To be sad friend didn’t tell me she’s pregnant or that she had the baby…

[Onelastsong]

We met at work a few years ago. We instantly got on well. For context, she had been there 4 years prior but did not have any work friendships. This became a running joke in the office with colleagues saying she has been hibernating until I came along. We met outside of work and became good friends. She was one of the first people to know I was pregnant and would ask to know everything about my pregnancy and asked lots of questions etc.

I had told her about my previous loss and anxiety of having a baby again. She confined in me that she was unable to have children after an accident and also had a huge fear of sickness and needles but was curious about pregnancy hence the questions. She would say her husband wanted children although I never probed what she said, I wondered what they would do as they both wanted different things.

She was one of the first to visit once baby was born and everything was lovely. Then lockdown happened and we couldn’t meet but she wouldn’t contact as much so I would reach out a lot more than she did. I went into a new role for a different organisation which she knew about. She congratulated me. The messages were more and more one sided.

Randomly one day she said she has applied to the company dh works for and she’s excited as dh could show her pics of baby and if he could put in a good word for her… and then that was it.

Today by chance I came across something and realised she had a baby and currently on maternity leave. I didn’t even know she was pregnant….

I absolutely wish her all the best but I can’t help wonder why the friendship fizzled out and why she didn’t want to share her news with me. I’m not sure whether to reach out and message her. We were genuinely good friends and I think how ‘involved’ she was during my pregnancy but I didn’t even know about hers.

I did think about sending a message but I don’t know? For whatever reason, she doesn’t seem to want me in her life anymore.

I had the same thing with my "buddy" at work (as I was new, a woman had volunteered to be my buddy, not a formal mentoring role just social). I got pregnant three months into the new job and had to declare it to my manager really soon as morning sickness was so bad. I didn't tell everyone, but I did tell Buddy and a few other close colleagues (I had to jump out of lessons to be sick etc).
When we met to have cake/coffee a few times before lockdown, Buddy asked lots of (sympathetic) questions about my morning sickness, other symptoms, plans for mat leave etc etc. I answered warmly but noticed she kept deflecting any change of subject back to me.

Turns out, she was pregnant all along too with a very similar due date! Never told me (although told one or two others as a strict secret) and kept asking me questions about my own pregnancy. I felt like an idiot. Why not keep pregnancy off the conversation if she didn't want to tell me? I've never let her back into my confidence since.

Maybe the baby was carried by a surrogate DM if she had fertility problems.
Maybe she has PND.
Maybe she done a life clear out.
Yanbu to feel hurt for the news with being so close.
I'd send a congratulations message.
I think she is a user.

You’ve lost contact like many people during covid for all sorts of reasons. If you want to be her friend, just contact her and ask to meet up for a coffee. I wouldn’t have many friends left if I put all mine in the bin after they forgot to reply to a single message. Sounds like neither of you have made a huge amount of effort.

I have a friend - we were best friends about 10 years ago, but we drifted a bit, got back in touch, I had DC1, and then about 18 months later we then drifted again. Contact became a 'once every few months text' type of relationship. I then got pregnant with DC2 and in the one brief text catch-up we had while I was pregnant, I didn't say I was pregnant. I think I hadn't had my 20 week scan yet and was very anxious during pregnancy, so still only people who were close to me knew. I don’t use social media so there was nothing on there or anything. Then lockdown hit.

When she texted me a few months later I had had DC2 and so I told her then I'd just had a baby, and I know she was feeling a bit 'WTF, how have you had a baby and I didn't even know you were pregnant?' but, tbh, she didn't know because we hadn't really been in touch (and it was her who had put the distance between us this time), and I was cautiousabouttalkingabout the pregnancyin case I jinxed it, so I wasn't advertising it.

So maybe it's similar for her? If she had fertility issues, maybe she had very conflicting feelings around it and wasn't publicising it. Then once the baby is here, it does feel hard/weird to suddenly tell people "oh, I had a baby" so sometimes you just don't contact people out of the blue to say.

