The turning point for me was years later when lady from REACH told me that you could be lying naked on a bed in a room by yourself and the only way you will ever be raped is if you're in a room with a rapist. I suppose the same goes for physical abuse. The only way it's going to happen is if you're with someone who is that way inclined.

I had another relationship not long after which was abusive in a different way, emotionally and financially. But I thought because he wasn't hitting me or sexually assaulting me I had struck lucky.

I am now with the most amazing man, he is gentle, kind hearted and understanding and i genuinely feel safe.

I guess everybody's experiences are different but what the lady said to me has stayed with me and actually was the turning point for me to stop blaming myself and go to the police. I also had a friend at the time who would make jokes about me 'forgetting my rape alarm' as if it was some sort of joke, but I just tried to feel glad they obviously hadn't been through what I had so wouldn't understand