To scold an inaminate object

[itsnotmeitsu]

At one of our usual bars today for lunch. They have toilet cubicles that have a sink and hand-dryer. I pull down the toilet paper to wipe the toilet seat before I used it. This set the hand-dryer off, which made me jump.

I carried on wiping the toilet seat down, before I sat on it, which set the dryer off again. This time it didn't make me jump, but I did say "Will you stop doing that!". Was just thankful that these cubicles are wall to floor, so probably nobody heard me .

My printer though - I treat it like a goddamn princess. If it prints for me with no drama im like “thank you, your majesty for printing my ticket, I appreciate you so much you unreliable son of a bitch. Oh I’m sorry did I say son of a bitch? I meant your beautiful highness”

I love the responses to this, and that I'm not the only one . I also had an incident when I thought I'd got a large spider in the room, but it was an attachment to a cushion.

@Ozgirl75

My printer though - I treat it like a goddamn princess. If it prints for me with no drama im like “thank you, your majesty for printing my ticket, I appreciate you so much you unreliable son of a bitch. Oh I’m sorry did I say son of a bitch? I meant your beautiful highness”

To a printer: "STOP JAMMING! It's not like you're Bob Marley."

Stuart Broad yelling at the mic at the cricket amused me at the weekend "Stop moving the robot!"

I bollock my Henry hoover every time
I use the fucking thing.

The printer at work is affectionately known by me as printer wanker because it's an asshole most of the time.

Topping up the under sink cupboard with new laundry stuff and everything fell out so I called it all a bunch of cunts.

I once heard DD, who was about three at the time, shouting "peas, that just wasn't kind"... I popped out of the kitchen to see what was up.... the naughty and unkind peas kept rolling off her spoon.

Since I started WFH my laptop and I have had some very heated verbal exchanges...

Come on Henry (hoover), you stupid bastard is fairly standard in my house.

Are you even human if you don't tell something that's fallen on the floor in front of you to Fuck Off?

This made me laugh until I read about people telling off their printers.

Printers are wankers and you just reminded me.

Dont tell me you cant find the computer you little shit, it's right fucking next to you. You DO have paper, it's there. Its.right.there. Just find it.

Although, when it prints first time, I'm all thanks and praise. Because maybe next time its be nice to me

How will the object learn the error of its ways if you don't tell it?

I tell my fridge to fuck off regularly. It makes an annoying beeping if the door is open for more than 30 seconds. I get that the beeping is there to alert you in case you leave the door open by accident, but 30 seconds isn't long enough when you are trying to find something or getting all the ingredients for dinner, and I get fed up with it's incessant bastard beeping.

I talk to inanimate objects all day long. Mostly thanking them or explaining what I'm doing...🤣but things do get told to fuck off ir whatever.

Yes, sometimes inanimate objects get a ruddy good telling off but sometimes a thankyou or well done. I have also been known to apologise to them. I apologised to the mushrooms I didn't use in tonight's stir fry - they looked so forlorn in their brown paper bag that I felt I had to reassure them that their time would come tomorrow!

I've just realised there's a hierarchy in this house.

My washing machine sings a charming little song when the cycle is finished. I sing along to the song, and thank it.

My fridge does a slightly petulant little meep if you leave the door open too long. I reassure it that it's okay, and close the door.

Microwave beeps at me to remind me of my delicious, now-toasty food. I call it a cunt and tell it to shut up.

I now feel sorry for my microwave, and resolve to be better (the fucking cupboard doors can continue to get in the sea, though).

Of course it's not unreasonable to scold an object. How else will it know its done wrong?

I don't scold inanimate objects, I do worse. If, for example, a cup is wavering a bit when I've put it down, I hold my index finger up and look at it with raised eyebrows. It worked with DD, and now with two year old dog. It works with inanimate objects, sometimes 😁

The airing cupboard door swung shut on my elbow today and I cheerily told it to fuck right off whilst slamming it shut unnecessarily hard
. That'll teach it!

Door handles.

The little fuckers bang into my elbows, or catch on my belt loop/belt/sleeve/pocket- they're really needy.

They get asked "WHY??WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??" on a regular and frustrated basis.

Other things I blame on a God that I do not believe exists- stubbed toes, catching drinks with my coat/dressing gown as I swing them exuberantly round my shoulders... "Really God?? REALLLLLLYYYY???"

Yep, I told a pair of silk pyjamas to 'fuck off and die, you slippery bastards' today. They slithered out of the pile of ironing I was carrying upstairs, unfolded themselves, and then laid forlornly on the (grubby) floor. Bloody irritating.

@Tunnocks34

I bollock my Henry hoover every time I use the fucking thing.

This sounds like the start of a poem.

According to DH it’s very annoying when I persistently tell the kitchen utensils to fucking fuck off

Sounds like that’s his problem though not mine

@Afflt . Those who feel bad about ignoring inaminate objects > I apologise when I put something in the bin if I've not treated it the same as its fellows.

I called my shopping trolly a fucker yesterday out loud because it somehow trapped my thumb nail in it's bars as i went to walk away and it bloody hurt

I got a funny look from the woman next to me.

YANBU - I used to lose my temper and say some pretty horrible things to the self service checkouts in M&S when they kept saying "have you swiped your Sparks card?" over and over again. My rage was even worse when they had Ant & Dec doing the voiceover!