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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To book a holiday when my friend gets married?

32 replies

Maxiemoo10 · 19/01/2022 11:59

I've now known B for around 5 years now, our children are at the same school, we were really close a few years ago, to now barely speaking once a month.

I helped her through her break up, helped her move home, looked after her kids so many times... now I find myself barely seeing her, when she does initiate contact she will phone me for a catch up and arrange a lunch day, I now tell her to organise it as I know 9 times out of 10 she will cancel on me or ask to rearrange to another day so she can change the bookings etc.

She recently got engaged & called me instantly to tell me adding - because I wanted you to hear it from me as one of my close friends, and she jumped right into plans, she told me I could be invited to the daytime meal but she was really limited on numbers so i'd just be coming by myself and then my partner (of 23 years who she knows very well I might add) could come in the evening, but she was worried I wouldn't know anybody there. Or the other option was to go to the church in the day, then leave for the afternoon and go back to the evening around 7ish. I told her id go in the day initially but the more I think about it I think I'll end up going just to the evening event with a few others who were invited.

My best friend has no found out she is off work for 2 weeks (works in a school setting so really hard for her to get term time off at all) and has asked to rearrange my 30th birthday trip from 2 years ago which was cancelled due to Covid. This means that were not going to be paying through the nose for the holiday we were due to go on in the summer term time.

So I have this choice to go on holiday for my delayed birthday trip or attend the evening event from a friend. AIBU for potentially upsetting a friend for prioritising a holiday over her evening invite?

OP posts:
StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 19/01/2022 12:00

Go on the holiday. Have a ball.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/01/2022 12:01

If you're not invited to the day with your partner I'd prioritize the holiday.

CorneliusVetch · 19/01/2022 12:04

I think if she was that bothered about you going she would have made space for your partner in the day so I would go on the holiday. That said, people can sometimes get funny about their weddings and expecting it to take priority over everything. Maybe when you tell her you can spin it as there not being another time to go on holiday, and as she’s so tight on numbers you thought she wouldn’t mind.

Crunchymum · 19/01/2022 12:04

Go on the holiday!

But how the Hell has your friend managed to get 2 weeks off? This is unheard of for someone who works in a school.

ElleGettingBetter · 19/01/2022 12:05

Go on the holiday. She’s not a friend.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 19/01/2022 12:07

Wait...you're 32 and you've been with your partner for 23 years? Or your partner is 23 years old?

Maxiemoo10 · 19/01/2022 12:07

@crunchymum She's not a teacher or TA - Her department she's based in is is closing for refurbishment and building works so they've been told they could move to another dept or take holiday on reduced pay

OP posts:
Maxiemoo10 · 19/01/2022 12:09

StrychnineInTheSandwiches Grin sorry my Freudian slip there, its my 40th. but still gonna pretend as if its my 30th haha

OP posts:
ChimChimeny · 19/01/2022 12:12

Maybe when you tell her you can spin it as there not being another time to go on holiday, and as she’s so tight on numbers you thought she wouldn’t mind.

This is a good.approach as.It sounds like you are doing her a favour so she can't really complain

autienotnaughty · 19/01/2022 12:36

I think you should do the holiday but be aware This person will probably fall out with you over it so it depends how you feel about it.

Liverbird77 · 19/01/2022 12:40

For all those people saying she's not a friend, why?
I did exactly the same when I got married, and all my friends understood. We were extremely limited in numbers in the day so I could not invite partners. Everybody still came.
Go on the holiday if you prefer, op, just let her know in good time!

itwasntaparty · 19/01/2022 13:09

Holiday. Sounds like the friendship is waining anyway.

Muthalucka · 19/01/2022 13:11

Holiday

NewMessageFrom · 19/01/2022 13:37

Go on holiday -

PinkiOcelot · 19/01/2022 13:48

Definitely holiday.

ChimChimeny · 19/01/2022 13:59

@Liverbird77

For all those people saying she's not a friend, why? I did exactly the same when I got married, and all my friends understood. We were extremely limited in numbers in the day so I could not invite partners. Everybody still came. Go on the holiday if you prefer, op, just let her know in good time!
From the OP:

now I find myself barely seeing her, when she does initiate contact she will phone me for a catch up and arrange a lunch day, I now tell her to organise it as I know 9 times out of 10 she will cancel on me or ask to rearrange to another day

Hardly sounds like a rock solid, good friendship

tanstaafl · 19/01/2022 14:12

Go on holiday.
Ask if you can Zoom into the ceremony , helps keep the numbers down.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 19/01/2022 14:18

Holiday. She hasn't prioritised you has she.

Rightshoardingsaurus · 19/01/2022 14:23

I vote Holiday too. You aren't an integral party to the wedding and relegated to second tier. Fair enough and up to the bride but it means that her wedding does not really have to be a priority for you either.

checkedcurtain · 19/01/2022 19:12

Go on holiday as that's clearly what you'd prefer but just know in doing so you might lose the friendship you have. If you are ok with that go ahead.
Sometimes friendships go up and down. She invited you to the whole day and it sounds like a small wedding so I actually think she still really values you but I think you value her less. Not that that's wrong but prepare for her to be hurt.

Isababybel · 19/01/2022 19:17

Definitely go on the holiday and have a fab time with your actual true friend.

Fraine · 19/01/2022 19:20

You will regret going to that wedding. Don't do it.

TolkiensFallow · 19/01/2022 19:20

Holiday

ImInStealthMode · 19/01/2022 19:26

@Liverbird77

For all those people saying she's not a friend, why? I did exactly the same when I got married, and all my friends understood. We were extremely limited in numbers in the day so I could not invite partners. Everybody still came. Go on the holiday if you prefer, op, just let her know in good time!
Wow, is this really a thing? I thought we were being a bit mean not giving plus ones to single friends, but we've invited all established partners (even ones we're not mad keen on).
christingle2 · 19/01/2022 19:26

Honestly she doesn’t see you as an integral part of the wedding, so who cares. I would just message her to let her know you can’t attend as soon as you can so she can plan accordingly. I doubt she will be that fussed because as you say, you’re not close any more. You don’t really have to justify why you can’t attend either

Depending on how you feel about her, you could offer to do something another time eg see her at the hen party, or send her a wedding gift

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