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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad friend didn’t tell me she’s pregnant or that she had the baby…

41 replies

Onelastsong · 18/01/2022 22:50

We met at work a few years ago. We instantly got on well. For context, she had been there 4 years prior but did not have any work friendships. This became a running joke in the office with colleagues saying she has been hibernating until I came along. We met outside of work and became good friends. She was one of the first people to know I was pregnant and would ask to know everything about my pregnancy and asked lots of questions etc.

I had told her about my previous loss and anxiety of having a baby again. She confined in me that she was unable to have children after an accident and also had a huge fear of sickness and needles but was curious about pregnancy hence the questions. She would say her husband wanted children although I never probed what she said, I wondered what they would do as they both wanted different things.

She was one of the first to visit once baby was born and everything was lovely. Then lockdown happened and we couldn’t meet but she wouldn’t contact as much so I would reach out a lot more than she did. I went into a new role for a different organisation which she knew about. She congratulated me. The messages were more and more one sided.

Randomly one day she said she has applied to the company dh works for and she’s excited as dh could show her pics of baby and if he could put in a good word for her… and then that was it.

Today by chance I came across something and realised she had a baby and currently on maternity leave. I didn’t even know she was pregnant….

I absolutely wish her all the best but I can’t help wonder why the friendship fizzled out and why she didn’t want to share her news with me. I’m not sure whether to reach out and message her. We were genuinely good friends and I think how ‘involved’ she was during my pregnancy but I didn’t even know about hers.

I did think about sending a message but I don’t know? For whatever reason, she doesn’t seem to want me in her life anymore.

OP posts:

Mickarooni · 18/01/2022 22:58

It sounds like she sees you as an acquaintance and not a friend, which must hurt but clearly you view each other differently.

thefirstmrsrochester · 18/01/2022 22:58

These past two years have been mental, send her a message of congrats because you are delighted for her. I wouldn’t think necessarily that the friendship has fizzed out at this point.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/01/2022 23:03

Onelastsong
Randomly one day she said she has applied to the company dh works for and she’s excited as dh could show her pics of baby and if he could put in a good word for her… and then that was it.

Did she get that job?

eekbumbler · 18/01/2022 23:03

9 months out of these last 2 years must have flown by. Add to that the stress she must have been feeling covid fear wise. Send her a card, maybe she's dying to get in touch with you but feels she has left it too long. If she doesn't reply, you have your answer.

Blueeilidh · 18/01/2022 23:03

There could be any number of reasons why she didn't tell you. The last couple of years have had profound effects on everyone but if you see her as a friend it is worth reaching out again.

BeenHereForAges · 18/01/2022 23:06

I'd leave it tbh OP. Sounds like she only got in touch so your DH could put in a good word for her at work. That's not a friend I'm afraid.

MrsPotatoHead22 · 18/01/2022 23:07

@Theblacksheepandme

Onelastsong Randomly one day she said she has applied to the company dh works for and she’s excited as dh could show her pics of baby and if he could put in a good word for her… and then that was it.

Did she get that job?

I'm thinking the same...

If so, is your DH the babies father? Sorry for putting a spin on things.

Enough4me · 18/01/2022 23:08

Maybe she sees you as successful and confident (she asked you lots of questions) but feels more nervous at building and keeping friendships (no friends in the office before you, now Covid times).

Send a brief note, "just heard your news, really happy for you. I know things are busy with a baby, but be lovely to catch up for a coffee/walk sometime". You have offered and if she prefers being alone or sticking with others I wouldn't bother again.

ladycarlotta · 18/01/2022 23:10

I think there could be many reasons, like others have pointed out these last two years have been isolating and overwhelming, but also if she and her partner were so at odds over becoming parents, she may have had complex feelings about her pregnancy, even prenatal depression and so on... it might have been hard for her to celebrate it the way you celebrated yours, if she felt in any way conflicted over it, or if it was unplanned.

Original poster

Onelastsong · 18/01/2022 23:11

No, she didn’t get the job. I can sympathise with have a baby in a pandemic because I had one too and so I can understand the anxiety that it brings. I guess it’s because as she text about jobs etc she didn’t mention she was pregnant. And as she didn’t reply to the last message I sent, I left it at that. I knew her very well and we was similar in many ways and I think deep down I know she doesn’t see me as a friend anymore, hence not reaching out. I will think about reaching out but worried it may not be well received. She probably would be confused as to how I even discovered it, it was a complete coincidence that I came across something and put two and two together.

