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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage end, new relationship

37 replies

bentley16 · 17/01/2022 20:29

This is my first post on mumsnet so here goes...AIBU in thinking that my husband of 24 years and who walked out on our marriage beginning of November 2021 is being insensitive and disrespectful by starting a new relationship within a few weeks of leaving me, even telling me he's never been happier and that in six months to a years time I will see it's the right thing to have happened.He left fairly
suddenly without any warning and swears that nothing started between him and the OW until after he left me and he left me because we are different people and he feels like he didn't reach his potential in life but that I did, I'm a mom working part time in a job I love but feel that I could have reached so much more of my potential if I hadn't sacrificed what I wanted to do to raise a family and to allow him to do things he wanted to do. Since leaving he has told me that he has had no romantic feelings for me for a long time and that he wants to feel in love and not wonder what it would be like! The OW was friends with him for a few years and is going through her own separation from her husband and I feel this is in part behind why he left. He has detonated a huge bomb in our family life and just walked away enjoying his new almost single life whilst I am struggling to come to terms with the loss of our marriage and with him being with another woman and he seems to think I should be ok with that, which I'm not. Any ideas of how I can stop the pain taking over my life and to stop feeling so worthless.

OP posts:
Diggersaursarethebest · 17/01/2022 20:35

Stop talking to him? I know you probably need to discuss finances and quite probably arrangements for your children if you have children. But you don’t need to hear about his new girlfriend. It’s not relevant. Next time he starts up, tell him you’re not interested and he needs to find someone else to talk to you about dating. Then bring the conversation straight back to the practical necessary stuff.

dustofneptune · 17/01/2022 20:37

He's done you a favour in showing how absolutely spineless and selfish he is. You will see that, but not in the way he intended. This is your opportunity to take hold of what YOU want from your life, moving forward, and create an entirely different, more joyful reality for yourself. You have a blank canvas to play with - and it's all yours. You'll come to see that this is exciting and a huge blessing in disguise.

Your worth is not based on his behaviour. His behaviour is bullshit. He sounds like a right prat.

MsWalterMitty · 17/01/2022 20:37

As above…

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 17/01/2022 20:39

What a fucking wanker

Catastrophejane · 17/01/2022 20:55

You may know this already, but I think what is making you angry is the fact that he is gaslighting you and not being honest about what happened here.

It sounds suspiciously like he had an affair. You clearly suspect this, but he isn’t even allowing you to be justifiably angry and upset about it.

Let’s face it- his version of events doesn’t make sense. It’s why you’re finding this so difficult to come to terms with- people just don’t suddenly decide to end their marriage out of the blue.

Is there anyone you can confide in about this? Might help to get a friend’s view on this?

maddening · 17/01/2022 21:10

Yes I agree, he had an affair, you have every right to be angry, however use that anger to channel your steps to forge your new life, make plans and find your potential, no longer held back by someone who pretended to love you for convenience while he had an affair and left you on his own timetable.

Yanbu, but use it to move yourself forward.

Original poster
bentley16 · 17/01/2022 21:10

I am slowly beginning to realise this x

OP posts:
Original poster
bentley16 · 17/01/2022 21:23

We have two grown up children in their early twenties so we only have the financial arrangements for ourselves to sort out, so we rarely speak unless it's necessary , he doesn't talk about her to me it's just that I know she's there in the background and they are going out and about doing things we used to do, he was even going to have his Christmas Day dinner at a local pub with her, something I would have loved to have done but he never wanted to go when we were together, I know I need to let go and forget him and her but it's not easy x

OP posts:
Original poster
bentley16 · 17/01/2022 21:24

Thank you x

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/01/2022 21:26

What a lying, sleazy little toad. The trash took itself out.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2022 21:38

He left fairly suddenly without any warning and swears that nothing started between him and the OW until after he left me

He. Is. LYING. Men like him don't leave a warm bed for a cold one.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Start living your life, op. You can do any damn thing you please.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/01/2022 21:40

You need to get angry. He’s lying, of course he was shagging her/thinking about shagging her before he left.
He’s a twat, be glad he’s gone.

