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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a love actually scenario?

60 replies

Isthislikeloveactually · 17/01/2022 15:32

Inspired by another thread, just wondering what impression others get of this.
Several Christmases ago when I had two DCs under 2, I found a kindle in DHs car. I thought it was for me so said nothing. But lo and behold it never showed up on Christmas Day. Turned out it was for his junior (married) female colleague who he said had deserved it because she was brilliant and they got on really well. He vehemently denied it was anything more than friendship and said he would never cheat.
He’s never bought such a gift - or any gift - for any other colleague, before or since.
I met her and her family. Seemed ok. They no longer work together but I know are still in touch as friends…occasional coffees and chats and know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
We’ve had our ups and downs but currently we seem to be getting on well. He can go a bit distant at times, maybe once a year for a few weeks, just seems distracted and a bit irritable, then snaps out of it. I can be like that too occasionally but I also snap out of it. I’ve never suspected him of cheating with anyone else.
What would people make of the kindle?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/01/2022 16:05

Book and device purchases, I mean.

Bluebluemoon39 · 17/01/2022 16:09

I don't think it necessarily means they had an affair or anything but it suggests your dh had feelings for her that were more than just friendly.

Once when I worked in an office a much older (married) man bought me a gift which was quite personal for my 21st birthday. It was completely inappropriate and I was embarrassed. I distanced myself from him after that as I was worried he'd taken our chats (we did get along and had a similar sense of humour) the wrong way.
I always wondered what his poor wife would've thought if she'd found out. And I realise now I'm much older and wiser that it was his way of letting me know he liked me and seeing what, if anything, happened next.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2022 16:09

@sadpapercourtesan

No, I don't think most men would buy a woman a Kindle because he knew she liked reading. I think you'd have to know her reading habits, whether she would actually want or need a Kindle - maybe she travels a lot and it would be useful on journeys, or she finds a paper book unwieldy to read in bed, or whatever. It seems to me like a gift a man would only buy a woman if he knew she wanted it, iyswim.
I still disagree, it could have been a simple conversation that prompted it, maybe he saw her reading on a break and she said she must get a Kindle instead of carrying books around with her or maybe she said she had one and it broke or maybe she doesn't like reading at all and he bought her one anyway and she thought it was a shit present, god knows enough women on here complain about their OH's getting them awful presents!
Original poster
Isthislikeloveactually · 17/01/2022 16:10

I brought it up with him. It was in the boot of his car.
I told him I thought it was inappropriate and he said he hadn’t thought of it like that. I said if he had feelings for someone else he could leave but at least let me know so I could make my own plans. All very dramatic, baby in arms. He seemed very shaken and apologetic.
After that we were invited to her house along with other colleagues. She was friendly and so was I. I didn’t sense anything between them. Looking back though, I probably wouldn’t have gone to her house. I still feel there was a teeny little emotional affair hovering in the background of it all - nothing they would have done anything about, but nice for them to know it was there.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 17/01/2022 16:15

@Bluebluemoon39

I don't think it necessarily means they had an affair or anything but it suggests your dh had feelings for her that were more than just friendly.

Once when I worked in an office a much older (married) man bought me a gift which was quite personal for my 21st birthday. It was completely inappropriate and I was embarrassed. I distanced myself from him after that as I was worried he'd taken our chats (we did get along and had a similar sense of humour) the wrong way.
I always wondered what his poor wife would've thought if she'd found out. And I realise now I'm much older and wiser that it was his way of letting me know he liked me and seeing what, if anything, happened next.

I think this ^

He prob hasn’t done anything but it has prob crossed his mind

Ploppy1322 · 17/01/2022 16:20

You don't buy expensive gifts like kindles for work colleagues, I'd bet there's more to it, especially as he didn't mention it Tbh

Palavah · 17/01/2022 16:22

[quote Isthislikeloveactually]@palavah
At the time, about the same amount would have been spent on me as on her.[/quote]
Yeah, that's not really on, is it?
Was he buying birthday and Christmas gifts for his family too or were you sorting that?

LifeExperience · 17/01/2022 16:25

He hid the Kindle. He knew it was wrong. He still maintains a personal relationship with her even though he knows it bothers you. That is not only morally wrong, it is hugely disrespectful of you and your marriage. A truly innocent husband, having been confronted about the Kindle, would take the utmost care to guard your feelings by having only the most minimal and required contact with the other woman going forward. He didn't do that. He is either having an emotional or physical affair. Either way, he has broken his marriage vows. What you do with that knowledge going forward is up to you.

ninjafoodienovice · 17/01/2022 16:28

I was given a gift at work once, a really generous one to do with a hobby/interest shared with an older male colleague.
I really liked the gift but then not long after he made a pass at me and it seriously tainted the gift. Naively I thought it was really kind as we shared this interest. He then went on to seriously harass me at work and really try it on. If his wife had seen the gift she probably wouldn't have even noticed it (or been interested by it) as it wouldn't have been seen as obviously intimate. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't need to be an intimate object to have intimate sentiments with which it's given.
I hope I'm wrong in your case OP.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 17/01/2022 16:43

If my dh was buying a gift for his deputy he usually would run his idea by me. Although one year he asked me to get her something and I wasn’t thinking properly. I know her and bought her a bracelet in her style. Dh was a little mortified at giving jewellery but decided she would line it so we wrote the card from us both and he gave it to her declaring dw chose it (so it didn’t look dodgy). But then that’s my relationship so I guess it depends how weird it is for your dh.