OP posts:

Spottybotty20 · 18/01/2022 23:11

I had a baby over lockdown, didn’t really tell people I was pregnant seemed an odd thing to do. I did post a photo of the baby on my social media but I have very few friends on there so many of my ex colleagues might not be aware I’ve had her

HollowTalk · 18/01/2022 23:13

Quite honestly I think she got back in touch because she wanted you to put in a good word with your husband so that she would get that job. Now that she hasn't had the job, I doubt you'll hear from her again.

eagerlywaitingfor · 18/01/2022 23:16

she's excited as dh could show her pics of baby

Erm... surely that means that she's excited because your dh could show her some pictures of your baby?

mobear · 18/01/2022 23:18

I had a baby during lockdown and didn’t tell very many people. Seemed an odd thing to bring up out of the blue ‘remotely’ and after a certain amount of time had passed I just didn’t know what to say.

SmellyOldOwls · 18/01/2022 23:20

'
Did she get that job?
I'm thinking the same...

If so, is your DH the babies father? Sorry for putting a spin on things'

Blimey calm down, it's not an episode of Eastenders, I'm sure OPs DH is not the babies father.

Enough4me · 18/01/2022 23:21

Not to derail, but congrats to all who had babies in lockdown, including OP on here. It must have been a bit lonely to have restricted movement and babies.

LittleNightin · 18/01/2022 23:21

Could the baby be adopted and she doesn't want people to know? because she told you she couldn't have kids, so maybe that's why she's not told you about the pregnancy and the birth.

massiveblob · 18/01/2022 23:27

Lockdown was odd. People were in survival mode. I barely spoke to people as nothing to say. We were working flat out. Very few people really contacted us. Yes it's a bit odd but I just think she just saw the friendship as more casual than you did

Theblacksheepandme · 18/01/2022 23:29

Do you think she was convinced that if your husband put in a good word that she would get the job? When she didn't get the job she was cross with you. If that's the case she isn't a good friend. Unless you made her think that she would get the job.

Christ MrsPotatoHead22 it's not a soap opera and I was definitely not thinking that.

ESGdance · 18/01/2022 23:34

She confined in me that she was unable to have children after an accident and also had a huge fear of sickness and needles but was curious about pregnancy hence the questions. She would say her husband wanted children although I never probed what she said, I wondered what they would do as they both wanted different things.

Does the timing of her non response tie in with her being pregnant? Maybe she didn’t want to be pregnant? Maybe being pregnant was a huge threat to her health? Or a huge shock? So she wanted to lie low or is traumatised.

I would put out a call one more time. Or are you embarrassed about how you found out?

How old is her baby now? She may have PND?

She may have withdrawn from you or lots of people for various reasons. There may well be a time when she wants to get back in touch - I would leave the door open.

However I am wondering what sort of person she is if workplace described her as hibernating? Was she just whipped up in your energy possibly?

Bekind2yourself · 18/01/2022 23:43

@SmellyOldOwls

' Did she get that job? I'm thinking the same...

If so, is your DH the babies father? Sorry for putting a spin on things'

Blimey calm down, it's not an episode of Eastenders, I'm sure OPs DH is not the babies father.

This ⬆️ 🙄

whatsmyusername · 18/01/2022 23:59

After having fertility concerns and problem pregnancy in lockdown and birth I can understand why she may not tell anyone. We didn't announce it and even now I see people who didn't know of our baby 8+ months. Don't be offended she hasn't told you, however you do know now and I think it won't hurt to wish her well and congratulate her. She may be thinking how to get in touch with you as she hadn't told you may feel awkward. If she doesn't reply after some time then you know. She will be in a baby whirl wind so don't expect and instant response either. She may well have been isolating due to Covid and just the associated fear of loosing the baby especially if she thought it would never happen for her. Eitherway you've nothing to loose.

greenlynx · 18/01/2022 23:59

Could be various reasons as people suggested:
She didn’t want to tell about her pregnancy because she wasn’t sure if it would successful.
She has some issues: PND, issues with baby or something else which she doesn’t want to share.
She moved on with her life and doesn’t have time/ space for your friendship.

VioletRose91 · 19/01/2022 00:01

I’d put a fiver on her only messaging you before to try and get your DH to put on a good word with that job, and seeing as she didn’t get it she has no use for you. Shes not a friend OP she’s just a ex work associate, using you like it’s LinkedIn.

I’d just let her go tbh.

Sort0f · 19/01/2022 00:05

Usually I’d say you were work friends not life friends and it’s fizzled out.

But given how insane the last two years have been I really think it’s worth taking a more open view.

People became very caught up in their interior words and became desocialised/shy.

There are a variety of things that mean she didn’t tell you. Things she would have gotten over in normal circumstances but just didn’t get past due to everything else going on.

She might not have wanted to tell you because it was high risk, or because she felt awkward telling you sure to your own fears. She may just have withdrawn from the world or lost relatives and been grieving.

So I’d give it another chance or a little bit of time to come right.

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