AIBU to think my marriage is over?

KirstenBlest · 19/01/2022 13:44

Get all the legal and financial documents and make an appointment with someone like Citizen's Advice or an initial consultation with a Divorce/Family lawyer

FlowerArranger · 19/01/2022 13:45

Clearly you need to leave.

Focus on the practicalities.
What needs to be in place for you to physically leave?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 13:45

But he is like a black cloud to be around, his moods take over the whole house and there’s no escaping them

^^
This is exactly, exactly like my exh. I used to call him a dementor (from Harry Potter).

Get away from him now and get your son out of that horrible atmosphere. It’s no way to grow up, and the younger you do it the better.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 13:47

(I realise I probably don’t need to explain what a dementor is!)

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 19/01/2022 13:49

Whats your job? How much in savings do you have? Do you both own the house jointly?

Tamworth123 · 19/01/2022 13:51

He used a pretext to make you leave you (daytime) hen do, he used a pretext to force a "crisis" in your relationship so you'd fly home early frogman hen do, and you don't feel like you can go out on your own.

His moods, anger, bullying aside; he's an EXTREMELY controlling man.

You've put up with it and pondered to it til now; hopefully you've woken up and want continue that; which means essentially you'll have to divorce, because a man like that will never change.

Tamworth123 · 19/01/2022 13:51

*fly home early from a girls holiday

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 13:54

You're not allowed time with your friends without him. He makes you unhappy. He pressures you for sex.

You don't deserve to have to deal with any of that. At least you've only wasted 5 years on him. Don't waste any more!

Tamworth123 · 19/01/2022 13:54

I don’t want my son to be away from him, he adores him.

He can have your son as much as he likes. Millions of ppl coparent.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2022 13:55

You are totally being abused.

Look on the Relationships board for the advice for what you need to get together and who you need to speak to.

What is your housing situation?

And who are the 10% that voted Unreasonable?

Gapmumma · 19/01/2022 13:55

I'm going through something similar
Make a plan to exit
-ensure you have copies of all important documents
-work out a budget on what you need to survive
-start secretly stashing money including adding a giftcard to each grocery shop. Everything counts

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2022 13:56

@Tamworth123

I don’t want my son to be away from him, he adores him.

He can have your son as much as he likes. Millions of ppl coparent.

He can have contact with your son. Not a problem. But get it sorted legally or he'll use it as another method of control

Emerald5hamrock · 19/01/2022 14:00

You know what you have to do.
Things will either stay the same or he'll get worse but with no improvement.
You and your baby deserve much better, staying will guarantee DS will learn his behaviour.
Can you leave him? Do you have a place to go.

Nikkic2123 · 19/01/2022 14:01

@LonelyMamaof1

I’ve been married 3 years, with my husband for a couple years long and we have one DS together. I’m so unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

I can’t think of anything I like about this man anymore. Over all the last few years (and this started before I got married, what an idiot I am) he has become increasingly more nasty towards me. Most of the time I think that’s what it is, he’s nasty, it’s emotional abuse. But then sometimes I think I’m overreacting? I guess I’ve been waiting for one final straw, one act that is unforgivable for me to be able to say that’s it.

He’s never hit me, for the record. But he is like a black cloud to be around, his moods take over the whole house and there’s no escaping them. I try to keep as quiet as possible so that he doesn’t take it out on me. He swears in every sentence. He calls people the c word, f this, I haven’t even had an f ing shower today, etc.

He tells me I give him the bare minimum sex wise. He doesn’t say I can’t go on a night out with my friend, but I haven’t been on one since we’ve been together because he makes me feel like it wouldn’t be worth the hassle. He cut my ‘hen night’ short because he was in a mood with his sister and wouldn’t stop texting me (it was only afternoon tea). When we first started dating he made me fly home from a girls holiday (my first ever) because I had liked a photo of another man (prior to us being together).

