Not sure how to feel about ExH’s revelation

[Joined4this]

ExH grew up in a slightly neglected area where drugs were rife. When he was a teenager his group of friends were all into drugs and low-level criminal activity. Exh was easily led and could have easily been drawn into this life. Except- his dad offered to pay him not to break the law on condition he didn’t tell his mum. So, basically, Exh was walking around in designer clothes and getting a big allowance to not take drugs/commit crimes. It worked, he’s successful now and is thankful to his parent because at the time he thinks he couldn’t think straight. We were talking about it yesterday and he says if the time ever came he would do the same for his kids. I don’t know if this sends the right message honestly. What ever happened to teaching them to work hard? AIBU?

I mean I guess it depends on the child and the circumstances, if it was a last resort or you thought it was inevitable that your child was going to end up committing crimes otherwise then maybe I see his point but really I don't think that would apply to the majority of kids?

A parent will do whatever they can to ensure the DC take the right path in life. Well done that man if he can afford it.

If that's what it took to keep my children on the straight and narrow, I would do it.

I think early conversations about choices work though, my eldest is almost going to secondary school and we have lots of talks about making good choices and how choices effect your whole life. I have good examples of this in our lives though which he relates to.

Whilst I would hope it wasn't a strategy needed as standard, I can see that it might be effective in certain circumstances.

The evidence of your ex's life would appear to demonstrate this. You say he is now successful so it hasn't interfered with him learning to work hard.

What are the chances of him needing to do this?

I'd move my kids away from an area like that if I could afford to.

I don’t see the big deal? I know someone who did the same, their mum paid them to not get involved In gangs told them whatever they would get from it they would pay that amount to keep them from gangs, where I live it’s very easy for kids to get involved in gangs. It was a last resort.

No big drip feed he was very clever and did work hard, it was a small town with very little to do but get high. Most people got out when they could. Old people like it though. Exh was stubborn and couldn’t be told no. As soon as he moved out and saw a different life he changed his world view and grew up. It was only a couple of years that he got this money. It’s really interesting to see both views and so far, my kids are fairly sensible. Thinking about I would do anything to keep my kids safe.

If his dad could afford to pay him enough to entice him away from drugs why didn’t he just move the whole family away from the area?

I agree it goes against the grain to pay someone for what they should be doing anyway, but I don't know what I'd do if I lived in a gang area and I could see others' children bring sucked in. If giving my son money kept him out of that culture, then I guess that's what I'd do. Well done your husband's dad.

I live in the East of England; beautiful yet underfunded. The town centre is a little grotty yet it is popular with the elderly due to aforementioned beauty; young families like the cheap housing and space. There is just a lack of anything to do if you are 16-30. I doubt Exh’s family could afford to move and they also knew lots of people and were happy there.

@Dillydollydingdong

A parent will do whatever they can to ensure the DC take the right path in life. Well done that man if he can afford it.

Absolutely!

Theses strategies don’t work across the board of course but I think the beauty of this strategy is giving a teenage boy agency in his own outcome through choosing not to get involved in the bad stuff because of an immediate benefit as well as a long term benefit which made the right choice immediately more attractive. It’s all very well questioning whether it sends the right message overall, but sometimes we have to do what it takes to keep safe youngsters who are living in the moment and aren’t interested in the long term consequences of negative actions.

I don’t have a problem with the bribery but I think the “on the condition you don’t tell your mum” is awful.

I don't see a problem. My great grandma did similar with my grandad. She bet him a crown (now 25p) that he couldn't stop smoking. He was in his early 20s so this would have been in the 1920s and he stopped there and then, even though his father and sister both smoked. My grandad lived until he was 90 and told us all about it. None of my cousins smokes although my idiot sister does, but she's always been contrary.

After he died, my dad found the crown in his belongings. Whilst it made my dad emotional, he has kept it for posterity and it's probably worth quite a bit more now.

@Joined4this

ExH grew up in a slightly neglected area where drugs were rife. When he was a teenager his group of friends were all into drugs and low-level criminal activity. Exh was easily led and could have easily been drawn into this life. Except- his dad offered to pay him not to break the law on condition he didn’t tell his mum. So, basically, Exh was walking around in designer clothes and getting a big allowance to not take drugs/commit crimes. It worked, he’s successful now and is thankful to his parent because at the time he thinks he couldn’t think straight. We were talking about it yesterday and he says if the time ever came he would do the same for his kids. I don’t know if this sends the right message honestly. What ever happened to teaching them to work hard? AIBU?

But you just said yourself it worked and he is a success

I would absolutely do the same!

@Thirtytimesround

I don’t have a problem with the bribery but I think the “on the condition you don’t tell your mum” is awful.

The op's DH is at least not trying to hide it.

It's unconventional but I guess if it works then it's worth it. It would only be something I'd do out of sheer desperation really.

The only thing I would point out is is how damaging that simple sentence 'don't tell your mum' has very likely been to him - whether he realises it or not.

To have his father's lack of respect for his mother displayed so clearly. The lack of teamwork.

To teach him lying to your loved ones is ok - end justifies the means.

To instil in him that ultimately, it's ok for a child to be told to keep secrets from a parent like that.

I pay a big chunk of my income on my teenagers hobbies, as well as being good for them mentally and physically, I think it gives them another reason not to be tempted to do drugs. I suppose it's the same sort of thing really.

It worked with Exh because he could not lie to his dad and was basically a good person if a little stubborn. What if you try it and the kids just buy drugs with the money? Obviously you would stop paying but there would definitely be temptation to take the money and continue the bad behaviour?

His mum would never have gone for it is what I took from the conversation.

Anything that keeps teenage boys away from trouble and criminal exploitation has got to be worth it. When they’re being offered hundreds of pounds a week to transport and carry drugs, not much can compete with that.

I think his dad did what he needed to do to keep his son out of trouble and it worked. Every credit to your husband too for staying away from that life.

It's 2 separate things, paying him to behave and keeping it hidden from his mum. He can do one without the other. The first one's actually quite clever for the right kid.

Incentivising GCSE grades with cash works for some children too, but it would be a disaster for mine. think I'd be encouraging him to be open with you about it, but only decide when you both know what sort of teenager you have on your hands.

It's hardly character building. Not ideal parenting.

But I'd pay my dd to eat if she was anorexic.