Aubree17 · 17/01/2022 21:42

How old are you OP? It's never too late to realise your potential.

I recommend starting some projects. Any kind. Set yourself some goals.

Let's take out the best version of you and let the loser see what he's missing.

I can almost guarantee it won't work with the OW. Once the excitement and sneaking around dies he'll probably realise what a fool he's been.

Finally get a good lawyer.

Original poster
bentley16 · 17/01/2022 22:13

I'm 55 this march, I've already started to set goals for myself I have started doing 1 new thing every month of the year that I have never done before and that starts with the corresponding letter of the month eg January I'm keeping a journal, February flying a bird of prey, etc so hopefully this will kickstart my new life. They are in the honeymoon period at the minute but the grass isn't always greener, and life will eventually become mundane for them but I will have moved on with my new life, I have already got legal advice as I think he thought I would just take his word concerning the financial aspects but I'm not the pushover he thought I was. X

OP posts:
SarahovWelby · 17/01/2022 22:24

Go 'no contact' and cold shoulder him for your own sanity. Look upon the situation as a bereavement. The marriage and life you thought existed has died and the husband you knew gone. It makes it easier to accept you are now on your own and therefore may never get satisfactory answers to exactly why and what happened. Do not believe anything he tells you justifying his affair/new life or accept any blame he may heap on you. He in affair fog, looking at life through rose tinted specs. People who have affairs and behave appallingly are damaged and have no remorse or loyalty to their shell shocked grieving spouse left to pick their self esteem up from the floor. You will get through and over this period however unfair it seems on you at the moment.

Keep busy, take every hour at a time never mind days and surround yourself with good friends. Take up a new hobby, enjoy some beauty pampering sessions and treat yourself to some new clothing if your purse can stretch to this. All the above helps.

Get a good lawyer who encourages you to focus on the financials which in the long run will be far more important than dwelling on the utter injustice of his current behaviour.

Thinking of you OP

HelloFrostyMorning · 18/01/2022 11:43

@dustofneptune

He's done you a favour in showing how absolutely spineless and selfish he is. You will see that, but not in the way he intended. This is your opportunity to take hold of what YOU want from your life, moving forward, and create an entirely different, more joyful reality for yourself. You have a blank canvas to play with - and it's all yours. You'll come to see that this is exciting and a huge blessing in disguise.

Your worth is not based on his behaviour. His behaviour is bullshit. He sounds like a right prat.

Amen to this! ^

I'm so sorry this has happened to you @bentley16 What a bastard. Hmm And yeah, as a pp said, when he starts prattling on about how wonderful his new relationship is, just be blunt. Say 'shut the fuck up! Why the fuck would you think need to hear this? What's your game?'

I would tell him it sounds like he's over-egging the pudding, as it does to me TBH. Do they 'hunz' and 'babes' and 'mwah mwah mwah' on fakebook as well?!

You are worth soooo much better than this tickturd of an ex, and you will find someone worthy of you.

Also, I am sorry to say this, but he is lying when he says they weren't together before he left you. Nevertheless. Good riddance to bad twatty rubbish.

Also, I give his new 'relationship' 1 to 2 years. The novelty will wear off soon, and he will realise life with her is no better than it was with you. He will very likely realise it was better with you.

DO NOT have him back!

