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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Oh well it’s only skin cancer”

38 replies

FedUp6789 · 18/01/2022 16:47

My mom died recently and we have just had her funeral. She died of cancer after a very long 10 years of various diagnosis and stages of cancer. She was my absolute best friend. Yesterday my dad got diagnosed with Skin cancer, only 3 weeks after my moms death. Multiple times I have been told today “ah well at least it’s only skin cancer”

Just because it’s skin cancer doesn’t mean it’s any less devastating or upsetting that my dad now has cancer too. He’s the kind of man who’s never been ill or injured and the most he’s suffered with is a cold. It’s come as a huge shock. I wish people wouldn’t minimise it “just because it’s skin cancer”

AIBU to be really fucked off with being told this? Yes it could be much worse but I’ve already experienced that with my mom whose cancer eventually spread to her brain. He’s still got to have an operation, biopsy and radiotherapy because of how deep the tumour is under his skin.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 18/01/2022 16:49

Some people are very poorly-informed. You are right to be upset about such comments.

RoseMAR · 18/01/2022 16:52

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. Losing your mum is horrendous but your dad now being ill is such a blow.

Do the people making these comments know about your mum? If not, I'd try and turn the other cheek and put it down to ignorance but still be irritated. If they do know, I think you're perfectly within your rights to be annoyed at them. Cancer is cancer, it terrifying, debilitating and a huge shock for everyone - no matter the prognosis. Unfortunately I think a lot of people see cancer through rose tinted glasses (so to speak) unless they've gone through it either through a loved one or themselves. They're most likely not meaning to be spiteful, just thoughtless in their words.

Sending you hugs x

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2022 16:54

Any sentence that starts with “at least…” needs to go in the bin. It’s almost always follows with something stupid.

Sorry for your loss and sorry for your insensitive friend. You wouldn’t have been out of order to snap back at them with both barrels. My friend had a late diagnosis of her melanoma and sadly died before she was thirty. I really hope your dad’s cancer is treatable. Flowers

Suzi888 · 18/01/2022 16:58

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

I agree with pp, cancer is cancer. It’s scary- the end! Whoever is diagnosed with it is very, very brave.

Whoever said this to you is ignorant and insensitive.

queenMab99 · 18/01/2022 17:00

My father had an accident at work and fractured his spine, someone I know said, 'it could have been worse, he could have broken his back' I didn't quite know how to respond. I also notice some respond by saying they know some one with the same illness or injury, and say what a lovely person they are and really don't deserve it. As if my relative deserves whatever it is.

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 17:01

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear about both your parents. This must be so stressful and traumatic for you.

Whoever says that to you should get straight in the bin. Absolutely knobends.

I hope your dads tests come back with promising results.

Comedycook · 18/01/2022 17:02

I doubt people have bad intentions when they say that...they are probably just trying to not make you feel worse, although failing!

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2022 17:04

@Comedycook

I doubt people have bad intentions when they say that...they are probably just trying to not make you feel worse, although failing!
That doesn’t make it ok.
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 18/01/2022 17:06

YANBU.

My lovely lovely grandad had skin cancer, it was treated but it spread and ultimately killed him. He died 21 years ago and I still miss him. He would have loved my kids.

Flowers I’m so sorry for your loss

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2022 17:07

Whoever is diagnosed with it is very, very brave.

This can get in the bin as well. The language around cancer is often really unhelpful.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-47002578

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/01/2022 17:10

I'm so sorry op Flowers

I had this just over a year ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. People just trying to make it better because "at least....".

I feel like they think they are helping by minimalising it, whereas it would be far more sincere to acknowledge its absolutely shit and that you're justifiably worried.

I hope your dad makes a full recovery op, and I wish you all the strength to help him through it.

irregularegular · 18/01/2022 17:11

I'm sorry for what you are going through. People can say some very stupid things, even if they mean well. Regardless of the relative prognosis of different types of cancer, when somebody is struggling with bad news, the words "At least...." are rarely helpful and often extremely annoying!!!!!

irregularegular · 18/01/2022 17:12

Whoever is diagnosed with it is very, very brave.

Well, no. Not necessarily. And why should they be!!!!!?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/01/2022 17:13

Whoever is diagnosed with it is very, very brave.

