Does anyone else overthink social interactions this much?

[Lindor2828]

It seems to be getting worse the older I get (early 30s) but I've got to the point where it's becoming debilitating and lm starting to think there's something seriously wrong with me...

Whether I'm on the phone at work, talking to friends, if I'm at parents evening or doing the nursery run, I overthink every conversation and ask myself "why did you say that" or "it was all going well until you said X". Even sending an email at work I must re-read it multiple times before I hit send incase I've said something wrong or come across as arsey. I wonder what people must think of me, whether that be that I'm weird or inappropriate or too friendly?!

I feel like my judgement is impaired by this constant state I'm in I really want to be confident and comfortable as who I am but I'm not sure where to start? Job interviews are the worst because I tend to talk nonsense and jibberish - I've no idea how I managed to get the job I am in now. I feel like my self esteem is rock bottom.

I think you’ve done great to recognise it - that’s the first stage. Now you are aware of it, the next stage is to start catching yourself out and reframing your thoughts. Instead of “I shouldn’t have said so and so” immediately catch yourself and say “yes I did say so and so, no-one will remember” and then move on. Don’t let yourself ruminate. Eventually it will result in less intrusive thoughts, but it takes time and practice. It’s like your brain has been going down the M25 and now you have to go down a dusty dirt track instead - it’s bumpy at first and doesn’t feel right but the more you use that route the easier it gets. Good luck x

Are you me? no but seriously this is exactly what I go through every day. I don't ever remember it being this bad, seems to be more apparent since reaching my 30's.

My DB is late 30's and has recently been diagnosed with asd and I am now noticing a lot of traits in myself. I've also scored really highly on the asd online assessments and I'm wondering if I too have asd and have been masking this whole time. I find social interactions absolutely debilitating and I'm exhausted at the end of every day from them. It takes me so long to unwind that I can't sleep as I nit pick every tiny detail over and over again. I feel like it's so much more difficult since the lockdowns ended and I'm no longer able to hide away at home.

Yes! Yes I do.

If I have an interaction with a stranger, my brain replays the scene over and over for a bit - and my face starts to join in with my parts - the smile i did or mouthing some of the words! So embarrassing. My DD caught me doing it when she was little and walking along with me

I’m also become pretty sure I have some combo of adhd and asd or autism.

Thank you for the replies, I'm sorry there are others in the same cycle, it's just exhausting isn't it? I can completely relate to the ASD traits, I've noticed many of these in myself over the years, however I think I may just be high functioning because my husband and best friend say they don't particularly see those traits in me at all - but I know how I feel isn't normal. I struggle massively with change and I don't think covid has helped with the overthinking and over analysing as I just feel out of practice from interacting with people.

I definitely tend to stay on the peripheries of groups and social situations to avoid saying something stupid and changing how people may view me!

@FabriqueBelgique

Yes! Yes I do.

If I have an interaction with a stranger, my brain replays the scene over and over for a bit - and my face starts to join in with my parts - the smile i did or mouthing some of the words! So embarrassing. My DD caught me doing it when she was little and walking along with me

I’m also become pretty sure I have some combo of adhd and asd or autism.

I do the mouth thing too! I feel like I'm always trying to hide it from DH incase he thinks I'm insane. I really have no control over it though. I'm sure he's caught me loads of times and just doesn't want to mention it and embarrass me.

I over think things too. I am a people pleaser and worry a lot that people won’t like me. When people don’t answer texts or emails for a while, I really worry I have offended them. I think I am a bit ego centric in a way, because I think people pay more attention to me or care more about what I say than they probably do. It is quite tiring but I am able to rationalise with myself to some extent and tell myself off for doing it! You are not alone though!

I do too.

It stems from past trauma, and I find it very debilitating sometimes, and makes friendships a struggle.

I tend to overthink things others say and do more though. For example, I normally give a friend a hug when she leaves, but we didn't last time we met, and I immediately jumped to wondering whether she'd gone off me. Crazy, really.

Not with family but, yes, totally with friends. I beat myself up over it, knowing they'll think less of me. (I know although it doesn't necessarily mean they think it!)

Same here, I have always done it. I analyse every conversation, reflecting on how I make a tit of myself, I end up ruminating on when I said the wrong thing for years. I'm in my 50s and can still remember conversations from childhood. I replay conversations like a pp said mouthing them. I just thought it was me that's weird 🤣

Only all the time!

