To scold an inaminate object

[itsnotmeitsu]

At one of our usual bars today for lunch. They have toilet cubicles that have a sink and hand-dryer. I pull down the toilet paper to wipe the toilet seat before I used it. This set the hand-dryer off, which made me jump.

I carried on wiping the toilet seat down, before I sat on it, which set the dryer off again. This time it didn't make me jump, but I did say "Will you stop doing that!". Was just thankful that these cubicles are wall to floor, so probably nobody heard me .

Talking to yourself/pets/inanimate objects is just fine in my world.

Just earlier I told a cup that wouldn’t stay on the windowsill (due to the fact that I cluttered it) to stop being such a bitch

You are not alone. I've been having a good moan at objects all day

I have a microwave which does a really annoying passive aggressive beep about about 20s after the original timer of you haven't opened the door.

Yes, I get it's to remind you that your food is still in there, but FFS I find it so unreasonably infuriating

Oh god I call the light string in my bathroom all sorts of creative names and generally bollock it on a daily basis as it's never exactly where I need it to be.

"yes, I heard you the first time...!!" Has become my catchphrase

Any time I stub my toe I have a massive go at whatever it was stubbed against. Ditto if I drop something that makes a mess.

@Ornamentalcabbages

I have a microwave which does a really annoying passive aggressive beep about about 20s after the original timer of you haven't opened the door.

Yes, I get it's to remind you that your food is still in there, but FFS I find it so unreasonably infuriating

Genuinely one of the reasons I got rid of my microwave.

@Ornamentalcabbages

I have a microwave which does a really annoying passive aggressive beep about about 20s after the original timer of you haven't opened the door.

Yes, I get it's to remind you that your food is still in there, but FFS I find it so unreasonably infuriating

It took me years to realise I could turn this function off on my washing machine.

Now when it's finished it just...stops. It doesn't beep incessantly waking the baby and destroy my joie de vivre. It just stops

This reminds me of the MNer who scolded an errant potato. I think her words were ‘fuck off then, you spud cunt.’ Pretty sure it’s in Classics now.

YANBU, and neither was she.

My nespresso coffee machine

I do this all the time. An example is the Snowman Christmas decoration we had in work, that would spout christmasy phrases at random, and I would often tell it to shut up (or fuck off, one bad day).

*one on a bad day

If I drop something, I always tell it to fuck off before I pick it up.

Yep, frequently swear at appliances that refuse to behave in a civilised fashion

Any food that spills over in my kitchen is usually told to get up off the floor! And called a little bastard...

I said a cheery hello to a nappy this evening.

I regularly tell things to "Stay" sometimes they listen, sometimes they don't.

YANBU.

And there is a special level of hell reserved for hand dryers and cats who shit in other people’s gardens.

I say hello to trees sometimes. DS (then 11) heard me once and said, "I really wish Dad were here this summer. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to manage you on my own." (DH had moved ahead of us to a new job while we stayed behind to pack and sell the property).

Fine to tell them off a bit, swear at them or even thank them for doing your washing, but, when you find yourself beating them with a tree branch a la Basil Fawlty, you've gone too far and need to book a GP appointment.

When Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was new and in its heyday, I phoned in quite a few times in the hope of getting on the show. There would be a question to answer and then you'd have to leave your various details one by one and after each stage, Chris would say (his automated voice - he didn't answer all of the calls personally!) "Thanks for that!".... only the tone of the recording made it sound like he was being reeeally sarcastic, like you'd just weed in his cornflakes or something.

To this day, every time something falls, gets knocked over and/or seems to actively fight against what I want it to do (and what is obviously its main job), I instinctively find myself saying "Thanks for that!" with the exact same wearied intonation as Chris Tarrant!

To be fair to the objects in my house they are usually the recipients of thank you's and well done's, rather than being sworn or shouted at. However, when it comes to my car it is the other way around! At least I have learned my lesson with my (frequently used by me) local traffic lights, I used to moan awfully at them for the length of the waits they put me through, but I have found now that if I treat them kindly and politely, they are so much more obliging - I will say "hello lights, how are you, are well today?" Sometimes I will ask them about their families as well, and then give them a good 30 seconds to a minute to sort themselves out, and sure enough they usually go to green for me very soon after that 🤭

I frequently tell things to fuck off. The microwave, dishwasher, washer - anything that makes a noise when I'm trying to have some quiet time

Oh yes the beeping of appliances always get told “I know, you’ve already told me once”

We have a dehumidifier that’s always saying “full tank” when I’ve just emptied it and I have to tell it to stop being so fucking stupid I’ve already emptied it. Sometimes I even show it the empty canister.
And my god the parking sensors in my car get called beepy motherfuckers all the time.