“Oh well it’s only skin cancer”

[FedUp6789]

My mom died recently and we have just had her funeral. She died of cancer after a very long 10 years of various diagnosis and stages of cancer. She was my absolute best friend. Yesterday my dad got diagnosed with Skin cancer, only 3 weeks after my moms death. Multiple times I have been told today “ah well at least it’s only skin cancer”

Just because it’s skin cancer doesn’t mean it’s any less devastating or upsetting that my dad now has cancer too. He’s the kind of man who’s never been ill or injured and the most he’s suffered with is a cold. It’s come as a huge shock. I wish people wouldn’t minimise it “just because it’s skin cancer”

AIBU to be really fucked off with being told this? Yes it could be much worse but I’ve already experienced that with my mom whose cancer eventually spread to her brain. He’s still got to have an operation, biopsy and radiotherapy because of how deep the tumour is under his skin.

I am sorry for your loss and your father's recent diagnosis.

As someone who has just 'skin cancer' or as it's actually referred to 'stage 4 metastatic melanoma cancer' I feel your anger, and if it's any consolation so does the melanoma community.... it is hard.

I put it down to the fact that up to likely about 7 or 8 years ago (due to lack of treatment) those that were diagnosed with advanced skin cancer had low survival opportunities so there were few people to fight the 'just skin cancer' view. However, that is changing dramatically and quickly with developments in treatment and care and so the voices will also change (I can personally attest to this).

On another note, if you're looking for a bit of support try the FB group 'Melanomamates'... very supportive and lots of people to answer questions you may have... and believe me, they all get the 'it's NOT JUST skin cancer' message....

I hope your father is getting the care and support needed.

That's awful. There are many kinds of skin cancer and some need to be treated quickly as spread. My BIL had a skin cancer but luckily is was the slow growing one so only a quick operation needed. Some people need to educate themselves as their attitude is far off!

Is it melanoma or basal cell carcinoma?

The first is potentially deadly, the other one 99% benign (as in it won't spread to other organs and won't kill you).

I can sort of understand their reaction if it's the latter.

Some people are really, really stupid. And it tends to show at the worst possible time.

YANBU.

DH has had many SCC’s removed & MOHs surgery and has to regularly check his lymph nodes, as well as have (pre Covid) 3 monthly full body checks with the skin cancer nurse at dermatology, it’s a worry to us that they are now 6 monthly because there is such a backlog. Yes many people have BCC’s which don’t really spread too much, but even these are dangerous if left.

I’m sorry for your loss & hope all goes well with your DF’s treatment.

Echoing the posters on reaction depending on type tbh. I’ve lost a parent, an uncle, two grandparents and a young cousin to cancer and (melanoma, liver, lung) etc but my remaining parent and brother have just skin cancer and I’m always grateful for the ‘just’. If it’s melanoma maybe say melanoma if you want to ward off some dismissive responses?

He’s still got to have an operation, biopsy and radiotherapy because of how deep the tumour is under his skin.

This is in the OP's opening post.

I really doubt this is a routine basal cell carcinoma situation.

My parent has had those for Sqaumos (so?) skin cancer. I’m not being dismissive but I guess for some people there’s context and actually I’d be thinking it was positive that it wasn’t melanoma (op hasn’t said I think)? Still worrying but I can see the ‘at least’ comments

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

He’s still got to have an operation, biopsy and radiotherapy because of how deep the tumour is under his skin.

This is in the OP's opening post.

I really doubt this is a routine basal cell carcinoma situation.

Agreed and until this is all complete there is no way of calling his prognosis.

I am so sorry that you have lost your DM so recently and have this situation to endure with your DF.

I don’t know if people minimise to make you feel better or ease their own discomfort. Whatever their intention the impact is hurtful.

I will admit, I was very ignorant of skin cancer when I was younger. I never took it seriously because I never heard of anyone dying from it. But as I've gotten older (and have a huge phobia of cancer) I understand how serious it can be. So I don't think you are BU at all. People need to get informed.

People are stupid in what they say but they are often, in a cack-handed kind of way, trying to be reassuring and kind.
It's just in appropriate in your circumstances though.

I've had melanoma and, while prognosis was good and it wasn't advanced, the surgery has left me with a permanent disability - a lot of skin cancers are not 'just' skin cancer. Saying that, I haven't had any insensitive comments.

Sending you and your dad all the best. Melanomamates like a op said on fb are great, though, as mine was stage 1b I prefer the stage 1 and 2 patients group as it's more relevant to me.

I’m sorry OP, melanoma is something we’re dealing with in our family, and I know from the community this is something people hear often, though it’s never been said to us.

I think because there are so many types, some very common and non-life threatening, people think it’s a quick mole removal without knowing what else can be involved. Often they’re just trying to say something positive too.

Hugs to you and please know that treatment options for skin cancer have improved dramatically in the last 5 years.