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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men outside swearing at me

38 replies

HangOnToYourself · 17/01/2022 12:54

Pretty sure not being unreasonable I'm just posting because it shook me up a bit. I was eating my lunch at my dining table which faces onto the street and my boyfriend rang me, I was speaking with the phone on speaker as I prefer that so I was holding my phone up speaking into the bottom.
A scrap van pulled up outside and they started messing around with what was in the back and a trolley fell out so they were rearranging it. They were right in front of my window so could see me sat there are kept looking over and laughing between them which was fine I dont really care but then one of them suddenly walked up to the window and gave me the 2 finger salute with both hands while laughing to the other one. I dont know if he thought I was filming them because I was holding my phone up I have a flip case so I couldnt have filmed from the way I was holding it iyswim so I didn't think about that but it really shook me. I have diagnosed anxiety disorder and hate any kind of confrontation (even speaking to a stranger on a phone makes me panic) so it has totally set me off and I am trying not to cry at this point (I realise I'm overreacting but it's very intimidating to me and horrible to be sat in my own home and have that happen). Boyfriend just laughed and said I should have just waved.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 17/01/2022 12:57

They sound like absolute w**kerss...I think they thought you were filming them though. I'm surprised your boyfriend found that funny. If I told my DH that two men came up to the window and swore at me, he'd be fuming.

Sparklesocks · 17/01/2022 12:57

That’s unpleasant. Obviously you’re not being unreasonable.
I know it’s easier said than done but try not to let it get to you - that’s a reflection on them, not you. They were probably just showing off in front of each other and forgot about it minutes later.

RedCandyApple · 17/01/2022 12:58

How weird of them , but yes it sounds like they thought you was filming them, I do think crying sounds extreme though

Fatgalslim · 17/01/2022 12:58

Yeah he probably thought you were filming him, not sure why he would then stick the v's up at you though...the dick.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2022 13:01

They sound like twats. Maybe they did think you were filming them, I suppose.

It’s easy enough for bf to say it’s funny and you should have waved. It’s totally different for a man.

ANameChangeAgain · 17/01/2022 13:04

He reasonably thought you were filming him and was reasonably unhappy about it. It wasn't nice to walk up to you with the two finger salute, should he have smiled for the camera instead? I know I wouldn't have. I think just be more careful to avoid misunderstandings.

BoredZelda · 17/01/2022 13:06

If it looked like you were filming you must have been holding the phone in a really weird position. Get a headset to avoid it in the future.

Butchyrestingface · 17/01/2022 13:06

No matter what they may or may not have thought, I doubt they'd be so brave if you'd been a beefy, 6 ft 2" bloke with tattoos and a shaven head sitting there - not even if you had full camera equipment and holding a megaphone.

Original poster

HangOnToYourself · 17/01/2022 13:10

I was holding it sort of diagonally up with elbow on the table so if it was filming the camera would be pointing at the table rather than outside, but I was trying to understand what logic explanation there could be to be so aggressive for no reason and that's all I could think of.
I think the suggestion of getting a headset is a bit much, I was sat in my house minding my own business on a call when they pulled up outside my house, pretty unforeseeable circumstances and a bit victim blamy. Perhaps they should not have been looking into my house in the first place.

OP posts:

WhiteXmas21 · 17/01/2022 13:12

@ANameChangeAgain

Sorry, don’t agree with this at all. OP was at her dining table on the phone. Some twats thought they were interesting enough to be filmed. So what🤷🏻‍♀️ That gives them the right to be aggressive and rude?

Ignore them OP, they were being shits.

Original poster

HangOnToYourself · 17/01/2022 13:12

@RedCandyApple

How weird of them , but yes it sounds like they thought you was filming them, I do think crying sounds extreme though

I know it's a bit extreme but this is the problem with anxiety you dont always deal with things in a rational way

OP posts:

Original poster

HangOnToYourself · 17/01/2022 13:13

Thank you all btw I appreciate the comments, it's made me feel much better to have some words of support

OP posts:

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 17/01/2022 13:13

Agreed. Very victim blamey. Wtf!!!! Def not your fault, men can be horrid. As you say they shouldn't be looking into your home.

Butchyrestingface · 17/01/2022 13:13

I think you're right, OP. In the reverse situation, if you thought someone was filming YOU from within their home, would YOU be be prancing outside their window giving THEM the V sign?

I hardly think so.

Male privilege in action.

AffableApple · 17/01/2022 13:19

@BoredZelda

If it looked like you were filming you must have been holding the phone in a really weird position. Get a headset to avoid it in the future.

Amend her behaviour in her own home for the random external male gaze? Huh?

Freecuthbert · 17/01/2022 13:19

They must have thought you were filming surely... but that's bloody weird because so often people are on their phones in a way that could be misconstrued as filming, but you'd have to be paranoid to think they are filming/taking photos unless the phone keeps following you or flash goes off. So it doesn't make much sense to me. I think they were being a bit twatish, I know I certainly wouldn't behave that way. But I think you're being quite sensitive about it... that being said idk how bad your anxiety is. Maybe boyfriend is not laughing at you, but trying to make light of the situation and get you to see the funny side to lighten the mood and break the tension? Especially if he can see how worked up you are about it.

Freecuthbert · 17/01/2022 13:22

Sorry not trying to excuse your boyfriend if he isn't being nice about it. Was just making this suggestion as my partner is a bit like that in a well-meaning way, knows how to cheer me up and get me laughing when I'm anxious etc.

Original poster

HangOnToYourself · 17/01/2022 13:27

I think it was the unexpected unpleasantness of it to be sat in my safe place minding my own business it felt quite violating to have some one behave that way to me. I just want to be clear I felt like I wanted to cry, I didn't actually cry. I do have a massive oversensitivy to any behaviour I find threatening or aggressive due to growing up in a violent household (which has been where a lot of my anxiety issues have stemmed from). So although I can see logically when I'm not having a reasonable reaction sometimes I cant help the panic element of my anxiety to flare up and that's what I think happened. Obviously I've chilled out a bit now especially having heard others on here would have found it to be unsettling as well.
Agree bf was probably just trying to make light but he can be a bit dense when it comes to how intimidating situations can feel to women sometimes being of a large muscular build

OP posts:

ANameChangeAgain · 17/01/2022 13:30

I didn't mean to be victim blamey, I envisioned it obviously incorrectly as you sitting at a table in your window, with your phone pointing out at them. I've been filmed "aggressively" myself, so I know its intimidating.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/01/2022 13:36

Aww you poor thing, that must have been uncomfortable, by how you've described it though they probably did think you were filming them. Try to forget about it

SnowDropMania · 17/01/2022 14:01

It's a horrible thing to do. They sound like aggressive idiots. If you think you'd feel safer you could put voiles or other window dressing up to give you more privacy. I'm not saying that to mean you should change your behaviour to accommodate aggressive men, it's just I really value my privacy in my home so have frosted window film on the lower section of my front windows as they come down too far so it would be like being in a goldfish bowl. (Victorian terrace

saleorbouy · 17/01/2022 14:02

I wouldn't let this define your day, don't give it the head space and move on, those idiots are not worth it.

VelvetChairGirl · 17/01/2022 14:03

just being tossers I'd ignore them.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 17/01/2022 14:13

Genuine question - why do people chat on their phones on speaker and disturb everyone else with their conversation as opposed to holding it to their ears and not subjecting everyone else to their conversation? Not having a go, I just wondered.

Original poster

HangOnToYourself · 17/01/2022 14:16

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Because I was alone in my own home...? I never use speaker phone when in public, I just prefer it at home so that I dont have my phone squished against my face.

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