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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving in and postponing wedding???

42 replies

confusedmummy123 · 17/01/2022 15:34

Posted previously but probably better to start a new thread . I have 2 children been with partner 2.5 years due to get married in October . However we do not live together. My previous post was about am I being unreasonable in wanting a date off him when we may move in together. Over the weekend We finally arranged that I will move in in March. However discussing it with a colleague who is a friend as well she suggests considering postponing the wedding. This is because 1. We should have more time living together before marrying and 2. His mum recently died and with his brother he is clearing the house and then selling it. There is also dealing with the general administration that comes with someone passing on. So there is a lot goin on including arranging a wedding for 9 months time. We have paid deposits to secure a venue. Does anyone know if this date can even be changed?

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 17/01/2022 16:03

I wouldn’t change the date.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 17/01/2022 16:06

@CrimbleCrumble1

I wouldn’t change the date.

What reasons? Just wondered what your thoughts behind this were

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 17/01/2022 16:10

7 months of living together seems a decent amount of time to make sure you are compatible.
You said there’s a lot going on at the moment but that’s life, there’s always stuff going on.
9 months to arrange a wedding sounds plenty of time.

IsDaveThere · 17/01/2022 16:12

Have you asked your partner whether he wants to change the date? Would you loose your deposit by changing it and when would you be postpoining it to?

I wouldn't be changing the date either to be honest, I can't see how needing more time living together first will make any difference.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 17/01/2022 16:30

My partner said put your notice in on my rented home and we will work towards moving on mid March even though will be hectic with sorting his mums out

OP posts:

2bazookas · 17/01/2022 16:33

I'd certainly want to live with someone before marrying them.

It's not just you he hasn't lived with yet. You haven't yet seen what he's like as a full-time 24/7 no-escape dad under the same roof with you AND THE KIDS .

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 16:50

I think point 1 is valid.

Point 2 though? I wouldn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t clear a house and administrate a death with another adult and simultaneously plan a wedding with another adult when the venue was already sorted. It’s not that hard!

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 16:51

I’m not sure I’d be rushing to marry someone that I’d had to take to MN about because I couldn’t pin them down to a date to move in together!

Skyeheather · 17/01/2022 16:56

@confusedmummy123

My partner said put your notice in on my rented home and we will work towards moving on mid March even though will be hectic with sorting his mums out

"Work towards...." - that sounds very vague. Does your partner know that when you give notice on your rental you will have to give the date in which you will move out. You will have to move in with him on that date or you'll be homeless. Once you give notice there's no going back, he can't play around with the date.

Teacupsandtoast · 17/01/2022 17:00

Err....he's been putting off you moving in but plans to marry you? How much money has been sunk in to the wedding so far? Why cant you give notice on your flat now and just move in to his....? How old are your kids?

WingingItEveryDay7 · 17/01/2022 17:14

Living together completely changes a relationship! Throw into the mix 2 children and it's impossible to know what could happen. I don't doubt you both love each other but I would seriously reconsider spending more money on your wedding until you know you can actually live together 24/7. You clearly have doubts yourself if you're asking MN for advice on such a serious situation x

KupoNutCoffee · 17/01/2022 17:18

The earlier you speak to the venue, the more likely you can change the date. Just explain, and see if they will move it. If you've only just booked it, it'll be more than fine, they'll be used to registrars not being available and people wanting certain months.

7 months to live with someone is a good amount of time to decide if you get on living together. But depending on your wedding plans, you'll have more and more deposits down and it will be harder to call off if you feel that way.

On one hand, I'd like to think, after 2.5 years you should be fine, there will of course be little niggles that you could resolve. I'd get ahead of this now, discuss anything that might come up, even if it feels silly. Like absolute darkness, or sleeping with th light on. Music or silence. Bedtime, for you and the kids.

On the other, Weddings are a pain enough to arrange without throwing in moving, living together for the first time, and sorting and selling his late mums estate, plus allowing time to grieve.

Between all of them, I can see the wedding planning not really being a focus until maybe May..., 6/7 months is not a lot of time depending on the size of your event. Anything is doable, but if you wanted wedding fairs and time to look at all the options, it's going to go quick!