I think social media distorts people's expectations of who should know what. People expect everyone's life events to be plastered all over the Internet, but if you're not a SM type person then obviously people will only know your news if they are actually making an effort to have a real-world relationship with you!

If so, is your DH the babies father?

There's always one isn't there?!

I had something really similar, but with a childhood best friend. I only found out she was pregnant as I had a dream she was about to give birth and told her about it, then she admitted it. She had moved abroad so we hadn't seen each other in a year. Anyway, she had the baby and I was really happy for her and asked her to send me a photo, which she did of the top of her head Apparently she doesn't feel comfortable sending photos to random people. I drew a line right there and decided that we obviously weren't as close as I had thought.

She may have had a high risk pregnancy, adopted or surrogacy; those would all be good reasons not to chat to people about it.

You two used to get on well; friendship doesn't need to be a binary on/off, if you want to rekindle the friendship then put in some warm effort and see what happens. If she responds warmly then great, if not you can ask her why not or walk away.

When I came into the role she was unhappy in her job. She would always say it wasn’t the same after I left. Then 6 months later she said she applied to dh company and if he could put in a good word for her. However, her application was rejected (didn’t have a vital requirement) and she didn’t get through the initial stages. It was after that she withdrew and from my understanding was pregnant around that time too.

She didn’t have work friends and was “a loner” as colleagues said, until I came along. She was non confrontational and her was taken advantage of because of that. She always said when I came along I helped her come out her shell and stand up for herself. She was lovely and I saw her become confident through our friendship and we considered each other good friends.

But now looking back, I can see there was some things that didn’t add up and she perhaps struggled to reach out, for whatever reason.

I do wish her all the best and may reach out to see how she is doing and leave it up to her to decide. I know I am not her top priority right now and I don’t take that to heart! Thank you for taking the time to message

Are you sure she was pregnant and the child is her biological child?

There could be a valid reason she's not shared things with you. Perhaps the child is adopted, fostered, a relatives child they're unable to care for and she didnt want to share the process or story.

It may be she didnt tell you she was trying for a child through whatever means (IVF, Adoption etc) as she was applying for a job at your DH's work and thought it may go against her.

I'd message her and be open. Offer congratulations and say you'd love to meet up with her. See what happens. If she makes no effort then no friendship there. If she's happy to meet then alls good. Give her the benefit of the doubt until you know more.

I wouldn’t contact her again. You have done plenty of running, she knows where you are if she wan to to get in touch.

She had no trouble messaging you excitedly when she thought there was something in it for her (help from your DH in getting a job at his company)

I'd assume she was embarrassed about the knock back on the job, and potentially paranoid that your DH has told you embarrassing details about her shit application (in her mind). She also may have not told anyone about the mat leave as she was worried about jinxing it/ having to deal with intrusive questions/ having a hard time co.mitting to it for the reasons she's already explained. Top that off with pandemic amd she's a but socially inept, it all adds up to Its Not You, OP. I would send a message but not worry in any way if I didn't hear back. How she behaves isn't about how she feels about you as much as it is about how she feels about herself.

She didn't think she could have a baby so when she became pregnant, she was super anxious and paranoid and didn't want to tell people on case it didn't work out.

Or maybe she has adopted?

So much time has now gone by that she doesn't feel able to reach out

Send a text. Say you heard she had a baby and hope she's well and you're really happy for her

She is clearly a very privately person

I agree it's possible that she didn't carry the child so maybe surrogacy or adoption. Or she might have been unwell or worried about the pregnancy especially if she's had fertility issues.
I didn't announce my last pregnancy at all, a previous miscarriage plus severe HG meant I just didn't feel I wanted to share anything until the baby was born.

Are you sure she was pregnant and the child is her biological child?

This. What makes you think she has a child? What did you see?

When was the last time you even spoke or were in contact with her? If it's long enough for her to have a baby then that to me is not a friendship. She either doesn't want to be friends anymore for whatever reason or you were never friends in the first place, just acquaintances. Either way I wouldn't be getting in touch with her.