Today, I seriously googled one of these old-school text character emojis after a colleague added it to an email, and I've been wondering what on earth he intended to say with it ever since finding out its meaning didn't relate to the message in an obvious fashion ... I've narrowed down the options to "criticising", "joking", " harmless flirting", "eye rolling", "off topic post-scriptum", "typo" and "he has them mixed up" ...

My mid-term project currently consists of fretting over whether my description of our father has given BIL the wrong impression ... that was Christmas, FFS!

On the upside: I only really do it when I "have time" and seem to switch off the obsessing when needs must. Easier at work than in my personal life, mind.

It's not necessary to jump to conclusions about not being neurotypical, in case that reassures you. What you're describing sounds more like social anxiety, which is more common than we realize. Some people you interact with will have similar agonising doubts about themselves, but you're unlikely to notice because you're so consumed by your own! Worth thinking about though. Counselling helped me put social stuff in perspective; I care much less these days, and on the occasions that I do, I've learned to rationalize things more and nip the anxiety in the bud.

I replay conversations from months / years ago - it keeps me awake sometimes.

I’m in this boat with you, sometimes to the point it keeps me awake at night as I’m cringing about what happened or what I said!

I’ve been aware of it for years, still doesn’t stop it happening though!

Yes I have awful social anxiety, stuff like arranging playdates is torture!

Yes I have awful social anxiety, stuff like arranging playdates is torture!

I get that, too! Including with my own friends. I genuinely worry they might think I'm annoying if I even text them ... in actual reality, they tend to think I'm aloof and not that into them (I know because I've been told so). Luckily, my good friends know what's up and don't take offense.

I do it constantly. I find if I talk about it it's worse. I've had some counselling for it as part of my anxiety.

I’m ok with close friends and family but terrible with everyone else. I worry so much I’ve stopped going to things where I might interact with people. I speak to people and I’m sure it’s ok - no one has ever told me I’m tactless or whatever. But then I worry about it and can get paralysed with worry. I sort of feel I’m an idiot so it’s best I avoid people.
It’s got worse as I’ve got older.
I still worry about things I said to people decades ago! I do know it’s mad but I just can’t help it.

Oh you poor thing, this sounds like anxiety and that it’s getting worse. People honestly do NOT analyse what you’ve said in the way you’re analysing it.
If it’s distressing you and affecting your life, talk to your GP. They can refer you for CBT which will help you, as the poster said above, reframe things and catch yourself.
Remind yourself you have no evidence that people think badly of you

I have this, but it's just that I think I'm stupid with nothing meaningful to say. It's worsened in my 30's too, since having children as well.

I don't even think I'd suit CBT as I think I'm too dumb for it?!

I analyse conversations and I actually now only see friends every 2-3 months as I like to think I'm 'low maintenance' but it's actually because I have nothing to offer!

It's a shame we can't all meet up and be socially anxious and awkward together! There seems to be a lot of us feeling this way. Mine doesn't stem from covid - I think I developed it late 20's and I'm now early 40's. It's so tiring. I think when you start getting negative chatter, you actually have to say back 'ok, thanks for you input, moving on' and block it out. Easier said than done. When I have told my friends I feel like this they are all shocked. I think I used to mask it with drinking as well, to loosen my inhibitions.... I do not recommend this!

I think worth googling inattentive ADD and seeing if this is you. I think if part of our brains don't finish developing fully we are more consciously aware of social interactions so need to work at them making us more tired - people whose brain have fully developed just do it without thinking a great deal about it.
Also google OCD as you are exhibiting some compulsive behaviours rereading things so much.

I analyse every interaction I have. Did I talk too much, too little, did I "share" the right amount. Did I seem "normal".

Yes I'm an overthinker, but I wouldn't describe it as debilitating for me. And I think depends on my stress as well.

Yes I do and I have anxiety and OCD. Obsessive rumination is part of this. I find listening to podcasts about OCD helpful as it reminds me that it’s just my brain rather than anything to actually worry about.

The more you entertain it the more you strengthen the brain pathways and the habit, so it’s good to snap yourself out of it.

Also research stoic philosophy, I find that immensely helpful for freeing me from anxious rumination spirals - much better than positive thinking as you really confront your worst fears and let them go.

Eg. Yes I said that embarrassing thing and yes they probably hate me, word will get out that I’m terrible and dull and also weird, it will get so bad that I’ll be unable to show my face again and have to sell up and move to small hut in a remote coastal and begin a new life as a solitary sheep herder…. and… I’ll be ok.

It’s freeing! Everyone should be a stoic :)