Personally I'd change the date, but not through concerns about living together, more that there's so much happening in such a short time. But then, I like taking time to bask/savour/chill/settle in to what I've completed. It took 18 months after buying our house before we could be arsed to start wedding planning again.

Bookworm20 · 17/01/2022 17:21

I think the words 'work towards' would make me think about postponing the wedding.

Plus as you have 2 children, you have no idea how he will cope 24/7 ion a sudden family environment.
Because of this I think it wold be wise to live together for a year at least to take sure that all works well.

I only say this because I know of men who have changed drastically after moving in with a partner who had DC already. suddenly everything had to be his way or no way. DC routines started getting changed to suit his way etc. And these were all the happy go lucky sorts - with the vagueness you describe - until they realised they had to compromise on how they currently lived.

funnelfanjo · 17/01/2022 17:28

Listen to your colleague.

DDivaStar · 17/01/2022 17:35

Tbh I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with especially if there are kids involved.

In your situation I wouldn't be worrying about the grief and admin from his mum passing, surely being together full time should be a positive. Are you really sure about this ? As you seem to be finding reasons not to move in and marry.

LittleGwyneth · 17/01/2022 17:54

Are these his children? If so, get married ASAP and benefit from the small but very real legal protection afforded to you.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 17/01/2022 18:01

@DDivaStar

Tbh I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with especially if there are kids involved.

It's not really me. I'm doubting if he 100 percent wants us to move in. Doesn't seem excited about it and just says it's because he's nervous as always loved on his own. But he's just making out it's going to be a big hassle. I pointed out that me and the children don't have much and that he moved 200 miles to a new city with a ton of stuff. But he just said that he was younger then 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 17/01/2022 18:02

It's going to be a small do in terms of wedding

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 18:22

Go back and read your previous posts. The one word I’d use from the overall impression of him from those… lacklustre.

draramallama · 17/01/2022 18:37

@confusedmummy123

My partner said put your notice in on my rented home and we will work towards moving on mid March even though will be hectic with sorting his mums out

I wouldn't be giving notice on my children's home on the basis of "we will working towards moving" .

How old is he and how old was his mum?

NumberTheory · 17/01/2022 18:46

The reluctance and excuses are a huge red flag.

Unless the kids are his too and you need the financial security that marriage can provide in some situations, I would be indefinitely postponing the wedding until after I’d lived with him for a while (6 months before setting a new date, at least a year before actual marriage). I’d also make sure you have a financial plan for putting money away so you can afford to move out and rent again should things not work out. Ideally, move in with him for a couple of months before giving notice on your current place.

Are you giving up a council or HA property to move in with him? If so, I think you should be cautious about even this plan.

If it was just you I think it would be fine to take some risks. But you have two kids to protect who need more stability and better provision than a single adult.

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 18:48

Totally agree with @draramallama

There are better ways to do this.

He moves in with you for a trial period, with his house left as is.
You move in with him - again, leaving your house as it.
No money changing hands (unless one of you earns far more, then it’s fair to contribute to utilities that are increased)

You have children, and rent privately. Finding the right location and price rental is not easy, moreso when you have schools to consider. What happens if in a month’s time you realise it was a mistake?

You’d be nuts to just move you and your children with a man who isn’t that bothered, who’s given you cause to post multiple times. It’s just silly, really.

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 18:50

“Are you giving up a council or HA property to move in with him? If so, I think you should be cautious about even this plan.”

I attached did an AS on posts for exactly that reason, as this had disaster written all over it! But I believe OP is at least in private rented. Still, it’s hard to find the right private rental when you have kids.

CurtainTroubles · 17/01/2022 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ImInStealthMode · 17/01/2022 18:59

It's he's as reluctant as he sounds about you moving in I wouldn't just be postponing the wedding I'd be cancelling it.

How does he envisage married & family life being if he's so concerned about moving in being a big adjustment or hassle? What happens if your kids (assuming he's not the Dad?) don't take to living with him?

If you decide to go ahead and move in despite his reservations, then please do not give your notice until you've been there a couple of months. There are no kids involved with us and DP kept his place on for 2 months after he moved in with me, reassurance for both of us that had it not worked out he could leave quickly and without needing to find somewhere new (tricky in our local market).

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