Riverlee · 17/01/2022 16:46

Something obviously niggled you at the time for you to still be bothered by it.

It may have been the result of an innocent conversation about reading, books, kindles etc, which made dh suddenly buy it for her. However, you said it was a similar price to your gift, so quite a substantial cost. How many people spend £50-100+ on work colleagues?

DrSbaitso · 17/01/2022 16:49

@ANameChangeAgain

I was the 20 something pa and my bosses used to buy me nice gifts for Christmas and birthdays. There was never anything untoward going on. I've seen more than my fair share of office affairs though from my colleagues. I think if they are the type to cheat they will, if they aren't they won't.
But would they have bought you the gifts if you were a 55 year old man?
WhiteCatmas · 17/01/2022 16:55

Perhaps your DH thought you were too busy looking after 2 small children to care whether he gave a Kindle to a colleague.
He may have had amazon vouchers on a scheme through work.
It may have been a recognition award for her through work.
It is an electronic device and not a dildo.
You can have a simple exchange along the lines of ‘oh you are reading, do you read a lot?’ ‘Oh yes, but the books get heavy when I go on holiday’.

Sometimes a kindle is just a kindle.

WallaceinAnderland · 17/01/2022 16:57

He singled her out for a gift.
He chose an expensive item.
He hid it from you.
He chose a device which can be used for messaging

I think he was hoping to get closer to her. Whether he did is another matter. It could be that he came to his senses when you challenged him and he realised what he was risking.

WhiteCatmas · 17/01/2022 17:06

You can’t message people using a kindle (paperwhite).
Kindle fire it would link into her other accounts so she’d have to set up a new digital identity to talk to him with it.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 17/01/2022 17:07

@Anotherviewtoyou

I do always find it interesting that these men never seem to go out of their way to buy a gift/ help out a brilliant male work colleague. Always seems to be a younger female employee…
Funny that!
WhatDidISayAlan · 17/01/2022 17:07

I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it. She may have got him out of the shit at work and he doesn't want to admit that to you. I've had a bottle of vintage champagne from a colleague who's PhD thesis I indexed and reformatted as a favour (didn't expect anything) and a beautiful piece of jade from another after I queued up all day in the Chinese embassy to get him a visa sorted for an imminent business trip because he literally thought he could just get on a plane and go.

WhiteCatmas · 17/01/2022 17:07

A refurbished kindle fire can be about £30 by the way, so not that pricey.

cstaff · 17/01/2022 17:10

I think you are all reading too much into this. In my job I get maybe four or five presents at Christmas from both male and female colleagues who I do a lot of work for during the year. The value and type of present varies. Some have more thought put into them than others but all are we received with thanks.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/01/2022 17:14

I wouldn’t be happy with the situation.

DrSbaitso · 17/01/2022 17:16

@cstaff

I think you are all reading too much into this. In my job I get maybe four or five presents at Christmas from both male and female colleagues who I do a lot of work for during the year. The value and type of present varies. Some have more thought put into them than others but all are we received with thanks.
Were any of them on a par with a Kindle in terms of value?
Juniper68 · 17/01/2022 17:19

I'd have gone mental about that.
I'm not a jealous type but that's too much to be spending especially if he only spent the same on you.

cstaff · 17/01/2022 17:20

@drsbaitso
Yeah the value was anywhere between 40 and 100 quid.

WTF475878237NC · 17/01/2022 17:26

I think he holds a torch for her but for whatever reason they don't feel they can or want to be together at present.

LuaDipa · 17/01/2022 17:27

@Riverlee

Something obviously niggled you at the time for you to still be bothered by it.

It may have been the result of an innocent conversation about reading, books, kindles etc, which made dh suddenly buy it for her. However, you said it was a similar price to your gift, so quite a substantial cost. How many people spend £50-100+ on work colleagues?

I agree with this.

Dh owns his own business and his PA deals with the gifts. They are always very generic - flowers, chocolates, hampers etc. One year he bought his management team Apple Watches, but obviously they all received the same. I would be very upset if DH sent one particular (female) person something different, purchased by him. It’s not something he does, and I would immediately think that something was amiss. Even more so if he spent the same as he spent on me.