He is not all bad. When he’s lovely to our son, my heart melts and I don’t want my son to be away from him, he adores him. But I just don’t think I have any love or forgiveness left in me. I’m also scared about practicalities like will I be able to survive financially on my own, where would I live?

I’m so scared and upset. I don’t know what to do.

To say he made you is unfair. You are your own person. Someone will only treat you how you let them treat you.

I'm sorry you feel this way, you sound like a lovely person, read back over what you wrote, think of it like someone else wrote it, maybe a friend, sister, cousin, aunt, mum... what would you advise them?

I hope you get sorted x

Tamworth123 · 19/01/2022 14:02

He doesn’t say I can’t go on a night out with my friend, but I haven’t been on one since we’ve been together because he makes me feel like it wouldn’t be worth the hassle. He cut my ‘hen night’ short because he was in a mood with his sister and wouldn’t stop texting me (it was only afternoon tea). When we first started dating he made me fly home from a girls holiday (my first ever) because I had liked a photo of another man (prior to us being together).

This type of can can go mad, violent, volatile etc when their "possession" leaves, and they think about the concept of their possession being being to get involved with another man sooner or later.... you need advice on how to leave safely, from women's aid etc

Original poster

LonelyMamaof1 · 19/01/2022 14:25

We rent and don’t have any savings etc, I work part time (4 full days a week), so there would be nothing to split. But I would need to save for a rent deposit on another house, find another house, and then be able to afford the rent, nursery fee, bills etc which I don’t think I could on my wage. I don’t know if I would be entitled to any help with me working.

He knows how I feel, he has tried to improve but it lasts a week, a month if I’m lucky and then it’s back to ‘normal’ again. More than anything, I don’t want my beautiful son to learn this behaviour and think it’s okay to treat people this way.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 14:33

@LonelyMamaof1 how much do you earn? You'll almost certainly be entitled to some
UC and child benefit

PrincessNutella · 19/01/2022 14:33

Yes, this is over. Dear friend, I suggest two things: one, please get therapy to help you with practical decision making. This is hard. Second, get legal help.

CateCroc · 19/01/2022 14:36

He doesn’t say I can’t go on a night out with my friend, but I haven’t been on one since we’ve been together because he makes me feel like it wouldn’t be worth the hassle. He cut my ‘hen night’ short because he was in a mood with his sister and wouldn’t stop texting me (it was only afternoon tea). When we first started dating he made me fly home from a girls holiday (my first ever) because I had liked a photo of another man (prior to us being together)

I had an ex who became like this. It started with little things like questioning where I had been, who I had been with etc then built up.

My life improved 100x when I dumped him.

Original poster

LonelyMamaof1 · 19/01/2022 15:29

I earn just under £1200 per month and I get child benefit which I think is around £84 per month. I keep thinking this is the right thing to do and then thinking of my boy and how attached he is to his dad and I feel sick. I know that he would still see him, I just feel like I would be a horrible mum to take his dad away.

I think that I would have left by now if it wasn’t for my son.

I’ve told him today that I’m desperately unhappy and he said he would do whatever I wanted, even if that meant leaving. Then he has called me within the next hour to ask what light fitting he should buy for the kitchen. He clearly thinks I’m not going anywhere, I’ve been such a push over I’m not surprised.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/01/2022 15:34

How old are you? Anywhere you can go like parents etc? do any friends/family know what he's like or has he alienated you from everyone?

Krakenchorus · 19/01/2022 15:35

Ask him to leave, then. He offered, whether he was serious or not.

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 15:35

@LonelyMamaof1 you're definitely entitled to quite a lot of help. Have a look on entitledto - that'll give you a good idea!

Holshicup · 19/01/2022 15:35

Universal credit have a online calculator, you maybe suprised what you are entitled too.
You will be entitled to help with any childcare costs.
He should also be paying you maintenence for your son.

LittleGwyneth · 19/01/2022 15:42

If you have cause to say 'he's never hit me' then you usually, IMO, have cause to be absolutely miserable.