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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this upset

31 replies

fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:05

I have three children and they are all such good kids. All of them try really hard to please and do the right thing. All of them are going through stuff at the moment. Ds14 lives and breathes his sport and is injured and can't even go to school for the next few days, never mind go to all the training and play his matches. He finds this so tough. For him, being stuck at home is hell. He is so energetic and just needs to be active and busy. I can see him feeling very low. And because he is very small in stature and the sport is rough, he is likely to get injured again, which he knows. I feel so sorry for him. Next dd13 has some fairly serious undiagnosed psychological difficulties. She has sensory issues around food and barely eats. She is extremely thin. She is also very sensitive and easily upset, lots of shouting and crying. She relies on me completely to help her. My husband can't real deal with her. She is in a tutor gap at school where despite how hard she tries to make friends, she is pushed out and isolated. She has a friendship grp outside of her tutor grp who she spends her break times with. DD11 is in a similar position but worse. She is the kindest, sweetest child. We have never had friendship problems with her or her sister throughout their time at school. Until now. Now, she tries and tries but she is excluded, pushed away and and sometimes outright bullied. I can't understand why this is happening. I am speaking to the school. I have asked and asked for her to be moved to a different class. Like her sister, all her friends are in a different class. I have to hear about their experiences day after day. I talk to them while they cry at night. Dd11 brushes over it a bit and changes the subject because she doesn't want to worry me too much, which is just like her, but she does tell what's going on, and it's almost every day. When you add in dd14 being injured and going crazy at home, I feel so overwhelmed. I do everything I can for them to support them, to encourage them to tell me what has happened and to problem solve. My AIBU is about how I feel. I carry their distress with me, I feel it all the time. Basically, I feel like I want to cry a lot of the time. Is this what other parents experience when their kids are going through a rough time, especially it's all at once?

OP posts:
HNY2022mam · 19/01/2022 13:08

YANBU I physically feel pain if my children are upset.

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:20

I find the pain of it so intense. I don't show that to my children but I feel it inside. My youngest daughter is the kindest, sweetest person. She would never treat anyone badly. She always makes an effort with people she doesn't know. She is skilled in conversation and has told me she tries hard to ask questions and make friends. But she is pushed away again and again. I think the problem is the tutor group she is in is a tight knit group, and she is not a part of it. It must be hurting her so much, the shock that other kids can be cruel and simply rebuff her attempts to be nice. I find it so hard as well because there was a period of time in my childhood when I was unhappy and experienced bullying. The very idea that they have live through something similar just kills me.

OP posts:
aweebitlost · 19/01/2022 13:26

YANBU and I’m sorry they’re all going through so much. My kids are all younger than yours but I absorb so much of their emotional energy and yes if one of them is having a hard time I feel very down. I think that’s natural - you love them so very much, after all. For your youngest, does she have hobbies outside of school? Having close friends completely external to school might help her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 13:29

It’s awful isn’t it? It’s like you can feel their feelings.

I think in the end you have to block it out a little bit - not to the extent of not caring or not trying to help / advise them - but just that you can’t entirely solve someone else’s problems, even your child’s.

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:30

Thanks for your messages. It helps to know there's not something wrong with me. My husband thinks `I overreact and that I have anxiety about it. This may partly be true. I was sobbing and crying on Monday and he came out of a meeting to talk to me. Yes my youngest has a few hobbies and yes they are an absolute blessing. We are trying to get her enrolled into something else because she absolutely loves doing things outside of school and as is typical of her gets on really well with everyone!

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 19/01/2022 13:33

@HNY2022mam

YANBU I physically feel pain if my children are upset.
God yes, this. Why do you think this happens? Sad

Ahhh OP, this sounds very tough on you. I hope you get some advice here (sure you will) Thanks

Clarinet1 · 19/01/2022 13:36

I don’t have DC myself but I really feel for you. You have children wanting the best for them and to support them and when they find life difficult it is hard. I know it’s easy for me to say but hurting for them and trying to help them is what makes you a caring, loving mother.

Loveisthere · 19/01/2022 13:37

Op, can you take your son to watch the training or the sport being played that way he is out of the house and seeing his friends. Regarding your daughter's contact the school and state that the school has a duty of care to your daughters that ensures they get a good education and could they please move classes this will make them more settled and maybe less anxious which in turn may help with their eating. Yanbu to feel the way you do it shows you are a good mum x

Loveisthere · 19/01/2022 13:40

Sorry op also should have posted that if the school are not helpful then go to the governors then to the LEA if no luck there your MP someone will listen to you good luck x

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:44

Thank you for saying I should speak to the school. I did today and I was quite strong. I was able to relay in detail an incident from yesterday regarding my youngest daughter which probably falls under the category of bullying. But I feel sick about it. I know they will probably assume I am an overacting mother and they will fob me off. Due to my oldest daughter's psychological difficulties which affect her ability to learn, I have been fobbed off in the past and it causes me so much turmoil. I know it's the right thing and I should just keep logging the incidents as they occur in writing. I just don't want a battle. The last time they replied to my email about my youngest asking to move her into another class, it was so robotic and inhuman, like they are preparing to be sued or something. They said no of course.

OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 19/01/2022 13:45

I think you need to remember that part of your job is to teach your children resilience alongside other things - and being over anxious and emotional about this issue might well be exacerbating their own anxieties about the issue. It really shouldn't matter so much if they have friends in their class or not if they have friends in other classes - most of my friends from school were in another class, and we're still friends 30 years later. I just made sure I spent breaks etc with friends and socialised with them out of school. You need to support them in understanding that this is where they should be focussing their efforts.

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:46

I should have taken my son to training yesterday - I didn't think of that, it's a very good idea. He will definitely be going to watch the match on Sunday.

OP posts:
amiafreakofnature · 19/01/2022 13:47

Absolutely it's the hardest part of parenting
Also when they are unwell/physically injured I find if unbearable seeing them in pain and distress

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:50

@TheBossOfMe

I think you need to remember that part of your job is to teach your children resilience alongside other things - and being over anxious and emotional about this issue might well be exacerbating their own anxieties about the issue. It really shouldn't matter so much if they have friends in their class or not if they have friends in other classes - most of my friends from school were in another class, and we're still friends 30 years later. I just made sure I spent breaks etc with friends and socialised with them out of school. You need to support them in understanding that this is where they should be focussing their efforts.
I absolutely understand this and I do believe I keep a lid on it. They know it upsets me but I think the level of that is appropriate in reflecting their own distress and validating it. I do know I need to keep working on remaining calm and positive above all else. The upset I feel really is kept well away from them. The problem isn't that they have friends elsewhere, it really is that they are being excluded and actively ignored in their tutor groups. On top of that, the youngest was very badly treated just yesterday.
OP posts:
Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:51

Also, they are very very resilient. That's part of what makes it so heart breaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:54

I used to think the hardest part of parenting was when my oldest daughter wouldn't sleep, eat or sit in a highchair/buggy or go to nursery/school without screaming the place down day after sodding day. And trying to give the others my equal attention through that. But I am actually finding this harder.

OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 19/01/2022 13:54

Oh bless, it is heartbreaking, absolutely understand that. I was your DD11 at school to a tee - and had very little parental support in how to deal with it. Eventually I developed a rhino hide, just ignored the unkind people (which oddly made them see me as a bit cool and suddenly they wanted to be friends - go figure) and really focused on other school friends, and out of school friends.

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 13:58

@TheBossOfMe

Oh bless, it is heartbreaking, absolutely understand that. I was your DD11 at school to a tee - and had very little parental support in how to deal with it. Eventually I developed a rhino hide, just ignored the unkind people (which oddly made them see me as a bit cool and suddenly they wanted to be friends - go figure) and really focused on other school friends, and out of school friends.
This is helpful to hear. One of my biggest worries is how this is affecting her self esteem. She has taken to ignoring them all for the most part, and says she stands alone, apart from the others. It's so alien to hear this. She is the friendliest, sweetest person. As a toddler, she used to go and hug strangers.
OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 19/01/2022 14:25

It's worth teaching her about transactional engagement vs emotional engagement, and how she can switch between the two types of engagement with friends vs classmates. It will enable her to have a transactional relationship that is related to her educational needs with her classmates and an emotional one with her friends.

Summersnake · 19/01/2022 14:32

Have you thought of home educating your girls
Lots of groups around now a days where they can make friends with children of all ages

Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 14:34

@TheBossOfMe

It's worth teaching her about transactional engagement vs emotional engagement, and how she can switch between the two types of engagement with friends vs classmates. It will enable her to have a transactional relationship that is related to her educational needs with her classmates and an emotional one with her friends.
This is a great concept, and I will definitely raise it with them. My youngest daughter has become quite defiant about not wanting to bother with them because they are mean to her, and I remember feeling exactly the same when I was bullied at her age. But this idea of transactional relationships is a great way to make the bridge .
OP posts:
Original poster
fairylights82 · 19/01/2022 14:37

@Summersnake

Have you thought of home educating your girls Lots of groups around now a days where they can make friends with children of all ages
I think about this all the time. In some ways, I think it would could be better for my oldest, although usually she really enjoys the social aspect of school. But she finds the learning side very difficult and stressful. But dd11, the one who is being bullied or near enough, usually LOVES school. She so gregarious and just loves being busy and loves to learn. There is clearly an issue with the dynamics in the class. Both girls came on in leaps and bounds over the course of lockdown, in terms of learning, but missed their friends massively.
OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 19/01/2022 14:43

IME people who understand how to switch between transactional and emotional engagements well tend to be more likely to flourish in the workplace and build rewarding careers. It's a key skill to build. The younger people learn it the better - plus it helps with that rhino hide, which we all need sometimes.

Tal45 · 19/01/2022 14:58

Is dd 13 in the process of being diagnosed? It sounds like she's ticking some boxes for ASD there - issues around food are very common, people with anorexia for example are more likely to be autistic than not. The emotional and friendship difficulties would be typical as would high anxiety. Just a thought if you don't already have a diagnosis in mind.

PinkiOcelot · 19/01/2022 15:04

Who the hell clicked YABU?!

Anyway OP, I know exactly what you mean. When my dds are upset, then I am upset. You just want what is best for them and even now, I get upset that DD1 has no friends really. I think why, why her when the others who bullied her have loads of friends.
Would changing the tutor group be an option? I did this for DD1 and she was much happier away from the cliques. Definitely speak to the school.

Just try to think that your son being laid up as being temporary and he’ll soon be back doing what he loves. Yes it may happen again because of his stature, but you’ll cross that bridge.

I often find myself tearing up and crying when my dds are up, so you’re not alone x