That's bullshit.

I was diagnosed during lockdown and had lots of waiting to do, I wasn't brave, it wasn't my choice, I was scared shitless. This 'Cancer = bravery" rhetoric puts us on a pedestal and puts extra pressure on those who have cancer.

PattyPan · 18/01/2022 17:40

Sorry for your loss Flowers

My dad had skin cancer too, and it really was 'just' skin cancer - it was removed really easily by the GP. Probably people don't realise that your dad's case is more serious - or indeed that skin cancer can be serious at all. I think we need a lot more public awareness on skin cancer.

flippertyop · 18/01/2022 17:42

To be honest I know three older people with skin cancer and it's treated with creams and now and again they have to have some of it removed. I think what they mean is it's very treatable but perhaps they are positioning it wrong!

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 17:46

@flippertyop

To be honest I know three older people with skin cancer and it's treated with creams and now and again they have to have some of it removed. I think what they mean is it's very treatable but perhaps they are positioning it wrong!
My grandad had a harder time with his skin cancer than relatives with lung, breast or bowel cancer have.

He died eventually but it was a slow and horrible process and he was poorly for a long time.

CharlotteRose90 · 18/01/2022 17:47

I think it’s because in some cases skin cancer is just seen as a mole or spot that’s gone bad. My mums had skin cancer twice now and it’s awful. Both cases she’s just had an operation but we’re always on alert with her now as it can and will come back. I’m sorry you’ve had the crappy comments and I’m so sorry about your mum.

EmpressCixi · 18/01/2022 17:47

I’ve had skin cancer, have a new lesion now that I’m waiting to get assessed been referred by GP and all that. I’ve had 3 melanomas and 2 basal cell carcinomas.

I have noted though that people react dismissively when I say “skin cancer” but are more sympathetic when I say “melanoma”. I think it might be because there are lots of different types of skin cancers, some of which are fairly benign which makes people less afraid/concerned.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. People shouldn’t act that way from saying skin cancer. Just saying I’ve noticed it too and only get sympathy when I say it’s a melanoma.

WeeFae · 18/01/2022 17:52

I'm so sorry OP, it's not ok for people to say that.

I also have cancer, I'm not brave, nor am I "fighting it", I am just getting on with my treatment which is brutal.

Whatever your Dad has ahead of him, I am sure he will be grateful for your support and I wish you both well.

Mo1911 · 18/01/2022 17:52

It really depends on what type of skin cancer he is. Many skin cancers are completely localised and don't spread so I can understand the "at least" part in such a situation.
My dad, fil and now bil have all had Basel cell carcinomas, bil is waiting to get his operated on just now, but no one has batted an eyelid because they're really not a worry.

Obviously other types are different and this coming on the back of losing your mum really does add insult to injury but hopefully it really is one of the ones which is a nuisance rather than anything more than that.

Take care of yourself

FabriqueBelgique · 18/01/2022 17:54

I’m so sorry for your dad, that must be a lot for him to deal with mentally Flowers

People assume a lot of things. I get your frustration, I’m surrounded by people that make me want to lose my shit by their stupidity sometimes! You can do some good by forgiving them and educating them about it. Especially with illness, people tend to be very blasé unless they’ve experienced it in their own lives and really get it.

Mo1911 · 18/01/2022 17:54

ps I should probably say that my hubby, bil, fil and myself are all nurses which undoubtedly helps in knowing where everything fits into the grand scheme of things.

madisonbridges · 18/01/2022 18:00

I m sorry to hear about your dad and hope they've caught it early. I can't believe anybody says, it's only, where cancer is concerned. Especially with what your mum went through.
However, to be charitable (which you don't and shouldn't need to be), basal cell carcinoma on the face rarely spreads, so maybe they thought it was that?

Oneforthemoneytwo · 18/01/2022 18:00

If it’s a standard skin cancer then it really is “at least it’s just” if it’s melanoma then of course that’s a real worry. I say this as someone who lost a partner to cancer. My reaction to a skin cancer or early cancer (my parent had a stage 1 melanoma) is “at least it’s just” because quite frankly the chances of it being terminal or needing invasive treatment is pretty slim, I try and look at it in perspective.

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