Page 2 | Moving in and postponing wedding???

confusedmummy123 · 2022-01-17T15:34:25+00:00

Posted previously but probably better to start a new thread . I have 2 children been with partner 2.5 years due to get married in October . However we do not live together. My previous post was about am I being unreasonable in wanting a date off him when we may move in together. Over the weekend We finally arranged that I will move in in March. However discussing it with a colleague who is a friend as well she suggests considering postponing the wedding. This is because 1. We should have more time living together before marrying and 2. His mum recently died and with his brother he is clearing the house and then selling it. There is also dealing with the general administration that comes with someone passing on. So there is a lot goin on including arranging a wedding for 9 months time. We have paid deposits to secure a venue. Does anyone know if this date can even be changed?

KiloWhat · 17/01/2022 19:12

Don't marry him until you have lived with him long enough to have a few arguments and see if you are compatible long term.

Don't put notice on your house. "Working towards" doesn't sound great.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 17/01/2022 19:14

In reality I couldn't keep the house for 2 months as I'd be technically be living with partner then so have to stop my tax credits claim. If this was the case I would still need to pay bills and rent for 2 months and thus have to use savings . My wage wouldn't be enough. My home is great location. Close to school town and parents and reasonable rent. It's q little old fashioned but quite quirky and I have made it lovley by decorating

OP posts:

KiloWhat · 17/01/2022 19:15

@confusedmummy123

In reality I couldn't keep the house for 2 months as I'd be technically be living with partner then so have to stop my tax credits claim. If this was the case I would still need to pay bills and rent for 2 months and thus have to use savings . My wage wouldn't be enough. My home is great location. Close to school town and parents and reasonable rent. It's q little old fashioned but quite quirky and I have made it lovley by decorating

Why doesn't he move in with you?

KiloWhat · 17/01/2022 19:15

And if he's nervous about living with you why has he proposed to you

draramallama · 17/01/2022 19:23

@confusedmummy123

In reality I couldn't keep the house for 2 months as I'd be technically be living with partner then so have to stop my tax credits claim. If this was the case I would still need to pay bills and rent for 2 months and thus have to use savings . My wage wouldn't be enough. My home is great location. Close to school town and parents and reasonable rent. It's q little old fashioned but quite quirky and I have made it lovley by decorating

Does his house meet your children's needs in the same way?

ImInStealthMode · 17/01/2022 19:26

Surely using some of your savings and having your lovely home as a safety net for a couple of months is a better option than you and your kids ending up out on your arses if Mr Reluctant decides he doesn't want the hassle?

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 21:18

@confusedmummy123

In reality I couldn't keep the house for 2 months as I'd be technically be living with partner then so have to stop my tax credits claim. If this was the case I would still need to pay bills and rent for 2 months and thus have to use savings . My wage wouldn't be enough. My home is great location. Close to school town and parents and reasonable rent. It's q little old fashioned but quite quirky and I have made it lovley by decorating

No surprise this comes down to money on your side, and tax credits.

He’s in his late 40s with no kids and only moved out of mummy’s house in his 30s. He now stands to inherit something from his mum, surely? All that adds up to savings.
So - if he’s committed to you (spoiler: he isn’t) he would gladly pay the difference in tax credits for 6 months before you gave up your place.

My husband moved into my house - I took nothing from him, whilst he kept his - I’m the higher earner.

And if for some reason he doesn’t love you enough to care about helping to protect your children’s home during the trial, and yet you still want to do this - why the fuck have you bought a wedding dress already, instead of using that money as a tax credit buffer? Madness. Just madness.

Cocomarine · 17/01/2022 21:21

@ImInStealthMode

Surely using some of your savings and having your lovely home as a safety net for a couple of months is a better option than you and your kids ending up out on your arses if Mr Reluctant decides he doesn't want the hassle?

Definitely a better option. But an even better option would be for it to be his savings that provide that safety net.

Still not worked out why she’s the one uprooting herself and her kids for the trial period though.

NumberTheory · 17/01/2022 22:47

@confusedmummy123

In reality I couldn't keep the house for 2 months as I'd be technically be living with partner then so have to stop my tax credits claim. If this was the case I would still need to pay bills and rent for 2 months and thus have to use savings . My wage wouldn't be enough. My home is great location. Close to school town and parents and reasonable rent. It's q little old fashioned but quite quirky and I have made it lovley by decorating

So you currently have no real safety net and you are planning on giving up a stable well suited home to go live with someone who's been messing you about?

And from the sounds of it, in doing so you put yourself in a worse personal financial situation? Have you and DP had a discussion about finance? What you will be expected to contribute to the running of the house? How you are going to ensure your financial future for you and the kids? Who pays towards your kids expenses?

It would make far more sense for him to move in with you for a while until you can be sure things are likely to work out. You seem to be playing fast and loose with your kids' security and stability.

Hathertonhariden · 17/01/2022 23:00

I wouldn't be in any rush to move into his home or marry him. Assuming he's living in his mother's mortgage free house, why doesn't he move in with you for a few months to see whether it works without you losing your lovely home?

TheMarmaladeYears · 18/01/2022 12:43

You've got everything to lose here and what comes across as only a questionable amount to gain. If you aren't moving in until March then certainly, postpone the wedding. But then I'd want rather more enthusiasm than a decision to 'work towards' moving in. So it's perfectly reasonable to suggest that you are prepared to move in but not prepared to give up your convenient, secure and lovely home before you know that your relationship works when you are all (and especially your dcs) are under the same roof. If your dp is really committed to you, then he'd certainly do all he can to make this financially and practically possible. If he's been so lukewarm about setting a date to move in, how interested has he ever been in planning your wedding?

Thehop · 18/01/2022 12:49

He’s not into you

Invite him to love with you, don’t give up your home

ImInStealthMode · 18/01/2022 15:10

I've just looked up your other thread and seen that you were originally supposed to move in October 2020 and it just 'never happened'. You don't seem able to have a proper conversation with him about it (even back then, so not just now that he's grieving).

Why on earth are you even considering marrying him in these circumstances OP? On what basis? Please think of your children and the huge risks you're taking with their home, stability and happiness.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/01/2022 15:19

Make your own decision fgs and dont rely on strangers.

You've had 2 children with this man so why dont you marry him? You are parents, not just dating. He's your fiancé, you know your situation best, nobody else does.

Live together or not your relationship could still crash, trial periods are no guarantee of anything.

Just stay where you are andet him move in with you. Presumably hes working so can help with bills when he's there so why are you so focused on clinging onto tax credits etc? If he moves out then re-start your claim.

ImInStealthMode · 18/01/2022 15:33

@DeeCeeCherry The OP's Fiancé is not her children's Dad, which throws a whole different light on them moving in and getting married all at once. If the children and her partner don't get on living together it'll much harder to untangle.

Ericaequites · 18/01/2022 16:00

A registry office wedding followed by a simple breakfast is much less expensive and more appropriate. Living together is not a requirement for marriage, and often less than helpful.

KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 16:06

@Ericaequites

A registry office wedding followed by a simple breakfast is much less expensive and more appropriate. Living together is not a requirement for marriage, and often less than helpful.

Good point but probably should be something that should be discussed before going any further with the wedding.