Iamnotamermaid · 18/01/2022 11:54

@bentley16

I'm 55 this march, I've already started to set goals for myself I have started doing 1 new thing every month of the year that I have never done before and that starts with the corresponding letter of the month eg January I'm keeping a journal, February flying a bird of prey, etc so hopefully this will kickstart my new life. They are in the honeymoon period at the minute but the grass isn't always greener, and life will eventually become mundane for them but I will have moved on with my new life, I have already got legal advice as I think he thought I would just take his word concerning the financial aspects but I'm not the pushover he thought I was. X
Well done - this is exactly what you should be doing. You have every right to be angry at him but what is done is done, do not let him make you feel like this is your fault. It was his choice. Move on and turn this around to your advantage. You no longer have a miserable bastard with zero emotional intelligence to contend with who will just cramp your style. Plan something nice for your birthday and celebrate your freedom.
LittleOwl153 · 18/01/2022 12:00

He'll change his tune when he realises he will have to share his pension...

make sure you get a good financial deal. You may not have kids to look after now - but looking after little ones cost you alot over the years!

Brainwave89 · 18/01/2022 12:24

He is a liar. He was seeing this women before. You deserve better. Close him down, move on. Only speak to him when you need to. Had a friend who went through the same. Three years on she has a lovely new BF. Her ex is a sad and now lonely man.

Brainwave89 · 18/01/2022 12:25

Oh and make sure you take every penny you can.

ChargingBuck · 18/01/2022 12:37

@Diggersaursarethebest

Stop talking to him? I know you probably need to discuss finances and quite probably arrangements for your children if you have children. But you don’t need to hear about his new girlfriend. It’s not relevant. Next time he starts up, tell him you’re not interested and he needs to find someone else to talk to you about dating. Then bring the conversation straight back to the practical necessary stuff.
Yup.

The ONLY communication you need with him is:

  1. via your solicitor for the divorce
  2. via Coparenting Software for any DC arrangements.

He's a dick to taunt you with tales of his new life - but you know that. So don't allow yourself to be available.
He is not your friend. It is harming you to listen to him. The fastest way to get beyond the pain is to cut him out of your life as much as humanly possible.

I am sorry you are going through this. It WILL get better. But you have to focus on you now, & that entails cutting all comms with him Flowers

ChargingBuck · 18/01/2022 12:41

@bentley16

I'm 55 this march, I've already started to set goals for myself I have started doing 1 new thing every month of the year that I have never done before and that starts with the corresponding letter of the month eg January I'm keeping a journal, February flying a bird of prey, etc so hopefully this will kickstart my new life. They are in the honeymoon period at the minute but the grass isn't always greener, and life will eventually become mundane for them but I will have moved on with my new life, I have already got legal advice as I think he thought I would just take his word concerning the financial aspects but I'm not the pushover he thought I was. X
This is awesome, Bentley!

& I'm chuckling over his assumption that you would allow him to divorce you lawyer-free, on his say so Grin

I hope you get a rottweiler lawyer who will successfully argue how you sacrificed your career to his, & raising his DC ... & at least wipe some of the smirk off his face financially.

madisonbridges · 18/01/2022 12:43

I don't think he's unreasonable to feel like that. We can't help falling in and out of love.
But he was massively unreasonable to tell you all that. However, in a way he's done you a favour because you now know the only way is forward, with him well left behind.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/01/2022 12:51

The best way to make him realise his mistake is to enjoy your life. At one stage in my life I joined a Divorced and Separated Club, more to make friends than anything else. Go out and about, have holidays, have days out, have fun. Good luck.

AlbertBridge · 18/01/2022 13:00

There's absolutely no point in talking to ex husbands about their feelings. It will only hurt you. His ego is shrivelling up because he's done a shorty thing, so the only way he can patch it up is to rewrite history, make you the "bad guy", and cast his OW into the role of soul mate. It's all he can do. It's the only way he can sound like a decent person.

In all sincerity - fuck him. Everyone knows he's a twat. Throw yourself into celebrating life without him holding you back! Get finances sorted NOW while he's still feeling guilty. Get your career restarted NOW while you desperately need that focus, and a source of positive feedback. Redecorate/revamp your house NOW to prove that you can do everything as well, or better, than he could. And get healthy NOW so you look and feel stunning, as it's the most visible declaration of I AM THRIVING AND DO NOT NEED YOU