Not sure how to feel about ExH’s revelation

[Joined4this]

ExH grew up in a slightly neglected area where drugs were rife. When he was a teenager his group of friends were all into drugs and low-level criminal activity. Exh was easily led and could have easily been drawn into this life. Except- his dad offered to pay him not to break the law on condition he didn’t tell his mum. So, basically, Exh was walking around in designer clothes and getting a big allowance to not take drugs/commit crimes. It worked, he’s successful now and is thankful to his parent because at the time he thinks he couldn’t think straight. We were talking about it yesterday and he says if the time ever came he would do the same for his kids. I don’t know if this sends the right message honestly. What ever happened to teaching them to work hard? AIBU?

I think that if he had a dad who was intuitive, involved and wealthy enough to propose this course of action, he wasn't really at risk of ending up in a gang/a criminal anyway.

Does he really think that it was the designer clothes that kept him on the straight and narrow? Surely the fact that his dad could understand the situation and the temptation and talk to him about it was a much more important factor, and the real message to take forward.

I think you're spot on @CatSpeakForDummies

@blogbunny

Anything that keeps teenage boys away from trouble and criminal exploitation has got to be worth it. When they’re being offered hundreds of pounds a week to transport and carry drugs, not much can compete with that.

I think his dad did what he needed to do to keep his son out of trouble and it worked. Every credit to your husband too for staying away from that life.

This. My child is given £50 if they bring home an excellent school report or a "present" of their choice - usually cheaper than £50 tbh. They'll get £50 for every GCSE. It's instilling good habits and showing that effort brings rewards. I see nothing wrong with it at all.

I find the idea that we shouldn't pay kids to do things weird, some people call it bribery. We all go to work and are paid 'bribed' to do so!

Given the alternative and he turned out alright YABU, but I am kinda with you too! I’m from a rough area but focused on education as my escape.
My parents didn’t have any money to bribe me with! But I was pretty motivated anyway as I loved school.

@Joined4this

It worked with Exh because he could not lie to his dad and was basically a good person if a little stubborn. What if you try it and the kids just buy drugs with the money? Obviously you would stop paying but there would definitely be temptation to take the money and continue the bad behaviour?

I still don't get your issue?

You seem a bit negative about the nature of your children! Your ex was a good person. Your kids will hopefully also be good people.

Knowing how much rehab can cost, I'd rather pay that upfront and avoid all the negative outcomes of that kind of lifestyle than watch out happen and have to pick up the pieces.

I dunno OP. It worked… I live in a bad area myself and I am fearful for when my kids are teens and I need to give them the freedom to mix with new people and worry about what they could fall into. Sometimes even the best parenting isn’t enough to curb peer pressure. Even “good” kids get caught underage drinking, multiply that by being in a bad area with bad crowds on every corner and the opportunity and extent of fucking up is higher

"What if you try it and the kids just buy drugs with the money?"

It isn't just the cash, his Dad funded what teens see drug dealers having, designer clothes etc, so he never felt tempted by any of it. Teens get shown lives that very few of them can achieve by legitimately working, so they do what they need to, to get by. It worked. The world is changing and we need changing parenting methods.