Marriage end, new relationship

[bentley16]

This is my first post on mumsnet so here goes...AIBU in thinking that my husband of 24 years and who walked out on our marriage beginning of November 2021 is being insensitive and disrespectful by starting a new relationship within a few weeks of leaving me, even telling me he's never been happier and that in six months to a years time I will see it's the right thing to have happened.He left fairly
suddenly without any warning and swears that nothing started between him and the OW until after he left me and he left me because we are different people and he feels like he didn't reach his potential in life but that I did, I'm a mom working part time in a job I love but feel that I could have reached so much more of my potential if I hadn't sacrificed what I wanted to do to raise a family and to allow him to do things he wanted to do. Since leaving he has told me that he has had no romantic feelings for me for a long time and that he wants to feel in love and not wonder what it would be like! The OW was friends with him for a few years and is going through her own separation from her husband and I feel this is in part behind why he left. He has detonated a huge bomb in our family life and just walked away enjoying his new almost single life whilst I am struggling to come to terms with the loss of our marriage and with him being with another woman and he seems to think I should be ok with that, which I'm not. Any ideas of how I can stop the pain taking over my life and to stop feeling so worthless.

I agree that we can't help who we fall in or out of love with but it's just the way he's done it, as a pp said he's rewriting history and although he's says he's not blaming anyone in-between the lines he is. I maybe old fashioned but he says he doesn't feel good about leaving but if that's the case why start a new relationship so quickly if it wasn't already in his mind to.

He has had her lined up before he walked out. Guarentee it

It hurts. It really bloody hurts. But it lifts.
I won't say I'm completely there but def on the mend.
I needed a good 3 months to grieve what I'd lost - these were quite sad/weepy. Really take on board what the reality of life wasn't going to be and how much I'd put into something that felt like it was wasted. There was a lot of anger after that that erupted sporadically (stay off fb in those moments is my advice)
And then the start of acceptance of what was. Starting to see it wasn't all bad. Able to hold the good and bad memories without them cancelling each other out.
Well still a few weepy/livid moments but overall that's where I am now.
Starting to plan my new life.
You get there.

He'd already started the relationship before he left - that's 100% guaranteed.

You, however, sound awesome, strong and determined, with a solid life plan for getting on with things. Your ex is a piece of shit and you don't need to communicate with him any more, other than through your solicitor.

Leave him to his blissfully happy new life, and try not to laugh too hard, when it all goes tits up in a few months.

I have really dark weepy days but also some good positive days too I am slowly coming to terms with it, we will come out the other side stronger xx

Some relationships are just a habit & it can take a while to get it out of your system. But you will wake up one morning & feel good about yourself again, I promise.

If this really were a new relationship he would be more uncertain about it and wouldn’t feel the need to justify it to you.

It’s far more likely that he just left what he thinks is a reasonable gap before going public and is trying to create a back story to explain it all.

What a bastard he is, not for leaving you but for talking to you like that. I would just make sure any further conversations take place between your lawyers. Don't answer the phone to him or reply to messages. And tell your lawyer you are sick of being nice - you want the very best financial deal she can get you.

he says he doesn't feel good about leaving but if that's the case why start a new relationship so quickly if it wasn't already in his mind to.

I'm sorry, OP, he might not already have started an affair but he most probably had the new one lined up. Did he perhaps stay with you until "she" filed for divorce

The best way forward is to enjoy your new life so much he fades away to a distant memory of someone who wasn't what you thought he was.

Sounds as if you are going about it the right way, I love the new goal scheme. All the best.

This might sound a bit trite, but I was once given the advice not to trust a liar to tell the truth. You end up tying yourself in knots to work out what the real story is, but possibly he will never tell you, and if he did would you ever really know.

It's so hard to accept but I found it quite freeing that whatever the truth about what happened the end result was the same. Eventually I realised I didn't care anymore as I had found a better life without him.

You sound like you are on the right path and keep going, you can do this.

@bentley16

I have already got legal advice as I think he thought I would just take his word concerning the financial aspects but I'm not the pushover he thought I was.

Good on you, OP!

Did you manage to copy/photograph anything to do with his finances - including his pension - before he left? That would be useful when it comes to the financial settlement.

Also don't forget to claim your single person 25% council tax discount if appropriate. You can do this online on your council's website.

Onwards and upwards. 🌹